I sorta half reported one thing involving this forums deal. Years back - it was terrible. I'd say worse than getting fucked... Every time my phone rings I fear it will be police telling me re-iterate or something. I fear applying for jobs that require security clearances beyond what I have in case they find tapes of me reporting what happened....

Dunno how to deal. New identity?


Hey, friend! I understand your worries, I had a bad experience too in the past while trying to report some of this stuff. The officer on the phone told me to wait on the line and then hung up. Needless to say, I suffered an emotional/nervous breakdown which has affected me ever since.

I think you should be ok. I get these fears too about police and re-traumatisation but I do tell myself that they are not real, that they are negative cognitive distortions. Have you verbalised your thoughts and fears before to others around you? Often hearing their different opinions may help to calm you down. I have found that that has worked for me. Security clearances usually just indicate if you have ever been charged for a crime before, not if you have reported one/being a victim of one.

Do you have any supports for you where you are? I understand your anxiety all too well, but trust me, you are going to be ok.

Sending you ((HUGS))
Hey Cthulhu

JayBro is correct security clearances look only if you have ever been charged with anything. I went into the USAF when I was 18. I had been investigated for a top secret security clearance. It wasn't because I was holding the keys to anything but I worked in a hospital and the flight line and I had to work with pilots and other types of officers with security clearances. I had to have the same clearance that someone I worked on. I was really scared that they would find out that I was a child prostitute and was forced to make porn movies when I was 14. But they came up with nothing. Because of my top secret clearance I wasn't allowed to leave the country after I was discharged for 5 years without permission. So they were pretty strict

I went to work for E. F. Hutton and later for Shearson Lehman Bros. and they both gave me polygraph tests. My head was exploding with anxiety. They asked questions like if I ever stole anything larger than pencils and pens or sticky notes. As a kid I used to shoplift with my friend and steal glue to make plastic models and sniff that. They asked me if I had taken any drugs worse than weed. I was an addict at 13 taking speed and when I was 14 I was into speed and heroin. So none of that was ever picked up so I really think you'll be OK. I don't even know if it's legal for the police to give tapes up.

I never had a problem getting a job because of my background. If I was qualified I got the job but my past never came up unless I would tell them what happened to me years ago.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope


I can also testify to that. I had to have clearance to work with DOC (department of corrections) and nothing was seen. I also have a passport since we go into Canada a few times a year. Nothing. Sometimes what we fear the most doesn't come to pass. Except for what brought us all here.......
My sexual abuse was officially "uncovered" to the USAF during a polygraph for a job that required a TS/SCI (Top Secret / Sensitive Compartmented Information) clearance with NATO Cosmic Access. One sentence during the poly tripped me up. The Defense Investigative Service changed one question from "Are you a homosexual?" to "Have you committed homosexual acts?"

When I said yes, I was read my rights and questioned for 3 hours without counsel. The charge the douche-bag was pursuing was "fraudulent enlistment." It took my CO and director of operations direct involvement to stop the witch hunt. I got the clearance but lost the assignment.

One of the greatest truths I have learned is this; once I faced a fear, in many cases they lose their hold on me.

*** TRIGGER ***My worst nightmare had been that an investigator would come into a room and he'd throw down a manila envelope onto a desk. When it makes contact it bursts open with the kiddie porn that was shot of me spilling out. In the nightmare the envelope never stops emptying until the room is filled. Had something similar happen last year. I was informed one of the "Kinderspiel" videos had survived and had been converted to digital medium. A very zealous young U.S. Attorney wanted to charge the distributor with an additional charge of criminal conspiracy - commission of sexual assault of a minor. I had to be interviewed all over again, it sucked. I was very difficult to be around, even my therapist was getting on my nerves. I got through it. I have not had the "envelope" nightmare since.

The other big lesson I have learned is this: When it comes to my past the only opinion that matters is my own. I lived it, I earned the right to my position.

The big thing to remember is, you are not alone Cthulhu. If you don't have a therapist, get one it helps.
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Hey Izzy

I'm sorry but I have to put a *** TRIGGER *** tag on some of this due to I have to explain why and how I was forced to do things that are sick in order to talk about some of the things here.

From the time I was 9 until I was 18-1/2 and going away to the USAF there were literally thousands and thousands of photos taken of me. Everything would be considered porn these days. I was in boy magazines and every john that I was with would take home movies of me. When I was 14 and for the next year I was forced to abuse little kids. If beating me didn't work they beat me and the kids. We were all then viscously abused but by the biggest fucken ugliest muscle bound apes on the planet earth. During that year I had 6 broken ribs and they never let heal, they kept breaking them. so I now have bumps where they fused together rather badly.

The abuses that helped me make up my mind to do what they wanted was an electric prod up my ass and things like hanging me from the ceiling by one foot with my hands tied behind my back and placing a candle in my ass. They would take movies of the way I was crying and jerking around from the dripping wax on my privates. Another favorite movie plot was to hang me from the ceiling by both legs spread apart and hands behind my back and used enemas to fill me up with water until I had problems breathing. If they wouldn't stop I would likely have drown not from the water but not being able to take in air.

I still fight with the thoughts that I might even have killed a kid. My T says no but I told him I felt kids go cold and I know they took pictures of me with non responsive cold kids. This is sick and I have to live with it and those possibilities that I might have killed someone or they were killed because I didn't do something fast enough. I don't think that if kids did die with me that I wasn't the principle cause. A lot of those kids were not in good shape anyway after a few sessions with those fucken sick bodybuilder creatures. (I cannot look at pictures of bodybuilders without getting a panic attack).

I have to mention that I believe in "snuff" movies. It wouldn't have taken much more abuse of any type to kill me or the other kids.

What I want to bring out something that you mentioned about being swamped by past photos of you in a room. I don't want to sound bad but I'm sure that pictures taken years ago on film (I was in the game in the '60s) that if those pictures were still around they are on the net, all of them. The movies of me and those kids I have been guaranteed are in the deep dark part of the net. The only movie I ever saw was the one taken of me being electrocuted the week before tied to the four corners of a king size bed with white sheets. This movie was to instill in me that I should listen to what I"m told. I had to watch the whole movie from the time I hesitated to do something with the kids to the end when they dragged me out of the room and put into a shower.

That was brought to the surface in my mind when a while later I was tied naked (everything was done naked) to four corners of a table with a pistol on my chest and some naked little kids standing around. Usually I was drugged but not at a time like this. The kids were told go find a bullet for the gun. While they were looking I was told that I was not a good kid that I did not listen to what I was told to do. I was basically a pain in the ass to have around. I knew that they did what they said they would. they were just evil. I was crying and pleading I was hysterical. One kid found a bullet and the guy placed it into the gun and put it to my head. He pulled the trigger and I went blank. No I wasn't shot. My T said I just dissociated instantly. I woke up like always when they were finished with me on the floor of a shower with two women washing me up and then laying me in front of a TV until I was in good enough shape to be given something to eat and then taken back to civilization where they picked me up.

I still have vicious nightmares where I am being chased by young kids and wake up screaming when they finally catch me. I have a couple of grandchildren but the 10 year old and his 8 year old brother I cannot be in the same room with. They live in the upstairs apartment in my house and they come and go whenever they want. usually to get to the freezer and cookie jars. When I'm surprised by them and one of them jumps on me I start to freak out. I quickly stand up and go straight to the freezer and give out the good stuff. I was never able to play with any of my 6 kids. No homework, baseball, going to parks etc. I am now having the same problem with my grandchildren.

Since I fell apart in 2011 I have never applied for a job that needed a background check. I would never make it through. The last job I took a technical interview at I just dissociated in the middle and that was it. They asked me if I needed a drink of water and escorted me out.

I don't want to forget but i have found pictures of me as a naked child (like at a nude beach) with a simple google search. I didn't look for dirty pictures but rather looked up themes from the '60s.

Sorry for writing so much but my T made sure that If I mention the movies and the kids I have to say and explain that I was forced and how. I'm really sorry if some of that was triggering.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Sorry Jeff,

I should have put a trigger warning on my post. My first T was shocked when I would tell him I was "lucky." I only worked in the sex trades for two years. I escaped by moving into a different environment with different abuse (physical and emotional). I have no doubt moving onto the Navy base with my dad and step-mother saved my life. My heart breaks for you. I carried a lot of guilt for a lot of years about the other kids that my pimp continued to rent. Even among them I had it "easy." My clients were not permitted to mark me, to keep from arousing my mother & step-dad's suspicion.

My least favorite Johns were the ones who wanted the illusion of love. One Vice cop springs to mind, but that is a different story.

If I triggered you I am sorry.
Hey Izzy

No you didn't trigger me at all and besides you did put a trigger warning on your post.

I can relate tour use of the word "favorite" in relation to how you describe how you were treated by johns. Most johns were good to me. I can't say that I had favorite johns but for the most part they were kind. But there were johns that were hurtful. But they would give me larger tips not tell papasan. I never touched an money that papasn got and I was always delivered to a date and almost never worked the streets. The only time I did work the street was to buy food for a party every weekend for us 4 boys in the apartment. We all took turns. My boyfriend Bobby and I were really naive about bow to work the streets so the other two kids
would make the deal with the pickup.

I do not concider the animals by the parties, movies or my abduction johns. They were vicious and very unkind. For one thing while I was at the parties or movies I was not allowed to talk to other kids and talk to the adults when spoken to.

I to feel really bad knowing that my boyfriend most probably died not long after I left. All he knew from the age of ten was to have his body sold. He never went to school once he and his older brother ran away from home.

It's always hard to deal with the kids we left behind. I suffer every day having to deal with the kids in the movies and what happend to them. They were really treated badly and viciously. There were alway new kids when I came to the movies. I don't see how the kids could be returned to their parent's. Those kids were destroyed. I don't see how they could be returned to society. So what happened to them. Did they make snuff movies with them? Sick

Another friend who ran away to sunny California either died of an overdose or commited suicide when he was 20.

I made a full report of csa from my uncle to the county Prosecutors office back in 2000. I had to go down there and "interview" with a detective, they wouldn't take any report over the phone... **funny thing or not so funny thing happened when I got to their office, when I walked up to the desk, the officer there assumed that I was there to register as a sex offender. I was like, "WHAT???" He then said, "oh, I'm sorry... who are you here to see?" Not a good way to start things off.

Only about a year and a half later I applied to the state police for a permit to purchase a handgun & a shotgun. Needless to say I was nervous that they may find that report somehow and assume that I was gonna use my planned purchase for revenge... I would've made the same assumption if I were in their shoes "if" that report came to light. It never came to light, was never asked anything about it.

A couple years ago we applied to become a host family for the Fresh air fnd (host a city kid for a week in the summer), again I thought, what if they find something about that old report in my background check? Would that disqualify me for fear of the "vampire syndrome"? Would I be probed further? Again, nothing came up, all worries were for naught.

These were both very thorough background checks. We were not the bad guys in the csa, so we don't have a "record" to be found. I think you should be safe from hearing anything further about it...unless they need testimony from you to add to anyone else's who might come later and are able to prosecute the perp (assuming that your's is beyond the statute of limitations like mine was). I myself would've welcomed further contact if it meant my perp was gonna not get away with it... Unfortunately he died two years ago without serving a day in jail, he did have to spend the last 14 years of his life knowing that the whole family knew what he did to me, he then exiled himself.
Hey George

Kudos for becoming a host family. That is really a kind thing to do for some kid.

I also had something similar to you with the fear of a report popping up at the wrong time. When I went into the USAF I had to have a sort of top secret security classification at least at the same level of someone that would come into the hospital or when I worked on the flight line would have. I was afraid that they would come up with bunches of magazines that had naked pictures of me or that I was still on drugs.

When I went to work as a programmer for a large brokerage house they gave a polygraph test and I sort of kissed that job away and was afraid that the fact that I failed would follow me forever. So they asked me if I ever stole anything larger than things like tape, pens and that sort of thing. So I asked him that kind of stealing it OK? I really didn't get an answer but rather a dirty look. Then he asked me if I took drugs anything more than weed. And I again asked him if I was allowed to smoke weed in the smoking areas? again I got a dirty look. But anyway with all the security checks especially in the USAF they never found anything and I was on drugs when I went for the polygraph test also.

Go figure. Was I lucky or was someone not doing their jobs or not trained well enough.

It is good that the family found out what he did to you but did the passing of time from when you reported it and the family found out about it did it stay in their minds or did they forget what he did?

Again Kudos for being a host

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hi Jeff,

No, I doubt any of the family forgot his deeds, he was a drunken bum who couldn't keep his hands off the woman anyway, so the news of him being a child molester, too wasn't a stretch for them to consider and accept. In fact, when I finally told my Father what he did to me, his reply was, "you know I never trusted that guy!"... I thought to myself but didn't say, So why did you dump your kids there most weekends????? It's not something talked about openly these years later, I don't want my kids knowing anything about any of it...

The very few bright spots of my childhood was the church scouting group I became a part of at 11-12 to 15, it opened up another world to me & I loved the camping, boating, crafts and other things we did. The two guys who ran it were very generous with their time and were truly honorable men. Because of that, I too am helping out in my boys scouting group and love it, it does as much good for me as it does for the boys. I hope that being there makes a difference in the boys lives like it did for me. Same for the summer hosting of the city kids, but there I know we are opening up new worlds for these kids. It's great seeing them concur their fear of water, trying new things like fishing, kayaking & paddle boarding & even just swimming. Thanks for the kudos, but I truly get as much out of it as doing it.
Bey George

I wish there was more people like you in the world. I wanted to do something like that but cannot interact with kids. I couldn't even interact with my own kids.

The boy scouts didn't go so well for me. The scoutmaster gave a whole speech about not throwing a hatchet for any reason. So after the lesson he pick me, the little gay punching bag, to answer the following the big question - if a bear was coming at me would I throw the hatchet at him and I said no. I mean he just said under no circumstanses. He spit out the word at me "STUPID". And then we t about embarrassing me in front of the entire troupe. The rest of that meeting he treated me like I was some sort of idiot.

But the real reason that I was never able to play or do homework with my kids was the terrible things I wad fourced to do to young children under penalty of touture and death. So I never really held my children or any of those things that a father does with his kids.

I can't even hold my grandchildren. I don't ignore them if they jump on me but the longer they stay attached to me the more I start panicking. My wife will run interfearanse for me when she is. I miss that so much but I don't see anything happening in this life. For the people who believe in the afterlife they get to see their kids and predicessors. I don't belive in the afterlife so all I got to look forward to is maggots :crazy:

The one thing I don't understand is the why did your father leave you with him if he new that be could not be trusted? Do you hold him somwhat responsibe for what he did to you?

You are a good man. I wish you all the happiness you can all handle, and then more :)
Hi Jeff,

Sorry you had to endure a lousy scout leader, sounds like a real jerk. I can assure you there is no one like that in our group. Someone would be picking up his teeth if I heard something like that being done to a kid around me.

If I had the kids before I dealt with this crap, it would've been me who would've been distant with no contact with them too. Since I had them later, I made the decision to be all in with them, to have & be a part of the kind of family that I never had. That's all I wanted as a kid, to be rescued from all the dysfunction around me and be a part of a "real" family. My Wife had a phsycho mom who ruined her family life too, so it was important to her as well that we try our best with our little family. We like to say that we cut down our poison ivy infested family trees and started our own little sapling.

My father was too busy having a good time carrying on with his love life to worry too much about his kids, they were with his sister after all. Yes, I blamed him for his culpability in it. He did apologize for his short comings while raising us, he figured it out too late. He still never got it right though, he threw away his blessing of Grandchildren too by not being there for them, and now it is too late as he is rotting away in a nursing home from dementia half way across the country. His life & choices are like a cautionary tail to me. He doesn't have much of a legacy to pass onto his future generations (no money either, wah wah wahhhh). It's kind of sad, there are no positive stories to tell my kids about their Grandfather. I forgave him, but that didn't magically make the past better for me.
Hey George

That is truly very sad that he left himself out of his kids lives. In a way I was lucky that my parents lived in Florida while me and my family live in NY. I would have liked if my parents stayed in Florida but I knew that if they stayed down there they wouldn't be here this long. They have no idea what it would have been like to have hooked up with their grandchildren and now their great grandchildren. Well they never hooked up with me so I don't suspect that they would have done any better with them.

I built for them an addition to my house so they would come liver with us and we could take care of them but it seemed to be a one way street. They were supposed to pay off the addition with the money they made from the sale of their condo. So I'm not only paying off the priciple but also the interest. THey told me a couple of years ago when my house went into foreclosure because I couldn't pay. My parents told me that they couldn't pay their share of the addition because if I would loose my house (which was mortgage free) they would have to have money to go live someplace. But duh hey, how about my family if they had taken my house away. My taxes on my house before the addition was $6,000/year and now with the addition its' $14,000/year. So they live rent free. The only thing that I have out of the whole situation is that I know I took care of my parents. To bad they didn't take care of me. They didn't have a bunch of kids to take care of and raise. I was basically on my own since I was 12 and I didn't really live with them for the next 50 years.

All they had to do was show a little love and kindness not only to me but to my family and my kid's families. The fact that I first found out last December that I was adopted did not add any love to the mix. There is no real relatives on my mother's side and on my father's side I only knew his younger brother and his son. my cousin's mother has a big family and they knew I was adopted. when my cousin told me that I was adopted I was floored. He was under the impression that I knew I was adopted. He knew that since he was a little child and so did his relatives. That did not add any love between me and my parents.

I am not at the stage to forgive but I'm sure they couldn't give a shit just like all the other years.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hi Jeff,

Some people just don't have the parenting instincts I guess, My father didn't have it, although he loved his Mother. He loved only three people, himself, his Mom & himself...in that order :) I don't know if it was because he himself came from a broken home, etc... When my uncle (his brother) would come visit, when my kids were young, he'd call my father to let him know that he was robbing his blessing. That didn't change anything though. My kids couldn't pick my father out in a line up.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, you should've been told early and it shouldn't have been a "secret". I can certainly understand your feelings about just finding out now, on top of all their other shortcomings.

Ah yes, NY/NJ taxes... I feel your pain there. That sucks that they didn't keep their end of the bargain for the addition.

My Wife & I dream of retiring somewhere warm in 10 years, but know how much our kids & future Grandkids will need us & that we should be there at least half the year for them & for us. I've seen the difference when other families stick close (as long as there are no major issues) it's a beautiful thing. There are a few families in church like that, from great grand parents all the way down to little kids filling up a pew. I wish that we had that for our kids. I hope to provide that for my Great Grand kids someday.

What really matters in the scheme of things now, is how we have to be the change agents from the past generations dysfunctions (including our own). I want my legacy to be of how much i did for my kids, all the time i invested in them, how they knew every day that they were loved by me.

I took a friend & his sons camping & boating with us one time. His wife made the remark that it was so nice that I did all these things and that I included her family. I told her that this is a way to ensure that someday my own Grand kids get to do these kind of things, that as much fun as it is today, it is an investment into the future generations.
Hey George

I think that I do have to put a *** TRIGGER *** notice on this post. I hope anything that I said here doesn't hurt anyone.

Yeah it would have been nice to know about being adopted. Over the years I would always make the joke that I just can't see my mother pregnant. I could never see her going through all that pain. My wife when we had our kids always said that she love what came from all those upset stomach days. My mother would never do it. I was correct. She isn't my mother and he isn't my father. I can't even say that they supported me like a son. My mother spent the winters in their house in Florida and my father used to go to the airport straight from work on Thursday and come back on Monday and go straight to work That all started when I just 13. So I spent a lot of time without them. Maybe my mother would come back north of a week here or there. So I really have never lived with them since I was 12. I was already being rented out.

That's really a sweet part of personality building to want such a noble thing as simple as togetherness. I really believe that you will get your wish. Unfortunately I was never able to enjoy my kids. They are all great caring kids because of their mother. I was never able to enjoy doing homework with my kids or rolling around on the grass with them. I would drive by a father playing catch with his kids I would start to tear up. I have fear of kids. Part of my past was having movies made of me abusing little kids O being abused by these huge bodybuilders or any combination. I am more than 99% sure that I had sex with dead kids. I'm not going to go into that but the first time I hesitated when I was 14 to rape a little girl and then hesitate to rape a little boy I was taught a lesson of electric shock treatment when I had a rod stuck up my ass and tied down on my back spread eagle and the juice turned on. I really didn't know after a while what was happening anymore because of the drugs that I had been given and the electric treatment. But what they did do as with anything that went on there was they had plenty of camera men, and the next week when I had to show up a place where they would pick me up and the driver would hit me as soon as I got into the car and throw me down to the floor by my hair. I was told to keep my head down and my eyes closed until I was told otherwise. That next Tuesday they stripped me like usual but gave me no drugs. They sat me down in a large room next to a projector (this was the early '60s) in front of a screen and a bunch of men sitting along a wall. They showed the film of me hesitating with the kids and then being electrified. It was an awful thing to watch and it made the impression that they wanted. It also showed how they bead the two little kids because I didn't do what they wanted me to do. So if I didn't listen instantly both I and the other little boy were beaten. I never saw another girl there. It was all boys. That went on for almost a year and half. I used to be tortured by the bodybuilders who were really sick people. What they put me through but what they also put these little kids through was horrible. That is the reason I was never able to get close to my kids.

Nobody, including my wife knew anything about my past. My oldest son was I think about 7 or 8 years old and my wife said that the doctor wants us to give my son a suppository. So after my wife finished bath time with him I sat on the floor of the bathroom alongside my wife and I had to give him that suppository. The kid screamed and cried and I was falling apart. I never thought that I would be doing that again, I'm shaking just telling you that. I never recovered from that and I never did anything like that again.

I'm sorry that I had to tell you that but I had to say why I couldn't be part of my kid's lives. Six really great kids with families of their own. It was something that I always wanted buy couldn't do. Now my grandkids are range in age from 3 to 14. I cry when I see a father having some kid time. Hopefully I will be able to give one of my grandchildren a kiss. just a simple kiss is all I want

Kudos go out to you. You're a great father and future grand and great grand father to be. I better go I'm a little shaken up.

Thanks for being a great father

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Hi Jeff,

What you were put thru was beyond abusive, no one could fault you for what you couldn't do for your kids as they were growing up. You did your best, that's all we could ever hope to do. Believe me, I am not a perfect father either, I'm better than my own, but I have my faults as well. Like you, I depend on my Wife's softness with them to help make up for my shortcomings & roughness.

Wow, six kids & grand kids, there's got to be a whole lot of love there for you as their Father & Grandfather. I hope & pray that you'll get your wish to be able to share wholesome affection with them someday (soon). That love makes for some of the best medicine for our inner brokenness. We all deserve and need it.
Hey George

We just have to be better than we were dealt which I don't think is too hard listening to all the stories on MS. I have to than my wife because she was the one that had all the love. I think and hope that I was close with my kids but they don't know how far away I felt and now it's the same with my grandkid. Those kids will run up to me and give me smiles, hugs and kisses. But shit I can't hug them. I want to be able to hug them back or even kiss them. But all I feel is that I cannot enjoy them and I'm the hug and kiss of death.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I started EMDR last week and I'm going into the city in a few minutes. so we'll see where that goes

Speak soon and again thanks for the sweet words they are comforting.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope