please read only, no response
theo
Registrant
to all my brothers here,
i have been in a dark place for some time now. it has only been a few weeks, but that feels like so much longer. everyone here knows what that is like. i am reminded of the guided imagery that started my memory recall of all this abuse in november of '02. my therapist wanted to help me get in touch with my inner child and asked me to picture a young boy trying to reach up to turn on the light switch in the dark and that i come over and flip that switch for him. there is no way my therapist could have known what would happen, but instead of being comforted it ended up being my first flashback. that dark room where i slept as a child then woken in the night to something wrestling with me and i am panicking trying to find the light switch but i can't reach it. this past month has been one long search for that lightswitch and my panic is increasing with every breath. guys, i know that it takes time to respond to a post and that it takes over 24 hours at times to let other people really work into it if it is difficult or triggering....i knew this, but that dark place is so scary and i was flipping any switch that came to hand because the pdoc was just the straw on the proverbial camel's back. i wrote elsewhere in a pm the last few days that i couldn't take anymore shame right now. i felt ashamed for having had to leave the forum two weeks ago. i felt ashamed about my perceived childishness in the deletion of the post a few days ago. i felt ashamed that i had survived. these were the words that i shared in a pm. i was ashamed that i survived where others i have known did not. i feel shame, grief, darkness....and yet...
do you all remember the fad several years ago about the eyes/nose/fingers hanging over the edge of the top of a wall and the saying "kilroy was here"? i swear, it feels like i keep seeing God's nose hanging over the horizon looking at me letting me know he is here. a little tounge in cheek, but the feeling is just that...no matter how dark it gets for me i can still barely make out the distant horizon. i see it in the words of the survivors here who continue to reach out to me even though by everything i was taught i should have been left to the dust for my behavior and cowardice (the words of the ghosts that echo in my mind, so to speak). i see the horizon everytime lady theo looks at me with love and hope in her eyes, even though i should have been tossed as hopeless so long ago (yes, the ghosts again). the horizon draws me everytime.
my friends, i hear you. i am here.
i have been in a dark place for some time now. it has only been a few weeks, but that feels like so much longer. everyone here knows what that is like. i am reminded of the guided imagery that started my memory recall of all this abuse in november of '02. my therapist wanted to help me get in touch with my inner child and asked me to picture a young boy trying to reach up to turn on the light switch in the dark and that i come over and flip that switch for him. there is no way my therapist could have known what would happen, but instead of being comforted it ended up being my first flashback. that dark room where i slept as a child then woken in the night to something wrestling with me and i am panicking trying to find the light switch but i can't reach it. this past month has been one long search for that lightswitch and my panic is increasing with every breath. guys, i know that it takes time to respond to a post and that it takes over 24 hours at times to let other people really work into it if it is difficult or triggering....i knew this, but that dark place is so scary and i was flipping any switch that came to hand because the pdoc was just the straw on the proverbial camel's back. i wrote elsewhere in a pm the last few days that i couldn't take anymore shame right now. i felt ashamed for having had to leave the forum two weeks ago. i felt ashamed about my perceived childishness in the deletion of the post a few days ago. i felt ashamed that i had survived. these were the words that i shared in a pm. i was ashamed that i survived where others i have known did not. i feel shame, grief, darkness....and yet...
do you all remember the fad several years ago about the eyes/nose/fingers hanging over the edge of the top of a wall and the saying "kilroy was here"? i swear, it feels like i keep seeing God's nose hanging over the horizon looking at me letting me know he is here. a little tounge in cheek, but the feeling is just that...no matter how dark it gets for me i can still barely make out the distant horizon. i see it in the words of the survivors here who continue to reach out to me even though by everything i was taught i should have been left to the dust for my behavior and cowardice (the words of the ghosts that echo in my mind, so to speak). i see the horizon everytime lady theo looks at me with love and hope in her eyes, even though i should have been tossed as hopeless so long ago (yes, the ghosts again). the horizon draws me everytime.
my friends, i hear you. i am here.