Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Trigg

[lostcowboy]

Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

Edit: This is a post that I have on www.pandys.org , that I made so the ladies there could easily find and read about me. I decide to make one on malesurvivor.org also.

Edit: I will be adding new links to this. So you may see it pop up from time to time.

Hi all this is a email I sent to Jennifer for her survey. I had the thought to post it here. By the time you read all the links in it you will know me. You may not like me but you will know me.
To start this off, I had asked Jennifer if I could send her some links, and she had replied she would be interested in reading them if I was comfortable sending them.

Hi Jennifer, no I am not to uncomfortable with it, its more the male instinct to protect the female, that I have to fight through. If I share with you my pain, you are going to experience the pain, and it will very likely trigger memories of any bad experiences you may have had growing up, and I don't want to put you through any of that. On malesurvivor.org we also have a section for friends and family, one of the universal complaints they have is how to get their man to open-up more to them about the (SA) Sexual Abuse. As I stated in the survey, every so often I tell someone that I had been raped. The last time was in 1992, I thought I had it all under control until November 2004, when I stumbled across a gay singer's web site that had a forum, reading the messages I could tell they were a happy bunch. All of a sudden I had a desire to put a message on the forum with the title RAPE, ITS GOING TO GET ROUGH IN HERE! and I was angry out of nowhere. I had the good sense to not post the message, and shut the computer down for the night. The next morning I knew that I was over due to talk about the rape again. Not wanting to talk to wife or family about it I went ahead and fired up the computer and put (Male Rape) in a search engine, the one non-porn site was malesurvivor.org. For some reason I have been able for the first time to go into detail about the rape and how I think it has effected my life.

This first set of links are about my mindset when I got on the MaleSurvivor web site.

My first post on the site

I think you will find these more interesting, starting to open up, being nervous about it.


Making sure the gay guys know that I need their help also.


My first attempt to talk to one of the Lady\'s on the site.


Comments about false logic. Could be triggering!


OK time to put your ARMOR on, this is the link to the RAPE! the title is Long Graphic Story, BIG BIG Triggers! and I mean every word of it! The subtitle is The boy who thought he knew the answer to racism!


Could be triggering! Asking for advice about my friend the sex offender.



Voices,


I meet the little boy, and he kicks my ass. Triggers!.


The first time I ever told anyone I was raped!

A strange way to masturbate.

Are you love-shy ?

I talk about having a affair with a gay man in 1994 and how confusing it was.

Edit: To talk about the original title of the next link. I started with "I am a pervert!" then as guys started to tell me that I was being to rough on myself, I changed it to, "I may be a pervert", Finally I changed it to, "I may be a pervert, from all the positive responses, I may have over reacted, sorry!" After a lot of thought I changed it back to (Changing this back to, I am a pervert! big triggers.)

I am not proud of this and now realize it was wrong at the time. Triggers!


I have only read one book about rape but I think it is really good.


PARANOIA and HOMOPHOBIC reactions


The chaotic years 1968 - 1972 Triggers


A interesting week! should be no triggers


He\'s so innocent, just like I was! May trigger.

The use of Porn as a indirect form of control, triggers for Graphic Descriptions!


Me and the wife parts one, two, and three.

Me and the wife part one


Me and the wife part two


Me and the wife part three


The Rope, No Triggers

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi guys, I just became aware that all these links are bad! It will take me a while to find and fix the connections again. In the meantime you can do a search on my name in each of the public forums. If you look at the last pages first, you should be able to find the threads with out to much problems.

Sorry about this,
Clifford

 

[roadrunner]

Clifford,

Have you ever considered writing down everything as one continuous story? I found that doing this helped me a lot. It enabled me to put things together in my own mind and it's also been an important tool in therapy for me. I can add sections on what I am learning in my sessions with my T, but there are also many ideas from you guys there as well.

Much love,
Larry

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Larry, that's a good idea. I have open-office so I may try it. I think I have all the links working again!

Take care,
Clifford

 

[roadrunner]

Clifford,

What helped me a lot was to keep the story of my life separate from the things I have learned. The way I did that was to write out my story as continuous prose in 12-point type Times New Roman. In places where I wanted to interrupt the story with discussion of things I have learned, I put in the heading "What have I learned?" in bold, and then switched to a smaller typeface.

This way, I could talk all about how I have felt at various times without conceding that those feelings were accurate - so often they were not! But this way I could still include them and honor how I felt, and at the same time talk about the new and healthier things I was learning.

In writing this way it also allows me to look back and see how my thinking has changed over time. It's cool to review things and see how much progress I have made and where I still need to do more work. It has really helped me to focus.

Good luck!

Much love,
Larry