Please share your sexual success stories

[Strangeways]

As I have gone down the path of trying to heal, I find sex to be the largest stumbling block. And since I am married and would like to continue to be married to my wife, I approach the topic of healing with some urgency.

For awhile I was so messed up I couldn't have sex with her - for five entire years. This, of course, changed our entire sexual dynamic. I think she even started to hate me for awhile. I certainly hated myself.

*possible triggers this paragraph* But as I got deeper into trauma therapy and started dosing myself with cannabis, I found that I could have sex, after a fashion. I had to imagine the particulars of my abuse in order to get erect and orgasm, but I enjoyed the physical sensations, if not the mental requirements.

Now that I've stopped automatically imagining my abuse during sex, I find that I can ... just no longer have sex. Of any kind. Nothing works - I may mentally want to have sex, but my body simply refuses.

Has anyone succeeded in integrating their body and their mind enough to actually complete AND ENJOY the physical act of sex with another person? If so, please share your story with me. I am feeling lower than I have in years and I'm afraid that, considering my age and my issues, I'm not ever going to be able to have and enjoy ANY act of sex with my wife again. I'm even considering divorce or telling her to go find another sex partner, because I just can't see it ever happening again for me.

 

[Tom E.]

Unfortunately I learned early to be passive with men and women, letting them take control. I've been that way all my life. I look back with dissatisfaction over the course of my life, sad to say. I try to be more assertive, but very quickly it escalates into out of control anger & rage.

 

[betrayed boy]

hi, have you seen a dr. about this ?, it could be a physical issue and there's things you can do to get and maintain an erection, you ever try Viagra ? there's implants you can get in your penis you pump them up you have an erection then have sex then release the pressure you go soft again i'm not sure about what it all takes to do but its something to look into may save your marriage, good luck BB.

 

[Strangeways]

betrayed boy - I have accumulated a lot of Viagra, but have few chances to even try to use it.

At therapy today my therapist reminded me that there are two people in every relationship and that my wife could have helped to try to fix things sex-wise between us at any point in our marriage - but chose not to, so half the blame (where blame can be placed) should go onto her.

I can't tell you what a relief that was to hear and understand. I have been taking the full blame for our sex problems, and that's a problem of its own.

I'm still searching for a sex therapist for us, but ones who understand trauma are difficult to find.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Strangeways


I am sorry you are experiencing this as well. Thanks for the topic. good luck

Take Care
Esterio

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[EdfromNYC]

James

This is GREAT! Such progress, such detail, such self-awareness. And you provide hope and experience that there are women who like us as we are, for who we are and that our abuse pasts don't have to run our lives forever. You show that we can actually grow in our healing/recovery and become trusting and sexually intimate men within relationships.

I love reading your detail and your message of your own progress such as being able to stay erect and harder for longer and being able to stay present and her being aroused and you becoming more okay with it. Even the detail about her being on top and your own reaction. It's great to read a man who is putting into action new behaviors and a man who is trying new things and learning to trust and be okay with the past bleeding in sometimes and not shutting down completely or giving up.

This reads very real to me and I'm grateful that you share the details.

 

[Strangeways]

Thanks for posting James.

I wish I felt gratitude that you posted that, but instead I just feel jealousy. I don't think my own relationship could possibly match the joy you have.

Maybe that means it's time for me to leave it.

 

[JamesM]

D