Pre-emptive strikes in relationships

Pre-emptive strikes in relationships
E

EGL

Registrant
Something I've been thinking on is how I launched pre-emptive strikes in my relationships with women. Whenever I'd start dating someone, if they started trying to get closer to me then I'd dump them because I "knew" they would eventually dump me, so it was easier to dump them first so I wouldn't be abandoned again.

A warped way of thinking, I know. This was after all the abuse of my childhood, and after I had divorced my first wife because of her numerous affairs (one of which with my brother, the perp). I guess it was major "fear of abandonment" issues, but just felt safer to go ahead and end it on my terms. I know I hurt some of those women badly in doing so, and that's another load of guilt I get to carry around.

My current wife and I have been married 16 years now. We dated for 1 month before I asked her to marry me, and were married within a couple of months after that. Why the big change, from someone who had been running from those who only wanted to love me? I don't know. I was hoping you all would have the answer. I love my wife dearly, but am amazed that I let her in.
 
My husband was married prior to me. She sounds similar to your first wife. She is a train-wreck on legs. She is a bulemic alcoholic who sleeps with man after man after man. Although I dont like her, I feel very, very sorry for her.
She was the perfect wife for my husband who didnt deal with his dysfunctional behavior regarding intimacy and sexual issues at the time. They both did what they wanted, and even though it destroyed them and any hope they had in the bond of marriage...they didnt have to answer to one another. As he grew, and got into his thirties he saw their lives were going no where and that he never really loved her...
They were separated every year for the 9 years they were married for months at a time.
The were separated when we met. I was in the middle of a divorce, with 3 children, a house and a career. Things that were never important to her, but were to him.
We fell fast and furious.....and I was the one and only he has ever admitted the SA to.
We both appreciate at each other having lived with a mistake we both made getting married to the wrong person in our early 20's.
Also, I think chemistry has a whole lot to do with it.
We click. We have the same values and goals.
We are a team.
I confided things in him, and he in me.
We are just THE ONE for each other it seems.
And, as much as we are going thru to deal with this. We both have the desire to fix it, and be closer. That makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world.
Just my opinion.
 
EGL, I won't be any help for your question because I think i'd be one of many women who would want to ask you what made that change occur (since it's often the very change we're waiting for and so we're perpetually wondering whether it's just us as individuals - that is, we think, well it must just be that he doesn't love me....) . I'm curious, had you sort of started your recovery between those former girlfriends and meeting your new wife? Were you feeling any different about yourself or was she someone that just felt "safer" for you or some combo of the two- that is, was it the right person at the right time-- You were ready and she was a trustworthy person?
You're asking the question many who come to F & F are very interestsed in the answer to......we're extremely familiar with the Preemptive strike!! Thanks for sharing here, An
 
Originally posted by beautifuldisaster:
My husband was married prior to me. She sounds similar to your first wife. She is a train-wreck on legs. She is a bulemic alcoholic who sleeps with man after man after man. Although I dont like her, I feel very, very sorry for her.
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Wow, was her name "Cheryl" by chance? just kidding. :) Sounds a lot like my first wife. I was her high school sweetheart (I was 18, she 16 when we got married), and last I knew she was on her 5th marriage. Her mother had been married 7 times that I know of, so there's obviously some major issues there. And I do feel very sorry for my ex as well. There's a load of guilt I carry that somehow I started her on that road - even though she was the one having the affairs, I was always faithful. I guess part of my thinking there goes back to the abusive childhood, thinking that things are my fault.

Originally posted by An:
I'm curious, had you sort of started your recovery between those former girlfriends and meeting your new wife? Were you feeling any different about yourself or was she someone that just felt "safer" for you or some combo of the two- that is, was it the right person at the right time-- You were ready and she was a trustworthy person?
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An - I think I had started to sort things out in the couple of years before I met my current wife. I married her when I was 27, and I hadn't dated for a couple of years before that. Maybe it was desparation at a biological clock ticking. But I do remember in one of our early conversations telling her that I had been married before and divorced, and thinking "O.k., we'll see her take flight now." That whole "damaged goods" concept. But she didn't.

But then again, obviously I haven't felt totally safe with her these 16 years we've been married, since I just last year finally told her about the depths of the abuse from my parents, as well as the sexual abuse. I could tell that when I told her, things were starting to fall into place in her mind and make sense. I think that over the years she just thought they were oddities, but now she was doing the math, so to speak, and understanding why I was like I was at times.

In thinking back to those earlier girlfriends, I think I could have married several of them as well, had I been in the right frame of mind. One of them I know I hurt very badly, because I actually dumped her twice. Another one had told her friends that I was the man she was going to marry (my current wife was actually one of those friends). I wasn't aware she had said that until years later when my current wife told me, but it illustrates how I let things roll along, gathering steam, afraid to make waves by breaking things off.

I'm sure a lot of it goes back to my first wife, since she really was a meek, kind person when we were in high school. She was like Mother Theresa at 16. Knowing that someone could begin like that, and end up like she did, I'm sure made me think that ending it was good for both of us - it saved her from going down the same path my first wife did, and it saved me from having to be abandoned again.
 
EGL
Why the big change, from someone who had been running from those who only wanted to love me? I don't know. I was hoping you all would have the answer. I love my wife dearly, but am amazed that I let her in.
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My boyfriend and I were good friends and then sweethearts in high school, and have been together since. There have been times that we haven't always been the best partners to each other, but we've been friends every day. And it still took him close to seven years-- of the relationship, not the friendship-- to tell me he'd been abused.

Every time I've asked him about the timing of his disclosure, healing, etc-- he's given me basically the same answer, "One day I realized that I felt like shit, that I was always doing things that made me feel like shit. All of the sudden I didn't want to feel like shit anymore, and I wanted to stop doing those things."

It was a combination of factors in his life that caused this to happen-- but none of them really had anything to do with me. He was put into a nearly hopeless situation at work, turned it around and got a lot of recognition for it-- disproving his own theory that he was good for nothing. He made some new friends all on his own-- another thing he didn't think he could do, and a few of those friends gave him a different perspective on some other things.

I don't think he felt any "safer" with me at that point than he had before, I just think he felt safer with himself, he could trust his own desire to disclose and he couldn't before. I also have to say that even before he disclosed, he did a lot of work seeking out and changing the behaviors that had been making him feel bad. He stopped driving recklessly, started taking better care of himself, managed his money better. Not only did that give his confidence more of a boost but it made a big difference to me after I found out he'd been acting out online-- he didn't just say he would change, he said "I've been making changes" and I could see that he had.

There's only so much guilt you can carry around-- it may sound rough, but totally healthy, together people aren't generally drawn to relationships with folks who have a lot of work to do on themselves (and probably the reverse is also true). The women who were trying to be with you at your most dysfunctional had their own reasons for wanting to be with you at that time-- if it felt safer for you to end that relationship than one day heal in it, maybe that's because it was a relationship built on shaky or unhealthy premises-- and that doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

I say that as someone who probably got started with my boyfriend for many of the "wrong" reasons-- in a lot of ways our relationship is nothing like it was seven or eight years ago, and even less like it was only three or four years ago. I think we've got it right now, but is that due to perseverance or love or just luck that our paths haven't diverged? Does it matter?

SAR
 
Originally posted by SAR:
The women who were trying to be with you at your most dysfunctional had their own reasons for wanting to be with you at that time-- if it felt safer for you to end that relationship than one day heal in it, maybe that's because it was a relationship built on shaky or unhealthy premises-- and that doesn't have to be anyone's fault.
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Agreed. At the beginning of each relationship, I'm sure that on my part it was probably a lot of trying to prove to myself that I could still function in a relationship, and trying to make myself believe that I wasn't irreparably damaged from my past. Proving things to myself is probably not the best reason to have begun any of those relationships. And ending them because of doomsday fears, again, not the best way to deal with the past. It was easier to run away than face those fears.
 
thanks so much for your feedback Egl- I think there are factors even outside of the SA wherein men get to a stage of wanting to be be coupled socially for demographic reasons almost. I think it's significant where you said you hadn't dated for a few years and had sorted things out to a new starting point in a sense- and you were 27- a classic age for starting to feel the social pressures -and what you said about your first wife at 16- you sort of answered your own question to me that way - and you point out a big "detail"- you didn't feel safe enough to tell about the abuse for 16 years.Life's complex!
My BF told me actually at our second meeting but it was clear to me when we were emailing before we even met, that he wanted to tell - it just struck me that like you, there was a state of readiness that preceded me - and in your case , preceded your wife, - you had different variations- but it's making sense to me even if I can't explain it. in a sense too, if you had told at the beginning, the relationship may not have lasted and you probably knew that. but there's a combo of time (psychological time) and place- the place where the "other" synchronizes into the readiness time- I always think it's near bizarre that me and my bf came together through an internet dating site! and the combo of his background and mine and how it always seems to me that no matter what comes of it in the future, I feel certain we were meant to play these powerful parts in each others lives. I do believe in the mysteries of synchronicity- even look at how each of the men and women here find their way here.....
I love to understand things- I see understandings as a journey too, not a destination- thanks for your openness and honesty and literally for "being" here! An
 
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