*** TRIGGERS ***
You tell the deep truth about porn when you say it "soothes me so much but then makes me feel like shit." I believe firmly that as abuse survivors we NEED to feel like shit and we find many ways to create that feeling. Practically all forms of sexual acting out will do the same. I've stolen pornographic books and masturbated. I've used Playboy and Penthouse to masturbate. I've stolen lingerie, cross-dressed and masturbated. I've had anonymous sex with men and ejaculated. I watched hours of online porn and masturbated. And I always felt like shit afterwards. I carry profound shame over the sexual trauma I experienced as an infant and young boy and acted it out for decades before I found a sliver of compassion for myself. Of course, that happened only after I actually began remembering the sexual abuse.
The work initially was trying to find compassion for myself around use of pornography. By that time I'd concluded that using pornography while sitting at a computer at home was much better than seeking anonymous sex with me at video arcades and risking AIDS, or stealing lingerie and risking arrest. I told myself rather than playing a game and resisting the attraction of pornography I'd go straight to the computer when the feeling struck and get off as quickly as I could. I held it as a form of treatment I needed and gave myself permission to use it. Gradually the shame diminished and the time between episodes grew. I knew, of course, that occupying my mind with sexual images, whether from porn or from walking down the street was not a healthy thing if I wanted healing and so I began working with that... averting my eyes rather than ogling attractive women. Not picking up on all the eye candy on offer on websites... the story about this or that beautiful woman with large breasts on display at the bottom of the page. And eventually I stopped looking for porn. The cycle really began to break when I stopped demeaning myself for using porn. I saw it as treating sexual abuse, then let it go because healing became easier without those reminders of old behaviors.
So be gentle with yourself and recognize what you're doing. This is a perpetuation of the sexual abuse and letting it go will ultimately come from the intention to allow the abuse to remain in the past rather than contaminating your present. But first you will want to find compassion for yourself for using the porn to soothe yourself. Eventually you will find healthier ways to do that.