Positive notions
Hey guys,
Lately things have been going pretty good, due to new understanding i got. And since i owe a lot to you guys here, i thought i might as well share it here on MS.
In my case, what holds me back a lot is that i dont know who i am and what i stand for, so i try and copy behavior to cope with everyday life. I have lived like that for a long time. I always have had friends and also a few close ones. But i also can tell you that i have known my share of loneliness. Not being understood has been a major issue for me for a long time and only recently have i started to understand what caused me to not be myself. I realized that a lot of it came down to distrust, doubt - mainly self-doubt - and hatred towards myself. I felt like i could never really accept life 100%, there was always a part which didn't accept reality the way it is.
And lately i've come to understand that i am not responsible for the abuse, i only was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Sure, i could've done things differently, but that's no garanty that the abuse wouldn't have taken place anyway. So i can let go of all the shame and guilt i felt for being abused. It's not my job to feel guilty or ashamed.
It's up to me to deal with the pain it left in me. And seeing this for myself, has helped me to understand that there is nothing wrong with me as a person. I am 100% perfect the way i am. I just never was able to fully accept that i am a normal human being with all the things which come with that. I thought i could never have thoughts of shame and guilt and that those thoughts make me a bad person with low ethics and moral. But now i know that these thoughts are perfectly fine, but because of my past i labeled them instantly as dangerous. By this i created a lot of extra tension together with all the tensions i had from the past.
Understanding that i don't have to judge my thoughts has created a lot of calm inside. The depressed thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness, i can now finally accept them just like they are. I no longer need to change the past in order to feel safe. I'm am a grown man now, i can handle just being with these feelings and emotions. This gives me a feeling of just being human, no longer something bigger or smaller than life, but just an ordinairy human being like everybody else.
Also i've realized that i have held a lot of guilt with smoking marihuana. I felt guilty because i know my parents don't like it. But i never questioned why i did it. And so when i discovered the levels of shame behind the feelings of fear surrounding my use of MJ, i understood that i can let go of these feelings. All the shame comes down to the thought that in the end my parents dont like this behavior and therefor i should feel bad about myself. But i know that i'm old and wise enough to tell the difference between reality and a thought which has its roots in the past when i was a child and unable to stand up for myself.
And so life has calmed down a lot here. There is nothing to worry about because i no longer have to search for myself. I know now that i am here right now. And i also know that each and everyone of you is here too! If we can let go of all the thought train in your mind and see beyond, you might catch a glimpse of the true beauty of who you are. You are all amazing and wonderful human beings, with all the treats of men included in the package. There is nothing to be ashame of! Your sexuality is what it is, it might not be the norm, but tell me, what is the norm? We have had to carry heavy backage, but i now ask you for 10 mintues, to leave your backage aside and do a little meditation exercise.
If you would like to try, one of the best ways of meditating for me has been to just focus on the breath. You breath in and when you breath out you follow the outflow of air with your mind untill you breath in again. You don't have to focus on the in-breath, because it will happen again by itself. And then you continue to focus on the out-breath again. If your mind wanders or you capture yourself thinking, just remind yourself that it is thinking and go back to your breath. Try this if you like, it really helped me to calm down and disconnect from disruptive thinking. All thoughts are good. Just don't attach yourself to them. Just recognize them and return to the breath.
I wish you all the best!
Pieter
Lately things have been going pretty good, due to new understanding i got. And since i owe a lot to you guys here, i thought i might as well share it here on MS.
In my case, what holds me back a lot is that i dont know who i am and what i stand for, so i try and copy behavior to cope with everyday life. I have lived like that for a long time. I always have had friends and also a few close ones. But i also can tell you that i have known my share of loneliness. Not being understood has been a major issue for me for a long time and only recently have i started to understand what caused me to not be myself. I realized that a lot of it came down to distrust, doubt - mainly self-doubt - and hatred towards myself. I felt like i could never really accept life 100%, there was always a part which didn't accept reality the way it is.
And lately i've come to understand that i am not responsible for the abuse, i only was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Sure, i could've done things differently, but that's no garanty that the abuse wouldn't have taken place anyway. So i can let go of all the shame and guilt i felt for being abused. It's not my job to feel guilty or ashamed.
It's up to me to deal with the pain it left in me. And seeing this for myself, has helped me to understand that there is nothing wrong with me as a person. I am 100% perfect the way i am. I just never was able to fully accept that i am a normal human being with all the things which come with that. I thought i could never have thoughts of shame and guilt and that those thoughts make me a bad person with low ethics and moral. But now i know that these thoughts are perfectly fine, but because of my past i labeled them instantly as dangerous. By this i created a lot of extra tension together with all the tensions i had from the past.
Understanding that i don't have to judge my thoughts has created a lot of calm inside. The depressed thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness, i can now finally accept them just like they are. I no longer need to change the past in order to feel safe. I'm am a grown man now, i can handle just being with these feelings and emotions. This gives me a feeling of just being human, no longer something bigger or smaller than life, but just an ordinairy human being like everybody else.
Also i've realized that i have held a lot of guilt with smoking marihuana. I felt guilty because i know my parents don't like it. But i never questioned why i did it. And so when i discovered the levels of shame behind the feelings of fear surrounding my use of MJ, i understood that i can let go of these feelings. All the shame comes down to the thought that in the end my parents dont like this behavior and therefor i should feel bad about myself. But i know that i'm old and wise enough to tell the difference between reality and a thought which has its roots in the past when i was a child and unable to stand up for myself.
And so life has calmed down a lot here. There is nothing to worry about because i no longer have to search for myself. I know now that i am here right now. And i also know that each and everyone of you is here too! If we can let go of all the thought train in your mind and see beyond, you might catch a glimpse of the true beauty of who you are. You are all amazing and wonderful human beings, with all the treats of men included in the package. There is nothing to be ashame of! Your sexuality is what it is, it might not be the norm, but tell me, what is the norm? We have had to carry heavy backage, but i now ask you for 10 mintues, to leave your backage aside and do a little meditation exercise.
If you would like to try, one of the best ways of meditating for me has been to just focus on the breath. You breath in and when you breath out you follow the outflow of air with your mind untill you breath in again. You don't have to focus on the in-breath, because it will happen again by itself. And then you continue to focus on the out-breath again. If your mind wanders or you capture yourself thinking, just remind yourself that it is thinking and go back to your breath. Try this if you like, it really helped me to calm down and disconnect from disruptive thinking. All thoughts are good. Just don't attach yourself to them. Just recognize them and return to the breath.
I wish you all the best!
Pieter
