pregnancy fears

pregnancy fears
M

Maxine

Registrant
i love a survivor. i am looking for some suggestions as to things that i can try with the man that i love to help him with his fear of pregnancy. we have been dating for several years, and practice several effective forms of birth control. He gets very anxious that i will become pregnant and some months it is very hard. i try to reassure him by telling him we are good and that i have taken the contreceptive but sometimes it isnt enough to ease his anxiety. i was wondering if anyone has any suggestions to try? thanks
 
Maxine,

As I recall, the pill is extremely reliable and ought to be effective in most cases. That said, however, I think there are a few vital questions that need to be addressed here, and neither is about addressing your boyfriend's anxiety as such.

No means of birth control is 100% effective all the time, and any time two people have sex they need to be prepared for the possibility that a pregnancy will result. He seems to be telling you that he woudl regard this outcome as disastrous and unbearable.

What does that say to you, as the woman who would be carrying his child? Would you be okay with termination of the pregnancy? What if you told him and his reply is "I told you I was afraid of this", and then he walks out on you?

The other side of the question is why he dreads that you might become pregnant in the first place. As he's a survivor, he may think that he would abuse as he was himself abused, or he might fear he could never protect his child. Whatever's bothering him, he should seek the advice of a therapist on these matters.

This would ease his anxiety, but even more importantly, it would get him to think seriously about his role in a situation where he could find himself an expectant father. It seems to me that at the end of the day the crucial issue here is the welfare of a possible child.

Much love,
Larry
 
I agree with Larry's first point. Every fertile person who is sexually active needs to understand that there is always a risk involved. Have you talked about what happens if you do get pregnant?

Are there other factors here causing him to worry? Are you responsible about taking your pill at the same time every day and using backup if you get sick or forget? Survivors have trust issues to begin with so the idea that he is counting on you to be in charge of the contraception is probably pretty scary to him.
 
Maxine,

I would say it's a very very good idea to try and talk about this. I never did with my bf, and when i fell accidentally pregnant, his face dropped like nothing I'd ever seen. I will never forget that. It completely ruined a moment when I felt overjoyed and full of happiness. He said he didn't know if he was ready for this, then silence for ages, then he thought he was gay....and so on :( Anyway, it didn't end with the termination of the baby or him leaving, so it's not so much a sad ending, but I will never ever forget the way I felt then.

good luck in approaching the issue,

peace
Beccy
 
well..thank you for the advice. we have talked about it before. talking is a strength we can talk about anything. we both understand the possibility exists and use condoms and pills. i know the possibility still exists. he trusts me with the issue, as much as he can. sometimes he has a hard time remembering the events afterward and then the worrying gets worse. i am very careful of rembering to take the pill. i know trust is an issue but he does give it over to me to take care of the birth control. i try to help him not worry as much.
we have talked about the possibility of what could happen. we both agreed that we would potentialy want a family but not at this time in our lives. we would not terminate a pregnancy if it were to occur. I dont think he would leave me, in fact he has said he would do the right thing and raise the child if it ever came down to it. but as in any case an unplanned pregnancy is very stressful. dealing with abuse makes it even harder. i know it would be very hard on both of us. he says he is so scared to get me pregnant because it would be his fault. i believe this is from the abuse.
i have talked to him about about possibly not having intercouse until he is at a better time, it is hard for me to see him so anxious, i dont want to contribute to his pain. he said that he didnt think it would help because he wants to be intimate with me and enjoys it but he starts to worry after.
i want to do what is best for us and for him. i wish that there was something i could do to help with the pain and the demons he deals with every day.
what else can i do?
 
Maxine,


I also would like to point out something else.
Your BF is the one with the worry and concern. he is the one with the irrational fears. he is the one who feels badly.

Why are you responsible to deal with it?

Placing the responsibility for our emotions and fears where they belong, on us, and those of others where they belong, on them, is not uncaring or heartless.

It is perfectly possible for you to be empathetic to BF's feelings and issues and cooperatively work to deal with them in the context of youyr relationship- based on mutality.

The thing is though, that this has become YOUR sole responsibility hasn't it? YOU are posting this on MS and he is still initiating sex.

If he can not handle the emotional aftermath of sex at this time, he needs to take responsibility for that and not have intercourse until these issues are resolved. There are other ways to be intimate wich might not trigger this particular fear while he works it out in therapy.

I am not saying o not support him, but don't enable him either. Say "if the fears are unmanageable right now, we are going to stop for one month until you have had some therapy converstaions about it- we will revisit the issue in one month. It is not worth you feeling anxious and upset for weeks at a time.If this is behavior that is harmful to you and to us, I will not enable it. No more intercourse until we discuss it again in a month, ok?" For example.

Remember to allow him to be responsible for his feelings, emotions and behaviors. "If it makes you feel this upset, why would you have intercourse with me?"

Fill in crazy answer

"why would you think that?"

Fill in crazy answer

"Yes. But that is not me and that is not our relationship. Why would you continue to behave in a way that makes you unhappy, and adds tension to our relationship?"

Insert rage gere

and so on- the important thing is not just for him. It is really for you because you are already letting him cross boundaries and put you in potential jeopardy. Please beleive a survivor when he says things like this. You are sleeping with a man who, for now, will walk out on you or abuse you and the child. You are allowing yourself to be put in danger. I know you don't see it that way probably right now.

Please keep this boundary about intercourse for yourself. You can always re-visit the issue- but please think about keeping intercourse off limits for a while, until thinkgs are sorted out better. Please re examine your boundaries and your sense of self worth and enemshment issues.

You desreve a man who is responsible enough to say "I am having sex with a woman and I know that means we could get pregnant. I am responsible for the pregnancy. i will marry her and we will raise the child. i will do what it takes to protect, cherish and love her as the mother of my children and as a human being."

That is not who you have right now. You have a man who says- "I want to have sex and it is your responsibility to not get pregnant and reassure me and my fears for several weeks and then the cycle will start again. But I am going to continue to have sex with you, even though I don't want a child and I don't want to be married. Now, do something about it for me, but still have sex with me, while I tell you how bad it makes me feel." This is not respecting you. he may not be maliciously planning to direspect you, but this is disrespecting you. Would you advise your friend or sister to have sexual relations with a person who treated her this way?

Kind of like a 2 year old. "I want what I want, when I want it"..and no appreciation of consequences.

Bunny
 
i am not soley responsible for the situation. our relationship is not onesided, it is mutual. i am trying to understand how to deal. that is why i am here, that i why I am seeking advice. I am seeking advice for me and for us from people who have insight to something that is new to me. we do not always have intercourse. it is not i want i want. when we decide to have sex it is because we can both commit to it. we do talk about sex and when things are good and when they are not. i dont push for sex when it is not a good time and neither does he. we steer clear when mentaly it is not a good time. it is not just when he wants it. we participate in other forms more often, it helps. i know i am with a good man, because i have an open enough relationship where i can talk to him, trust him and work as a team. when i said we arent family planning right now, i ment that we are planning/hoping to get married in the next two years, we are young. at young twenty we are not at a point were either of us is saying ooo lets have babies. AlTHOUGh, both of us understand the distinct possibility for this to happen anyways and we are both adult, responsible people who would adapt to the situation and do the right thing. we know this we have talked about the possibility.
i appriciate advice and alterior views. it is difficult to get advice ( i know now) without explaining everything. how can i expect to get an answer from someone i ve never met who knows only a paragraph about me.
just looking for insight
thanks
 
Maxine,

Your b/f is scared of pregnancy for a million and one reasons not the least of which are because you're both young and his csa issues. I'm glad to hear that both of you can talk about this and take steps together to avoid a pregnancy and calm the fears that arise because of sexual intimacy. That's a very mature and wise thing to do so you should both be proud of yourselves for that.

As for how he can get past his fears, well, I think that will only come with getting older and maybe seeing a therapist. I know if I told my b/f I was pregnant he'd panic. So would I at this point in my life. :D

But really, we did talk about it in the beginning of our relationship. I already had a child from my first marriage but he never had children. I was very content with the fact that I'd reproduced myself and I was all done, but what did he think? Well the answer I got surprised me. He told me I didn't need to worry about him ever wanting children because he knew he'd be a terrible father and the last thing he wanted to do was put a kid through that. This sounded completely crazy to me; not that he didn't want kids, I was more than fine with that, but his reasoning was all messed up.

I didn't know about the csa then. When I found out about it, I also found out that my b/f believed the myths out there that if you were abused, you were bound to abuse yourself. He was terrified of that happening and vowed that he'd never have children. His therapist and I are working very hard on different fronts to convince him that this myth isn't true, but it's still a very real fear for him.

Your b/f may have the same fear for himself and future children but not be willing to admit it. It's a horrible thing. I know my b/f would never harm a child, the exact opposite actually, he would protect them with his life, but he's frightened anyway. If this fear is playing at the back of your b/f's mind, I can only imagine the amount of anxiety he feels at even the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy.

There is no quick, easy, absolute fit answer to any of this stuff. Is your b/f in therapy? would he consider it? If not alone, the the two of you together where this could be addressed?

The only advice I can offer in the here and now is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep talking and being responsible.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Maxine,

I know some men and women too are a little freaked out at the thought of "too much information" when it comes to a woman's cycle, but I do know that my boyfriend and I both felt more relaxed and able to put aside worrying about unplanned pregnancy when we knew where I was in my cycle and therefore what kind of a risk we were actually taking at that time.

It is "science" and something that a lot of guys are willing to get to know more about within the context of a mutual relationship (even if it's something that would totally gross them out otherwise), and it might make him feel like he's got more of a role in the whole process (and in your future family planning).

PM me if you want some resources as I don't want to gross out anyone here :D

SAR
 
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