Possible triggers, abuser may still be abusing
I am going to see my brother at the end of the month.
I had not seen him for 13 years, then I got a message from him saying he would like to see me. I was very happy, the split came about when I told my family that dad was an abuser. I am one of ten kids and none of them accepted this. My memories were mostly not continuous. So I had lots of debate about the actual truth etc.
I had told the police and social services about the father as I was worried about a two-year-old nephew. The social services said that an anal fissure could have been caused by abuse but that there was no proof and they had to close the case. My family were in a rage with me so wouldnt see me.
My brother is married with 2 children. A girl 7 and a boy 3. I felt before seeing them that they were safe as they are in the UK and the prep lives in Ireland. The girl while playing with playdo made a figure of a woman in a bed, she then changed it to a man by putting a big dirty willy on it. She started stabbing the willy with a pencil getting really angry, she stopped when the boy started crying about what she was doing.
My brother said in front of his wife and children that the boy had asked him to allow him to put his willy (the boys) in his dads mouth. The boy started crying and hid in his mums shoulder. The mum said something to the affect oh you shouldnt have told that its a secret. The boy looked so distressed and ashamed. I had hardly slept and sadly let the whole thing fly right over my head. The whole visit had been so much to take in. Seeing photos of how my siblings had changed over the years and the grief of not having them etc.
I saw them once after that and the children didnt say anything else. They had just been to Ireland for four days and my brother said when the boy showed me his eczema that he got that in Ireland he also said that the children were very hard to get to bed back home because they were so excited and happy to be there. When they go to bed my brother and his wife go out leaving them with our dad. There are other things that point to the possibility of something happening.
My brother had a psychotic breakdown 9 years ago, he has a diagnosis of bipolar but doesnt take medication, he has done a little therapy, and through that he came to the conclusion that he could see me. When I met him first he was interested in having me validate the childhood things that he believes caused this. He is one of the youngest and he was in touch with how we older children caused him harm, also the big family the rural Irish culture of the time etc. His wife heard the conversation and said it sounded a lot more real than what she has to listen to in our family normally. However he insists that I must have had a breakdown like him to come to the conclusion that the dad is a perp. He says he was never beaten, though I know he was and that he is not idealising our parents. He is not in therapy now and the last time I saw him he seemed to have pulled back from looking at our family. He smokes quite a bit of dope and the little boy had dilated eyes last time I was there. His wife looked a bit ashamed when I opened the window and suggested smoking in the garden.
I asked him if I could go to Ireland with them when they were going next, he said no, I thought I could find out more and protect the children. He said another brother who also has psychotic episodes has a gun and he thought it possible he could use it on me. This rings true. That brother gets sent to expensive private hospitals to find out what is physically wrong with him. (mental illness! not in our perfect family) My UK brother said that none of the family will talk about his mental illness even if he brings it up.
I have not seen my brother in months, I know he is reluctant to see me but he insists that he is just working a lot and gets angry if I say that it may be hard for him to see me. I expect that he may be glad to have an excuse not to see me.
All this is about asking what other people would do about this in my shoes. Any thoughts would be welcome. I am thinking that I will reflect back to my brother and his wife what he said about the boy and see how that is received. I dont know that the children are being abused and if they are who is abusing them. My intuition is that it is happening. I think that it would be our father or it may have jumped a generation and the brother who lives at home may be a perp.
This goes round in my head in a confused mess, it feels awful, I have talked about it in t and she has helped some with all the contradictory feelings but I am still in a mess about it. I cant bare that this crap may still be happening and I want to make sure its not but I dont think thats possible. Anyway its good to write it out. Thanks for reading.
Rustam.
I had not seen him for 13 years, then I got a message from him saying he would like to see me. I was very happy, the split came about when I told my family that dad was an abuser. I am one of ten kids and none of them accepted this. My memories were mostly not continuous. So I had lots of debate about the actual truth etc.
I had told the police and social services about the father as I was worried about a two-year-old nephew. The social services said that an anal fissure could have been caused by abuse but that there was no proof and they had to close the case. My family were in a rage with me so wouldnt see me.
My brother is married with 2 children. A girl 7 and a boy 3. I felt before seeing them that they were safe as they are in the UK and the prep lives in Ireland. The girl while playing with playdo made a figure of a woman in a bed, she then changed it to a man by putting a big dirty willy on it. She started stabbing the willy with a pencil getting really angry, she stopped when the boy started crying about what she was doing.
My brother said in front of his wife and children that the boy had asked him to allow him to put his willy (the boys) in his dads mouth. The boy started crying and hid in his mums shoulder. The mum said something to the affect oh you shouldnt have told that its a secret. The boy looked so distressed and ashamed. I had hardly slept and sadly let the whole thing fly right over my head. The whole visit had been so much to take in. Seeing photos of how my siblings had changed over the years and the grief of not having them etc.
I saw them once after that and the children didnt say anything else. They had just been to Ireland for four days and my brother said when the boy showed me his eczema that he got that in Ireland he also said that the children were very hard to get to bed back home because they were so excited and happy to be there. When they go to bed my brother and his wife go out leaving them with our dad. There are other things that point to the possibility of something happening.
My brother had a psychotic breakdown 9 years ago, he has a diagnosis of bipolar but doesnt take medication, he has done a little therapy, and through that he came to the conclusion that he could see me. When I met him first he was interested in having me validate the childhood things that he believes caused this. He is one of the youngest and he was in touch with how we older children caused him harm, also the big family the rural Irish culture of the time etc. His wife heard the conversation and said it sounded a lot more real than what she has to listen to in our family normally. However he insists that I must have had a breakdown like him to come to the conclusion that the dad is a perp. He says he was never beaten, though I know he was and that he is not idealising our parents. He is not in therapy now and the last time I saw him he seemed to have pulled back from looking at our family. He smokes quite a bit of dope and the little boy had dilated eyes last time I was there. His wife looked a bit ashamed when I opened the window and suggested smoking in the garden.
I asked him if I could go to Ireland with them when they were going next, he said no, I thought I could find out more and protect the children. He said another brother who also has psychotic episodes has a gun and he thought it possible he could use it on me. This rings true. That brother gets sent to expensive private hospitals to find out what is physically wrong with him. (mental illness! not in our perfect family) My UK brother said that none of the family will talk about his mental illness even if he brings it up.
I have not seen my brother in months, I know he is reluctant to see me but he insists that he is just working a lot and gets angry if I say that it may be hard for him to see me. I expect that he may be glad to have an excuse not to see me.
All this is about asking what other people would do about this in my shoes. Any thoughts would be welcome. I am thinking that I will reflect back to my brother and his wife what he said about the boy and see how that is received. I dont know that the children are being abused and if they are who is abusing them. My intuition is that it is happening. I think that it would be our father or it may have jumped a generation and the brother who lives at home may be a perp.
This goes round in my head in a confused mess, it feels awful, I have talked about it in t and she has helped some with all the contradictory feelings but I am still in a mess about it. I cant bare that this crap may still be happening and I want to make sure its not but I dont think thats possible. Anyway its good to write it out. Thanks for reading.
Rustam.