porn addiction TRIGGERS BIGTIME

[estuardo]

I have been on the board for about a week now, and I see my need to be here.

My porn addiction has flared up big time, and it is as bad as it was when I first started dealing with all of the SA stuff. I have gone to my old haunts, the gay porn, and not only saved some pics, but have made glossy photo copies to keep close by. I almost started downloading stuff from work yesterday, but stopped short, b/c of the obvious reason of getting caught.

My biggest fear is I will never be able to stop this, and I know, as a Christian, how important all of this is to God, and how He feels about sexual immorality. I fear He will banish me from Heaven, for good, and I wouldn't blame Him for that. Even though I was baptized, I still doubt my salvation.

Anyways, what really bothers me, is that He would never be proud of me, ever! I would never be used to help others, and worse yet, have one of my children catch me doing this, or finding my stuff, even though I risk that happening.

I feel like I'm living a LIE!! About my past, about getting better, about most everything. When I feel the most honest with myself, is when I'm acting out in my addiction. I can't totally explain it, only that I can honestly admit that this is my cross to bear, and I know it is a problem. My T keeps telling me that my acting out is typical of the guilt I feel regarding my abuse. The self-hatred, self-destructive behavior, justifying my suicidal tendencies toward what I do, hoping in some way that it will get me killed, so I won't have to do it myself. Or giving me a reason to do it, so I won't have to blame myself.

I just wish I had never been born, so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this!!

I need to stop now, way too much info!

 

[crisispoint]

estuardo,

I'm struggling with many of the same issues right now, so I don't know how much help i'll be to you, but i feel you need to here something.

what you're going through is, sadly, not unique (altho it is to you). we all go through times of fighting self-destructive urges, flashbacks to abuse, feel like we're living a lie, etc.

the thing is, my brother, you're not. you're recovering. you're getting help. you're not in denial to yourself anymore. there's a big difference in this.

and, as someone who fights with sexuality and God's place in all of that, God will NOT damn you for who you are. Nor will He damn you for scars inflicted on you by other people.

He knows your heart, estuardo. he knows you. he knows the truly good, but hurt, person you are, and He will get you through this. it's the petty hatreds of small-minded people who use His words to fit their twisted agendas, or worse, the abusers themse;ves who tell us different. it's lies, my friend, all lies.

feeling better about the person you are is the first step in overcoming the negative crap, like porn addiction. you are greater than your human weakneses, and I see in you a good person. one i'm proud to have met.

as i said, i'm pretty frigging rocky right now, but if you need anything, even if it's to vent, feel free to pm.

for what it's worth, i think you're a great person.

peace and love,

scot

 

[Brayton]

I feel lousy after each time that I use p'rn. You don't have to believe in G'd or adopt the Christian belief system to feel that way.

I think the most healing part of the Christian way of believing is forgiveness. That's why Jesus died and rose again. He died for the remission of all sins--that means all.

Each time it happens you go back to G'd in prayer requesting the intercession of Christ and since you already are sincerely sorry for your sins, you will be forgiven.

If you believe that and accept that, you are already healing. If you cannot yet accept it, keep that knowledge in some safe little corner of your mind and eventually you will be able to draw upon it.

Jesus is already proud of you. As much as it is hard to believe it, you are one of H's children, as he said. You can't doubt H'm.

I'm glad you were born.

I am angry that you were hurt and that you have to struggle with the outcomes of that now.

It is right for me to see that the acting out I do now is an outcome of what happened to me. now it is for me to take responsibility for what I do. I seek help so that I can do that, from a therapist and from the guys here. In that way, I make progress toward taking charge of my life and feeling happier and more fulfilled.

I'm glad you're here. What you say here helps me understand myself better and helps make me feel even more part of this supportive community.

Thank you.

You are a brave man for surviving. That is admirable.

 

[Lloydy]

As an atheist you might expect me to disagree with you all?
Well, I ain't about to start arguing religion, but what I will do is agree with the fundementals of some thing said so far.

I was raised in a deeply Methodist family, so I can remember that I was taught that "God is within you"

and, as someone who fights with sexuality and God's place in all of that, God will NOT damn you for who you are. Nor will He damn you for scars inflicted on you by other people.

"If" God is within you, then the question of forgiveness or damnation for using porn will surely be answered from within you?
I also remember something about "physician - heal yourself" maybe not the exact quote, but somewhere near I think? Anyway, whoever said that surely meant for the physician to look inwards to their own 'self' for the inspiration to heal.
Physician or not, that applies to us all.

Even non believers.
We all have our individual resources and strengths, that's what's kept us going until now, no matter how depleted and damaged they are.
What I call self-esteem and self-worth a believer might well call something else, it doesn't matter.
A believer will call upon his God for help. Is it the 'God within him' that answers? Do I just talk to myself in my own mind?

I have no trouble with anyone's beliefs, and I think we probably get the same answer when we ask for help. "look to your inner strengths"

May your God go with you.

Dave

 

[Raphael]

Dear Estuardo,

Thank you for opening this topic. I understand how you feel; I feel so much the same way.

Someone here once told me to remember that seeing porn is probably helping me from acting out in the real world. I had never looked at it from this perspective. But it is probably true. Well, I don't want to use this as a justification that will allow me to go on with my addiction, as I fear that becoming complacent about it will just make the addiction stronger, and who knows, even lead me to acting out for real. But it does help me not feeling guilty (or not sooo guilty...) after I see gay porn now because (1) I know it is a consequence of the abuse and if I am not to blame for the abuse, I can't be blamed for the negative effects it has on my life (and God won't blame any of us for that), (2) I ackowledge that I am "sick", that I am not well, that I am not at the place I would like to be BUT I am trying to recover, I am doing my part, God will also help me overcome this, (3) I am starting to realize that seeing pornography is like reliving the abuse, but this time in conivence (sp?) with the perpetrator, and in a self-destructive way I want myself to feel bad and feel guilty, just like I felt guilty for the abuse itself. This does not help me in my recovery. It just steals my own strength, the strength that I need in order to recover. The strength that we need in order to recover.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write these lines to you, because as I write them to you I am saying them to myself. When I started this reply I had no idea about what to say. I guess this is part of the "healing magic" that MS provides us. As we reach out to support each other, we are helping ourselves a great deal. Thank you, Male Survivor people!

 

[Ivo]

Estuardo,
try to not be so hard on yourself, these things are pretty much out of your control. It is not something that you can just stop because you want to be good Christian. It can look so simple but it is not. I hope that you are aware that this is just part of other problems that you have. The problems that are very serious.
Everything is connected and should be taken in consideration (unfortunately).

God knows very well all this. He knows how hard this cross is and how hard you are trying to change this.

With all your efforts I think that you also must forgive yourself much more often.

My strategy in dealing with pornography addiction was to try to reduce porn surfing as much as possible. I am still doing it from time to time but on much smaller scale. Eventually I hope that some day I would be able to say that I am not addicted anymore, but if that day wouldn't come I should be satisfied with this improvement.

Please try to keep clean your computer from all offensive materials because of your children. After moment of weakness erase everything from hard drive, browser and Operating System (there are a lot of traces on computers that can lead to problematic data). Kids are very curios and are usually very good with the computers keep that on mind.

Ivo

 

[Raphael]

Hi, Ivo.

I liked what you said to Estuardo. I think I should also convince myself that I should be content with a lower level of porn surfing but should not be so hard with myself as have high expectations of never surfing at all. I a working on it.

I also think it is very important to keep the omputer clean of all this stuff and I usually delete everything after I am done. (Also because I usually feel so bad and i don't want to have those pictures available anymore.) But I am never sure if I cleaned all the right places or if I might have left something there. Do you have any tips on this? How to really clean your PC?

I really appreciate it if you have any advice.

 

[phoster]

boy i could have wrote that a few years back. i mean everything you just said was exactly how i felt.

porn, masturbation, fantasies they can become pretty powerful. your driven to seek that release, the excitement of something you cannot live, but seeing others living it is a turn on. i got better climaxes, it became part of this whole build-up to the actual release, hours looking at porn.

when i began actually facing my abuse, and realized it was driving me, i began to change. recovery gave me power over it, as i faced my past. dont get me wrong, it took a lot of determination to stay off those sites, and it took filling that void with better things like this place. it took reminding myself every second of my wife and why i wanted to change. i had a little note tacked on the edge of my screen to remind me. it was vague enough that others wouldnt know what it meant, but i did. i had to totally focus on drying out for months before the temptation and call of porn finally went away, but i did it, and so can you.

 

[estuardo]

Thanks all for the help.

I've calmed down significantly since I posted this message. I'm stuck in the "cycle" of guilt, shame, pain, relieve the pain through acting out, feel guilty, and on we go.

Breaking the cycle has been the roughest part, with the guilt and shame. You can tell me till you're blue in the face, that it wasn't my fault, and my head believes you, but not my heart. My heart has deceived me for so long, and until I can get rid of this heart, I will continue.

When I get the unconditional love that I keep hearing about, but never seem to receive, that cycle will start breaking. So far, this group has been a good start, especially from all of you who PMed me. That is very up-lifting, and encouraging (which seems to be the balm I need, and the means to start breaking this cycle).

Being believed about what happened, and pursuing justice against those who do this stuff to us, is also, for me, a way to break this cycle.

Since my perp was a priest, when the Leadership of the Catholic church starts to really take responsibility for their actions, and the legal system is allowed to do it's job, then the weight of this oppression will start to be relieved, and I will be able to move out from under it's power.

Tall orders, but necessary if there is to be any stopping of the madness, and God can stop this, if He would only answer those requests I made.

Peace,
estuardo