Predators

Predators
S

Sean Simms

Registrant
I have just rejoined Malesurvivor after a long absense which I will talk about in another email but first I have to make a confession.

I was looking at the guidelines for posting and realized when I read the warnings about predators that I was actually fantasizing about having someone prey on me.

I am really unhappy about that discovery becasue I have been a victim of several predators and know now that I am attracted to those types of people.

I feel rather guilty about saying this but it's true. I am now trying to take steps to avoid them in the future such as some guidelines to make me feel safe. Maybe I should avoid having friendships with any survivors who I find attractive? Any suggestions?
 
You should avoid people who show you "love" in the same ways that perps do. You are drawn to them because of your feelings being mixed together by your perps. A short way of putting it is that you were brainwashed to believe that what they did was love. It was not. It was nothing more than what it was. If it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck.
 
Sean,

I like to call it the white trash wife syndrome. We've all seen it play out the tv show COPS. A woman is in an abuse relationship, calls the cops, but when they show she doesn't want them to take her man away. Why? "Because he loves me."

I think, all though I could be wrong, that survivors of sa, just like the white trash wife, share something in common. That is a negative self-image. This view of the self makes one believe that we can do no better. We got what we deserved. Violence, sex, and love are one and all must co-exist for us to feel whole. We are not making ourselves whole, we are letting someone or something else do that.

Maybe you too, believe you are damaged goods. That no one will love you for who you are, but only parts of you. Because of your negative self-image you might believe that the only people who would love you in spite of the negative parts that took place are your predators. Thus, you seek out or fantasize about being taken advantage of.

I think that people in general either have a negative or positive self-image. In life, whatever image that we have we will look for ways to reinforce it. If you have a positive self-image you'll do positive things. If you have a negative then you'll do negative.

I'm a heterosexual male, but at my lowest times. When I'm feeling really down about myself, I think about being used again. I get to the point where I start to think that's all I'm good for. Just to be used and abused by people. Thrown away like trash. That's where I stop and realize that I wouldn't be having these thoughts if the sa wouldn't have taken place. Screw my perp and screw living a life that wallows in misery.

Hope this gives a different insight.
Take it easy,
Fusion
 
Sean,
you shouldn't avoid friendships because it is not good to put yourself in isolation. But be aware of your dark fantasies.

And yeah, it is happening to me constantly. I am aware that this is not healthy and this is happening because my brain is twisted. One part of me is always on highest alert. I never let anyone to be close to me because of it. This is also very unhealthy but in few occasions helped me to avoid really dangerous situations. The other part of me wants to be treated on the worst possibly way. I am not sure why is this happening. I feel that I am emotionally death man and maybe I want to be treated on bad way because it can not make me much more hurt (I am already death inside) and if I feel pain or anything else maybe I could feel live again.

And sadly but I am caught by real big panic when someone wants to be emotionally close to me, I just can not stand that.
 
If it is matter of someone you are attracted to, keep from getting photo of someone you meet? Perhaps the physical part of it, not knowing that, can help you at all? Also, I am not sure how much you or anyone can do this. But there are certain things separate. Like, to me, private life does not belong at work. Sometime, yes, my work will go into private life. But there is the boundary there to me. Maybe you can do similar boundary with here. This site is for healing, not for 'meeting'. It is for friendships, not relationships. And keep to that in your mind? I do not know how well it can work, but it is what I just think of. I wish you luck, and hope that you continue to be here as you need to.

Leosha
 
Originally posted by Leosha:
This site is for healing, not for 'meeting'. It is for friendships, not relationships. And keep to that in your mind?

Leosha
Click to expand...
Thanks Leosha,

I hate to admit it but a part of me just wants relationships from this site (and bad ones at that). I feel so desperate sometimes and
have so much hope I'll meet someone who is another survivor (male of female) that I'll fall in love with. (I'm bisexual)

Before you replied I was even thinking of setting up a boundry of no relationships with other people I meet through Male Survivor so I wouldn't have that problem. I even sought out a guy at the Male Survivor retreat last year who had been a predator as a teenager. Talk about bad relationships, it really screwed up the retreat for me.

I don't know why I keep going in that direction but I find predators (or other victims) irresitable sometimes.

thanks for listening,
Sean
 
Sean
perhaps your problem isn't so much being attracted to 'predatory people' but having or showing a vulnerability that attracts them like a moth to a flame ?

Predators can 'smell' the vulnerable amongst us a mile away, it's what they do best.
And once we've fallen into their clutches a few times we believe their lies.
Maybe the truth is that you don't seek them out, you don't go to them when they make themselves known to you; but they sense that you have some vulnerability and go to work ?

Dave
 
Sean,

What I found for myself was that once I met some fellow survivors, heard their stories, knew their darkest fears, it helped me stop most of my 'acting out' behaviours. I came to realize that the anonymous person I was acting out with could be a survivor too, hurting and fragile as I am. I couldn't stand the idea of contributing to another survivors pain and suffering.

That's just my perspective, Sean. I know that you're a good person and you will get through this too in time.

Take care,

Steve
 
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