positive direction I think..
Hi everyone,
just wanted to share some positive feelings here, as i've certainly shared plenty of negative ones!
After yet another totally confusing/disorrienting conversation with bf on sat night, I spent the whole of sunday depressed and confused. Forced myself to really think about why i felt that way....took a whole day, but came to the conclusion that I'd had my head 'messed' with once again.
By the evening, I appologised for the foul mood i'd been in all day and then went on to express much anger about the previous night. He had lied to me and turned things around and not owned his own feelings. Having only realised recently this is what has happened for years, I have much anger about it all! I've been so emotionally abused it's hardly comprehendable....I was very candid and basically told him I really didn't see how this is supposed to be called a 'relationship'. How I just feel that what we have at the moment is little more than a friendship and I just don't know what to do. It's so hard to believe someone really wants intimacy with you and also the worry that even if they do, they may never be capable of going there. In the light of all that, I've just been having such strong feelings that the effort I put in, does NOT outweigh the confusion/depression/anger and rejection I get back and in the light of being able to continue with my own life in a fully functional way (especially concerning the children), my feelings are beginning to swing strongly towards simply calling what we have a friendship. Nothing more. Because I'm running out of energy....
PHEW!!! I was SO ANGRY!!!
And he took it well! He actually seemed relieved. Maybe we truly are moving into a healthier space now...
He said he just never knew before that a person could 'choose' to be intimate..
all makes a lot of sense...
He also said it probably is better if i express my anger and feelings as they come in 'situations'...as in I can stop treading on eggshells...I've just spent so many years being totally rejected and then more recently being so nervous I might tip him over the edge, it's going to take me courage now to stop all that. Not be scared...
I'm just so proud of him for standing firm yesterday through all of that. My depression/anger and constant foul mood all day, then my outburst in the evening! Really shows how far he's already come. Really gives me a bit of faith in us. I suppose i should be proud of myself too
just wanted to share my positive feelings and to say perhaps there is hope for people like us to be truly happy
peace,
Beccy
just wanted to share some positive feelings here, as i've certainly shared plenty of negative ones!
After yet another totally confusing/disorrienting conversation with bf on sat night, I spent the whole of sunday depressed and confused. Forced myself to really think about why i felt that way....took a whole day, but came to the conclusion that I'd had my head 'messed' with once again.
By the evening, I appologised for the foul mood i'd been in all day and then went on to express much anger about the previous night. He had lied to me and turned things around and not owned his own feelings. Having only realised recently this is what has happened for years, I have much anger about it all! I've been so emotionally abused it's hardly comprehendable....I was very candid and basically told him I really didn't see how this is supposed to be called a 'relationship'. How I just feel that what we have at the moment is little more than a friendship and I just don't know what to do. It's so hard to believe someone really wants intimacy with you and also the worry that even if they do, they may never be capable of going there. In the light of all that, I've just been having such strong feelings that the effort I put in, does NOT outweigh the confusion/depression/anger and rejection I get back and in the light of being able to continue with my own life in a fully functional way (especially concerning the children), my feelings are beginning to swing strongly towards simply calling what we have a friendship. Nothing more. Because I'm running out of energy....
PHEW!!! I was SO ANGRY!!!
And he took it well! He actually seemed relieved. Maybe we truly are moving into a healthier space now...
He said he just never knew before that a person could 'choose' to be intimate..
all makes a lot of sense...
He also said it probably is better if i express my anger and feelings as they come in 'situations'...as in I can stop treading on eggshells...I've just spent so many years being totally rejected and then more recently being so nervous I might tip him over the edge, it's going to take me courage now to stop all that. Not be scared...
I'm just so proud of him for standing firm yesterday through all of that. My depression/anger and constant foul mood all day, then my outburst in the evening! Really shows how far he's already come. Really gives me a bit of faith in us. I suppose i should be proud of myself too
just wanted to share my positive feelings and to say perhaps there is hope for people like us to be truly happy
peace,
Beccy
