please what is a "safe place"

please what is a "safe place"
I

indygal

Registrant
back when i first came to this site, there was much discussion about my bf having retreated to his "safe place" and i've since read more about this both on ms and elsewhere.

however, everyone talks about it but no one actually defines it - what is it exactly? a drunken stupor? ok, bad joke but really, it sounds as if it's a mental state but again am not really sure - and can it also be a physical place?

(too many) years ago i took a test anxiety workshop in college for people who felt they could do better in test-taking situations if they weren't so uptight. we were taught various muscle-relaxing exercises and how to calm one's mind - kind of like yoga - we spoke of a "happy place" - is that pretty much the same thing?

and is it a conscious-level decision to go to one's "safe place" or is it the same as dissociation which is sort of just a survival mechanism of last resort?
 
in therapy when it becomes too much, therapists often help us create a safe place in our mind. for me it was at home with my kids and wife watching TV. it was a place that i felt protected and comfortable, and when i felt threatened i could go there in my mind to escape.

even before therapy, many victims have a safe place they may not even realize they are using. i used to escape into sexual fantasies. that was what took me away and allowed me to escape before therapy. it is any place a person goes to escape in thier mind that feels safe and comforting to them and allows them not to face whatever pain is coming at them.
 
i think it depends on the person ,during my abuse when i was locked in the closet it became my safe place,weird i know but true in there he couldnt hurt me at least for a while ,for me now a safe place is a place where i can talk about my past and feel comfortable ,or just scream and yell ,my safe place now is this site. shadow
 
Indy,

An abused boy quickly reaches the conclusion that the whole world is unsafe for him and that harm and danger can reach him from any place at any time. I can remember, for example, lying in my bed at night afraid, waiting for hands to come up from underneath the bed to touch me in bad ways. And although I was never harmed in my own house, I still had hiding places where I could go if suddenly some danger appeared.

Apart from the sense of physical danger there is also the emotional harm that a boy suffers. Being young he does not yet have the skills to process what is happening to him or make any sense of it, so it's all just a hurricane of bad feelings and fears in his head - again, all of this stressing a feeling that he is not safe.

An adult survivor still carries around a lot of this emotional baggage. One never knows when it will ambush him: a wave of panic if someone touches him, a sense of danger if he is alone in a room with another man, and so on. Again, a personal example. I was sitting at the kitchen table at my parents' house with my parents, one of my sisters, and two friends who are like family to me. So pretty safe. Wrong! For no reason I was suddenly overwhelmed by this feeling of danger and I said to my Dad: "I'm afraid it will start all over again and I can't make him stop". And the perp who abused me died in 1994!

So an survivor's efforts are often devoted to what he may call finding or getting to his "safe place". It may be a physical place, but I think more usually it means an effort to calm down and realize he is not in danger. One can think of a special place, but it can also mean concentrating on special memories, people or things. When I was having flashbacks I made sure I had my stuffed dog around, and I kept a collection of really nice photos that recalled pleasant memories or otherwise made me feel good. I also had relaxing music around and played that when I felt uncomfortable.

So really, I think the idea of a "safe place" refers to a state of mind, even if special places and memories are involved.

Hope this is helpful.

Much love,
Larry
 
Although I could be entirely wrong about this, I don't think I am... hhmm...
One of my husband's safe places is playing video games (at home) - he is safe, he knows what to expect, he can escape from the stress of everything, and become the sniper in the game he is playing. This used to be a very sore spot for us, but we have compromised on times to play and as long as he gets about an hour a day, he is fine... if he misses out, he is very..anxious.
I also think that I might be a safe place for him... A long time ago, when we first met, I rolled over in bed, and wrapped my arms around him (his back was to me), and the engery that came from him and how he just snuggled and curled up - I just knew that NO ONE had ever held him, comforted him. I know that on nights when I do hold him, he sleeps so well..he exudes this calm/content energy. I know that I am one of the few people he feels safe with generally, it feels good that something so simple can mean so much.
 
hi manda--

Boy, it is hard to get to a place of peace about those video games!

My partner is much healthier about it than he used to be. At this point I'm grateful that he enjoys it more than other hobbies which would be more expensive and would require him to get a babysitter or leave me at home alone.

Also, he was able to get some confidence about making friends with other men... online he was just being himself, but also he was "one of the guys"-- once he realized that, he was able to feel a lot more comfortable making friends with other men at his work and elsewhere in his real life.

SAR
 
My definition of a "safe place" is one where I don't feel a lot of fear or anxiety. I have a big fear of rejection because of the shame of being molested and my ways of acting out. I chose some wrong people to disclose my abuse to and got rejected and alienated which added to my fear.

This MS board is a safe place for me now. I feel accepted and understood here. When I first came on, I just lurked around and read, and was too scared to post anything. After reading a lot of other people's stories and messages, I got over my fear.

My therapist's office is another place I feel safe.

I also feel safe out in nature, hiking or camping. Mother Nature has always treated me fairly and never judges me. I know she can cause suffering but she does it across the board. She doesn't choose to inflict harm on anyone based on race, beliefs, sexual orientation or gender identity. I may fear natural disasters from Mother Nature but I don't fear rejection from her.

A good, loving relationship is probably a very safe place. I don't have one of those right now though. Probably my fears holding me back ;)

Sunny
 
thank you all for your thoughtful input - am going to expand on this question w/another post
 
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