Pressure from therapist... advice?

Pressure from therapist... advice?
S

survive75

Registrant
My therapist called me this week to ask when I would be scheduling with her. I haven't been in a while, and I know I need to go, but right now I haven't a)wanted to deal with the stuff coming up and b) been able to afford it.

She said that she would be really upset if I didn't have an appointment with her by the end of the month. This started me feeling guilty, pressured, resentful, etc.

Any advice on how to deal with this?
 
Call her back and tell her that you will come in when you are ready to and that you would be really upset and dissappointed if you had to find a new therapist.
 
Just say no!

Now that was a flippant answer. But if she is right that you need the sessions and she has been honestly helping you, find the money. If she is not helping, look for another therapist and adjust your budget. One way or the other, be fair. Let her go, or tell her why you arent seeing her.
 
I've never had a therapist do that and maybe she is just overly concerned or something. I don't know and it is hard for me to say.

I would however tell her what you said here that you need a break and a rest and when you are ready to go back, you will make an appointment. I find it questionable that she would pressure you that much though.

You know, most therapists that I have gone to have appointment books that are full. They really don't have the time to call people trying to get them to schedule an appointment. I'm not sure what my point is here, but I just found it odd.

Don
 
I think that maybe she is trying to do two things. 1) help you (I have had t's in the past who have "pushed" me even though I really didnt like it at the time) 2) maybe free up her case load. Not real sure. Maybe Ken will read this and reply, he might be able to give some insite to this.

James
 
Perhaps I am being unfair to her... there is concern in that since my suicide attempt back in the fall, she had me agree to certain terms regarding contact, etc. Of course, my ex-g/f was also part of that contact bargain, so perhaps my therapist is worried that without my ex, I might not check in in a crisis?

I guess I just felt really cornered, didn't know what to say at the time, etc. The sessions do help me, and I know there is a ton of stuff I need to face... just haven't wanted to.

Thanks for the thoughts guys.
 
you decission to go or not to go to therapy is entirely up to you.
it sounds like you are put off a little by her "that she would be really upset if I didn't have an appointment with her by the end of the month" statement. let her know that.
it also sounds like you want and need to go, but are avoiding it because you aren't looking forward to dealing with the stuff. so go. but let her know that her statement was way out of line.

do what you need to do to take care of yourself, this isn't fun, but necessary,
Bill
 
No matter how good the training a counsellor / therapist recieves they will always be open to feeling genuine concern for some clients, and be keen for them to attend sessions.

That's human nature, and it's not unreasonable for them to want the best for the client.
If it becomes a problem ( transference - countertransference ) then the counsellor should deal with it in their supervision.

But I know that the therapists I work with are always concerned when we get a missed appointment, and it's concern for the client, not for the fact we sit gossiping and drinking coffee for an hour.

But it's also something that you should mention so she can deal with this situation in a better way in the future.
A good therapist will welcome these kind of comments and work with you, and sharing your concerns will also show her that you are getting more confident in your therapeutic relationship.

If we say nothing then nothing changes.

Dave
 
S75-
Your therapist has no business telling you that SHE would be upset if you failed to schedule. Therapy is NEVER about the therapist's needs as they get paid to help meet the CLIENT'S needs. Statements like that are designed to be guilt-inducing and manipulative.

You may decide that the therapist was just expressing her concern with a poorly-worded statement.

Why not tell her that you are bothered by her comment? And why not give her the other reason (finances) you have not scheduled an appointment? Her response to this information may help you decide if you want more therapy from her.

I hope it works out for you.

J7
 
I assume you are not on probation and court ordered to be in treatment. That said, the therapeutic contract is up to you about scheduling or not.

I haven't been in a while, and I know I need to go, but right now I haven't a)wanted to deal with the stuff coming up and b) been able to afford it.
Click to expand...
Telling her that you are having trouble with the stuff coming up is being honest and provides a good starting point to talk about HOW to deal with things you know you need to deal with and how she can help you get there without too much wear and tear.

The money issue may be a genuine factor. If she would be upset if you didn't schedule, would she be less upset if you were to temporarily renegotiate the fee or set up a payment schedule so that you could run a tab?

I would never tell a client that I am upset with what they do or not do. I might be concerned about the consequences of his behavior but I wouldn't tell him I was upset. Did she use that term?

If you are happy with what she can do for you, go with the approach above if you feel comfortable to do this. If you feel too uncomfortable to talk about this with her, how can you really address the BIG issues around the abuse?

Ken
 
Thank you all for your responses. I'm surprised at the variety of them, but glad to have everyone's opinion on this. Gives me a sense of finding a middle somewhere.

I know that what she said was most likely out of concern, but I also know that I wouldn't have posted about it if it didn't seem somehow wrong to me. (Yes, she did say she would "be upset" if I didn't schedule by the end of the month.") I have a hard time talking to my therapist about issues I have with her, finances, etc. so I don't know if I will confront her on this or not. I hope I will be able to if I feel like it affects my therapy, trust, etc.

I know that I have to deal with this stuff and that my procrastination (besides the financial issue) is largely due to the overwhelming amount of shit that I know I have to wade through. There is day-to-day work related stuff, ex-girlfriend issues, acting out issues, and then the deeper work around the abuse, my family, my mother. Basically, as a friend once told me, "it's hard to drain the swamp when you are surrounded by alligators." There is a sense of not knowing where to begin, and hell... not wanting to. But I know that you are all right... I have to face it sometime, but I want to be ready to deal with it fully when I do.

Thanks again for your thoughts on this. Really helped me out.
 
As I was reading your last response, I couldn't help but think - while it might be hard to drain the swamp with aligators around you, if you bait the alligators, one by one they will leave the swamp, than you can run in and pull the plug...

In other words, just take things one step at a time as two steps at a time gets very tough (you run out of feet). I know that is easier said than done, and maybe just some R & R time out under the sun or where ever may help you to formulate a plan of attack.

One thing I used to do with a therapist when I couldn't talk to them about something was to write about it. Often I would write and it would really begin to put things in perspective. But then I would take it in to her and often tell her that I couldn't say this out loud, but I wrote it down. I do remember one time that she actually read it outloud and then one time she had me read it outloud. But sometimes just writing it can be far easier than anything else.

Don
 
I have found that being completely honest is always the way to go.

I would call her and say exactly what you said in the first post.

"It makes me feel [Pressured, uncomfortable, etc...] when you say..."

Tell her when she speaks to you this way it makes you want to run in the other direction.

Remember, you pay her, she works for you, and it may be that she is not the person for you. I think as long as you do understand that you need to face the problems and aren't in denial, things will work themselves out.

good luck
 
SHE would be disappointed? Ok, maybe she just want you to be geting the help you need, and wants to ensure that you do that for yourself. But still, that is WRONG way to say it. We have enough pressure on us. We have had to do things because other people tell us to, or make us. This is OURS. The hell with her. YOU are in control of your therapy, your healing, all of it. If you can not get her seeing that, then maybe is time for therapist who puts you first and not pressure you to go at pace other then your own.

leosha
 
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