Possible to build a "psychological firewall"?

[DanielQ432]

I am still in this very shitty, up and down place. Today is again therapy, and I always try to think about what important has happened, what topics and concepts I feel I need to discuss or work on, and what questions or concerns or issues I want him to answer or address.

This morning, something occurred to me: over the past 2 weeks, when I've been lost in the dark pit, depressed, anxious, having flashbacks to past events, moody, and having a lot of suicidal thoughts and images, it has been completely in my head, completely internal. Nothing bad has happened in real life, I've been functional, ranging from marginally on some things to extremely on others. Externally, other than perhaps seeming moody at times, and a little angry or aggressive at times, just short-tempered or perhaps more opinionated, nothing is visible to anyone else. I'm functioning, I'm accomplishing things, everything is OK in the real world (or, as my therapist and I call it, "consensus reality").

So, this is my question, for anyone here who chooses to answer it, and also for my therapist today. It's kind of a "practical" or "nuts and bolts" question, because I believe the concept can happen: people have developed a "psychological firewall" in hard circumstances, to help them keep doing the things they need to do in the real world/consensus reality while dealing with some terrible things. Two examples I can think of, the brilliant psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who survived Auschwitz by continuing to practice and by concentrating on moment by moment survival while acknowledging all of his inner despair in that living Hell. Another is John McCain, who along with the other POWs in Viet Nam were able to survive years of torture, abuse, and neglect by maintaining a sense of military order, discipline, purpose and concentration no matter what was being done to them.

So, I believe it can be done. And I believe if I could do that, it would be a tremendous leap forward for me - suffer in my mind, because it can and does happen, but somehow find a way to progressively minimize its effects on my day to day life.

A quick example of what I would like to do - I suffer from, and have from age 4 or 5, binge eating disorder, and in my late teens/college years, added some bulimic twists to it. It has degenerated to the point I do some really, really stupid things when I fall into the black pit - I can gorge myself on food, which is bad, but then I take dangerous amounts of OTC and prescription diuretic and purgative drugs, which is dangerous, I could actually induce a heart attack if I messed up my electrolytes too badly. I also cycle through weight gain and weight loss, and beat up my body either gorging myself like some Roman hedonist, or exercising like a demon.

And, I do all of that because I've had a shitty day that brought on flashbacks, or a big fight with a family member, or I'm depressed, or whatever ... day to day things, big or little, that throw off my equilibrium or crush my sense of optimism.

So, I need to find a way to compartmentalize all of that bad stuff, all of the bad feelings, in some way so that they reside in part of my mind, and they don't spill over into the other parts that are responsible for daily life in the real world. Like not binge eating junk food because I had a shitty day, but sticking to my nutrition plan and exercise plan that I paid good money to have professionals work up for me with full knowledge of all of my medical and psychological issues.

So, I believe it can be done, I need "nuts and bolts" ideas of how to do it. Thoughts, advice, any insights? TIA.

 

[Ceremony]

Great Expectations comes to mind. In me, your post shows you use the firewall, which is a thing for millions of us, and for me, mind storms of epic thinking levels have been shown to interfere my expectations.

My new T, fitting me like a glove, is showing me all the things I have seen, but in the resonating, and calm way that does exactly your desire. She's managed to start allowing me to put things away, while I process the choices I've made for our session.

I have written extensively about it, and see you in me, and hope you're not put off. Who wants to see something through another's eyes, it's counter to the mind storm, the thinker, the whirlwind of choices to go after. I can't do what you're expectations set up here. It's too much. I want a chunk of it, or however one wants to describe the parts of oneself to process. I'm too overwhelmed by myself. I have a complexity that I'm still discovering and thought all these decades I had a pretty good clue. No, I didn't.

This sexual betrayal messed me up on top of the horrific bullying and insidious destruction of parental neglect. I have learned what those have done to my brain. I'm taking small parts of my childhood, a bit at a time, and I'm looking at how it makes me feel and my physical reaction. And I have some very powerful physical reactions, I did not expect them to be so powerful. These are happening for me, in the safety of this new T, who is certified EMDRIA for my EMDR therapy and has introduced Sensorimotor Psychotherapy in this.

I tell this now a lot, and it's part of what I read all the old timers who needed it say, they're finding they're ruined boy, who went through the traumas. I have started that, and it's only been a few months. I now see where I'm going and I now have recovered and done some processing of what my 12 year old suffered. We're now together for the first time in 43 years. And I'm the one who took him back, he wanted me, but I had ignored him.

 

[Can_I_Do_This]

Hi Daniel,

A trick that's helped me achieve certain things -- like not smoking, not over-eating, anything really -- is a concept called CORE. It stands for commit, objectify, respond and enjoy. Here's how it works.

You're upset and you want to binge eat as a means of self-soothing. You know you really don't want to do it, it's not healthy, but you can't help yourself. Try this for empowerment.

Commit: I am truly committed to cutting back on smoking.

Objectify: the cravings for tobacco are not *mine*, they are chemically-induced by big tobacco to keep me hooked. It's not me who wants the cigarette, it's the chemicals inside.

Respond: I'm not smoking until 10:00AM. If you can hold this resolve, you can...

Enjoy: Revel in the feeling of power you have over yourself and your demons. Enjoy the fact that we do, indeed, have the strength to overcome anything using this simple princple.

CORE.

Hope it works for you, even just a little bit helps and the more you do it, the easier it gets.

All the best.

 

[physicsfriend]

I built an emotional firewall when I was very young and learned to compartmentalize my pain or trauma so thoroughly that I couldn't even properly access or understand it. For me, breaking down that firewall has been a bit of a triumph because it allowed me to finally start processing and healing instead of being at the mercy of instinct. That said, there are definitely times when i want to put it all back away for a while so I can have some peace and quiet in my head and just fucking function. I'm definitely no expert at it but here's a few things that sometimes help.

A) I acknowledge when I'm having what is called an "emotional flashback". Often, when overwhelming or confusing feelings are hitting me, I'd try to just ignore them as long as possible which would result in the problem building and building until I was completely pulled under by it. Instead, I've worked on trying to be mindful of my emotional state. If I can feel these flashbacks coming on or feel that I'm constantly 'on edge' or like all of my nerves are raw, I sit for a moment and just say "okay. I'm feeling these things. That's a sign that I'm entering an emotional flashback. This is what's happening to me." Just acknowledging that reality without either trying to ignore it or panicking about it gives me a lot more control over how I respond.

B) Once I've acknowledged it, I try to make a plan. Can I afford to take a break right now and work on improving my mental state, or is that impossible? If impossible, can I set a schedule for how long I'm going to remain "functional" and when I will allow myself to handle my feelings? Just knowing what's happening and making a plan for how to care for myself (either immediately or at a set time in the future) can again help me remain calm and remain focused on my work if necessary.

C) I have what I call the "All Powerful Emotions Wheel." It looks like this: https://inkwellideas.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/emotionwheel.png Because of how much I used to compartmentalize, I often have a really hard time identifying what feelings I'm experiencing, which makes them harder to control or manage. I will pull out the wheel and look through it and identify if anything on there sounds like what I'm experiencing. If I'm having a REALLY hard time, I'll open a text file and list all of the emotions I'm experiencing and then write next to them why I think I'm feeling them (including saying 'I have no idea why I'm feeling this' if need be). This exercise doesn't take long, but it's often sufficient to quiet the noise in my head that I've noted and acknowledged each of the feelings I'm experiencing. This can help get my brain under control again well enough that I can finish what I need to do for the day, or at least keep me from having a breakdown.

D) I try REALLY hard (and often fail) not to be hard on myself when I do become non-functional due to trauma and emotional flashbacks. Being afraid of the flashbacks and becoming angry at myself for failing to control them just makes them worse. Again, I try to sit calmly with myself and say "well, I didn't get my work done today that I wanted to do. Okay." And just acknowledge that fact without shaming myself but also without dishonestly trying to reassure myself that it's just fine. I had a flashback. I didn't get my work done. It's just a fact. Okay.

Regarding your eating disorder (which is a serious and dangerous medical condition and not a moral failing), I am not at all qualified to treat that, so I will primarily leave that to your therapist. I will say that I used to self-harm, which can sometimes be triggered by similar things as eating disorders (but not always). My self-harming compulsions tended to flare up during times when I was under enormous emotional and traumatic stress but was not fully acknowledging or understanding it. Self-harm was almost like a way to regain some level of control of my feelings, because then at least I could choose what sort of pain I felt and when I would feel it. These urges dropped way down in intensity once I started to understand and acknowledge the reality of my pain and becoming familiar with it rather than floundering half in denial and half in fear of it. That may or may not happen for you (and medical/psychological treatment is still a must) but it might help.

Wishing you the best! Hang in there

 

[DanielQ432]

Thanks guys, all good, helpful input there. Even better because I got nowhere near to discussing this concept/question in therapy, I used the entire time delving into the connections between my current state and the past, and trying to pull out some understanding of what is happening with me.