Power, control, and not having either
ForeverFighting
Registrant
Somewhere along the line, my mind got being SA mixed up with power. Therapy has taught me that my mind as a child could not survive without believing that I was somehow protected and in control. So this perp standing over me, having complete control over me, could not be real. It must have been some other way. So it must have been me, my fault. It was the way I looked. I didn't look good enough, so he didn't love me. If I looked good, if I drew him in by my irresistable allure (insert gag here), then I would be in control, and he would love me. Even after 12 years of therapy, I still don't understand how that "logic" forms, but it did. I guess I was emulating my uncle. He was a sex object, and he was in control, so in order for me to be in control and have the power, I must be worse than him. (repeat gag)
What I find is that now, when I feel completely out of control, completely powerless, that's when I turn to being an object meant for sex again. It's not the same sex as with love and closeness. That's unconditional love that I only find one place. But when the stress comes and I can't seem to please anyone, that's when I turn to the other stuff, the porn, the strutting around, thinking people are watching to me. I don't feel safe then, and it's like, if I could just look like THAT, then I'd be in control. I don't even like coming to this site then, because I'm afraid of myself and everyone else. And then the other old thoughts come. "Just get the sex over with, and then I can go back to being me."
I'm trying to come here and write about it every time it happens instead of going down those old roads. I'm trying to give myself a break, but sometimes this life doesn't seem to give any breaks. My job gets so incredibly stressful, and I say the wrong things and people get upset at me, even my pet tries to bite me, and then I can't sleep because I'm replaying everything in my head over and over and over, trying to make sense out of nothing. The stress tires me, the not sleeping tires me, my emotional strength is tied in with my physical strength, and then the old thoughts come.
I want to break the cycle, and it seems the only way to do that is to stick my neck out here in front of a bunch of strangers and talk about how vulnerable I am sometimes. I don't understand that logic either, but this logic in the here and now works a whole lot better than the old thinking imagined by a child in an impossible situation.
What I find is that now, when I feel completely out of control, completely powerless, that's when I turn to being an object meant for sex again. It's not the same sex as with love and closeness. That's unconditional love that I only find one place. But when the stress comes and I can't seem to please anyone, that's when I turn to the other stuff, the porn, the strutting around, thinking people are watching to me. I don't feel safe then, and it's like, if I could just look like THAT, then I'd be in control. I don't even like coming to this site then, because I'm afraid of myself and everyone else. And then the other old thoughts come. "Just get the sex over with, and then I can go back to being me."
I'm trying to come here and write about it every time it happens instead of going down those old roads. I'm trying to give myself a break, but sometimes this life doesn't seem to give any breaks. My job gets so incredibly stressful, and I say the wrong things and people get upset at me, even my pet tries to bite me, and then I can't sleep because I'm replaying everything in my head over and over and over, trying to make sense out of nothing. The stress tires me, the not sleeping tires me, my emotional strength is tied in with my physical strength, and then the old thoughts come.
I want to break the cycle, and it seems the only way to do that is to stick my neck out here in front of a bunch of strangers and talk about how vulnerable I am sometimes. I don't understand that logic either, but this logic in the here and now works a whole lot better than the old thinking imagined by a child in an impossible situation.