PREEMPTIVE AGGRESSION

[Morning Star]

I finally found someone who have said something on this...

Q: I often feel I need to take on an aggressive stance with some people or organizations to protect myself from those who will hurt or take advantage of me. How can I be open and compassionate and, at the same time, not be used?

Pema Chdrn: That's a good question, isn't it? So, I purposefully didn't think about the answer ahead of time. In view of tonight's talk on Point Three, I think it's a question of: How do we gain clarity? How do we gain a sense of inner strength? Well, the teachings are saying, I am propagating these teachings, that inner strength does not come from protecting ourselves, or polarizing into strong sense of self being abused by other. So, in these situations, how to be open and compassionate without being used?

Well, clear boundaries are really important. We all need to work with that. But, my experience of working with boundaries which is like knowing your limits and stating them clearly. Not saying: forever and ever and ever these are going to be my limits like, this is me. But, just saying: today, and this month, and currently, in this particular work relationship, or family dynamic, or whatever, these are my boundaries.

This is very helpful, because then another person they may not like these boundaries but there's a clarity in it. But, my experience is that it's difficult to set clear boundaries if we don't have some self-compassion. We're just in this murky place of fear and reactiveness which is called ego. Reacting, always reacting, because there's so much fear, and so much fear of being used or hurt.

So, where does courage come from? Or, let's just say, how do we nurture this ability of courage that we have, this ability of strength that we have, this ability of confidence in our own core of openness and flexibility and strength? That we can take responsibility for our side of it. This is a big part of it. Taking responsibility for our side of it.

I am proposing here that we work with not driving all blames into the other. Because, why? Not because there isn't injustice out there. Not because other people never use us, or anybody. But, why? Any ideas?

Student: Because it closes our hearts?

Pema: Yeah, that's the right direction. Because it closes our hearts. It's like one of the main ways that we use to get away from fully acknowledging what's going on with us the other way is repression. We either act out, strike out... This is supposed to bring us relief. But it doesn't... maybe temporarily. But, ultimately, it has a hangoverthis striking out. As does repression or self-blamenot in the sense of driving all blames into one, which has a lot of honesty and courage in it, but of just like denigrating.

In other words, blindly striking out at the other, or blindly turning it against ourselves. So, they're like exits from really feeling our hearts, and feeling what's going on with us. A lot has been triggered in this situation where we feel we're being used. A lot is being triggered. And we don't really know whats going on. We just feel this confusion and this defensiveness.

It's like seizing that moment, and saying: If your goal we're told to give up all hope of fruition but, perhaps your goal is that you want to get even with this guy (sometimes bad motivation can bring you to a good place) but you say, OK, I'm just going to try... if the method for getting even is to acknowledge my side of it, so I become more skillful at getting even... (I don't care, whatever works! Whatever makes it real for you, so that you can hang in there)... and breathe in, and really feel what it feels like to be used, and breathe out.

Now, on the spot in a situation, I've seen this happen again and again, and I've experienced it, where aggression is coming at you or at me, at a person. And, everything in you wants to be defensive, because youre terrified. And, instead, you just start breathing in, fully contacting what you're feeling, and sending out. And something begins to connect you with the other person.

It isn't that you're verbally thinking, "They're OK." It might be that you start noticing their mouth, or their eyes, or somehow they become more real to you. And what they experience is that you're really listening. But, what you're doing is just standing there, breathing in and out, fully owning what's happening with you, and opening up the space.

And then, what comes out of your mouth is usually not the habitual thing. Often it helps to dissolve the tension, or the bitterness, or the aggression, because it's honest. But, in any case, whether this story has a happy ending or not, it's a transformative process for you, rather than a process of getting better and better at protecting yourself, of closing down, of seeing others as enemies and opponents.

Really the question you have to ask yourself is: Do you want to spend your life making your habits and patterns stronger? Or do you want some kind of transformation to happen? so that your strength and your confidence and your capacity to love and to care for people can begin to surface you're not always blocking it.

Guys what do you say about this?

Premptive Agression

 

[roadrunner]

Morning Star,

This looks like an interesting possibility. But did I miss something, or did this guy not address the second very important part of the question: how to make sure you aren't used?

Larry

 

[Morning Star]

Larry, I think she starts her answer by addressing to your question.

Stating that our boundaries in one way and believing in them is the second in them is the more important part.

For me believing means, that they will be respect no matter what. And standing by it no matter what. Problem happens when due to past experiences we stop believing in that sancitity, sanctity of our self and our boundaries, i think that is the purpose of getting our spiritual connection, because that immediately gives us teh confidence that we will be respected because we are worthy of it, just by our presence.

That is to say that if we continue to 'co-create' situations of fear, we would continue to experience situations where need to get defensive and agressive will only increase, and sooner or later we will breakdown, as we are only adding more fear into our system each time we act out of fear of being hurt.

The only way to break this pattern to start believing that we are safe. And PROTECTED.

I think that it is our own fear of our boundaries not being accepted that makes us defensive or withdraw. And we hold our boundaries sacrosanct, they will not be betrayed, that trust has to come back, and only by reaffirming our faith in our boundaries can we get out of this quagmire.

Th responsibility lies with us, to create a new possiblity, if we continue to believe that we are unsafe and our boundaries will be violated, we continue to 'attract' such reality, possibilities.

That is where she mentions that courage is required, when start hold ing ourselves sacrosanct, once again.

But what I liked was her second part andmore important part, that if continue to be defensive, or aggressive we would remained closed, and miss out on the love life has to offer, we have to change that reality ourselves, by yes being brave and by knowing what we are.

Imagine the reality I would create if I believe that everyone that comes to me, comes so from God, out of Love.

Wow what a possibility!

 

[roadrunner]

That would be great, but I wonder how do we get to this position of trust and serenity. It seems to me that the argument goes in circles somehow.

Unless what is at issue here is the sheer power of a choice in favor of love and will, and a confidence that if we choose in that way whatever harm we suffer will still be worth it for all the other possibilities that are opened to us.

I just realized that this was the (foggy) reasoning behind my "much love" greeting. I so often don't know what the hell I am doing - just it feels right.

Much love (chosen!),
Larry

 

[kalimi]

there is much wisdom in the Buddist teachings. i personally have followed both spiritual and psychological teachings my whole life. but early on i realized i was trying to act spiritually like someone i wasn't yet. i wasn't being true to my psycholgical self. congruance. now i am not doing neither. my ex wife followed both and now is a counslor and a buddist nun. soooo... i think we each need to do what is working for us at the moment. you have to protect yourself psychologically and it is good to open up spiritually. each in the appropriate time, place and amount. and only you can figure that out. blessings, kalimi

 

[Morning Star]

Larry, I agree with you it sounds argumentative, and it will, unless put into practise, but I can see you doing that already with your 'much love'.

That is becoming aware that love and trust is always a choice at every ocassion, and that it is our intent which counts and not we are actual doing. It is like even if you don't write it, I will feel it, it you mean it!

love (and it does feel good to write this!)

 

[Morning Star]

As for protection, I believe the best way is to surrender to a Higher power, allow it to protect you. And TRUST THAT IT WILL. LET THAT BE YOUR POWER, and not fear.

 

[roadrunner]

I feel like I am in on a conversation that has such important possibilities for me - I can feel myself reacting to the discussion, but at the moment it's a slippery sphere for me. I feel like I can hold it or drop it, but nothing else. I understand what is being said, then I don't. I accept it, then I fear it.

Much confusion,
Larry