PLEASE! pray for my family


cried quite a bit last night.
some party.
at least there were decent people there to comfort me.
my sister just went into the hospital.
her health took a sudden turn for the worse.
can't tell if there is a connection to our dead niece.

she is not talking to me much right now.
not answering or returning calls.
did not see her or any other person from my side of the family for weeks.
no sign of them during christmas or new year.

my beloved nephew, her son, who has never said a cross word to me or anyone, in fact he hardly speaks at all... me dear nephew, only 25 years old, was assaulted and hospitalized a few weeks ago. he has no memory of who did it, or why it happened. he was unconscious when they found him. total memory loss. he does not party. he does not drink. he works in an office as an insurance guy. someone attacked him and messed up his face. we don't know why????

obviously, my side of the family is FKDUP!

so i went to visit my wife's family for new years eve.

this is what greeted me there...
my brother-in-law was severely injured at work about a year ago, and while he was recovering, he developed a serious case of cancer. he has not been doing very well. i guess they have not been telling us the truth, because when i saw him yesterday (it has been about a month since i last saw him) he looked like he suddenly lost about 100 pounds. he could barely talk, and he was not able to stay conscious for more than about a half hour at a time. his mother has flown in from alberta to be with him. i have a bad feeling about this. we have been friends for around ten years. he is a great person and i do not want to see him or his wife suffer. they are not telling me if he is going to recover or die.
i suppose we are all hoping for the best, but it did not look good at all.

life is full of danger, death and damage.

how does one find joy, peace, love and truth in the midst of all this horror?


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hey victor I am so sorry for the losses you are facing I wish there was some explanation I could offer but you know I struggle with Gods ways though I believe with all I have. I found this story a bit ago and I think maybe it is all we can do.
Kent? I whispered into the dark, but my brother was already asleep. Just minutes ago we had raced downstairs, said our prayers, and hopped into bed. How could he fall asleep so fast?


Still nothing.

I squirmed down under my covers until my eyes barely peeped out above my cowboy blanket.

I glanced to the left. There was my favorite stuffed animal. It should have made me feel better. But my stomach flip-flopped inside of me. What if a tiger crept out of the laundry room next door?

I glanced to the right. There was the hat I got at an amusement park this summer. But my heart was thump-thumping. What if spiders attacked from under the porch?

I glanced up. Hanging from the ceiling were the model airplanes Dad and I had pieced together and painted so carefully. I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined them flying above me at night, warning me of danger.

My eyes popped open. I had an idea! On the dresser by my bed was a picture of Jesus that I had gotten in Primary. Slowly I reached out and propped up the picture. The light from our nightlight seemed to make the words at the bottom of the picture glow.

I am the way. Come and follow me.

I rolled onto my side so that I could see the picture and read those words again and again. I looked at Jesuss hands and thought about how He blessed little children. My stomach stopped flip-flopping. I looked at Jesuss feet and thought about how He went to find people who needed help. My heart stopped thump-thumping. I looked at Jesuss face and thought about how He knew my name.
Tigers and spiders faded from my mind as I snuggled into my blankets. Heavenly Father and Jesus loved me! I felt warm and peaceful and safe.

And very, very sleepy.


Victor- victim

I hope your prayers are answered. Im sorry you have so much turmoil right now. I will say a prayer for you.



it's funny.
so much of my ideas about god and images of jesus stem from pretrauma childhood memories.

back when i was still innocent.

i can actually remember being innocent, and it always has something to do with that safe and warm feeling you just described, newground.

it is usually associated with this image...

[font:Century Gothic]Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.
But Jesus said, "Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."
And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.[/font]


dear woodenshoes,

thank you so much for your prayers and kind words.

the turmoil exists, that is a fact, but it is not mine.
i do not have the turmoil.
my prayers are answered.
the turmoil cannot enter my soul.
my soul belongs to god.
my heart belongs to jesus.
my mind stays fixed on scripture.
my spirit comes from heaven.
my body is my temple.
my flesh is my tempter.

i rebuke the temptation to take ownership of the evil that surrounds me.

[font:Times New Roman]Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:
but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
He also shall be my salvation:
for an hypocrite shall not come before him.[/font]
Job 13

[font:Times New Roman]Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed,
and enlarge my coast,
and that thine hand might be with me,
and that thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me!
And God granted him that which he requested.[/font]
1 Chronicles 4

[font:Times New Roman]And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;
and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying,
neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.[/font]
Revelation 21

[font:Times New Roman]And it will be in the day when JHVH gives you rest from your pain and turmoil and harsh service in which you have been enslaved.[/font]
Isaiah 14

[font:Times New Roman]Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.[/font]
2 Corinthians 1


Victor I am very sorry to hear of all the troubles you are having from sickness to death to assault. No one should have to experience so mcuh pain at one time. You have experienced you own pain for a lifetime.

I hope you have suport and please make sure you are taking care of yourself. It is so important you focus on getting better and staying strong.

My prayers are with you and your family.



thank you so much, sorryson.
i will accept all the prayers you give on my behalf.
glory to god.

jesus promised in Matthew 18
"Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

things are bad all around me,
but i got good inside of me.

i always turn to the epistle of james.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. Let no man say when he is tempted, 'I am tempted of God' : for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: but every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.



just thinking of the little girl.
pray for the grandparents.
pray for the community.
pray for the mother.
pray for the father.
pray for my sister.
they need love.
i am doing ok.

i am more worried about everyone else.
the child is in god's hands, as are we all.

[font:Georgia]The disciples came to Jesus and asked, Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?
He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.[/font]


it just got real again.
i guess i was starting to get a little abstract about this tragedy.
maybe even thinking that i was dealing with it.
then suddenly...

a psychological assessment has just found the mother fit to stand trial.

the charge is second-degree murder.

an autopsy has already happened, but police have not yet released the details.

there is rumours within the family, but i will wait for the official word.

my only hope is there was little or no suffering before the death.

i don't even want to think about it.

talking about it here helps a little, because i can remove myself by one step, and examine it objectively, as i condense it into a message to my brothers.

thank you, guys, for letting me talk about this loathsome subject.
i am living in a state of surreal horror.
still cannot really connect emotionally.
i can't handle the pictures in the news.
it hurts instantly every time i see their faces.
happy family photos, smiling, hugging.
a beautiful little girl. gone.
it stabs like a knife, and i immediately look away.
the media is easy to avoid.
i never watch tv, and i do not read the papers.


thanks, traveler.
i am doing fine, so far.
please pray for the people in my family,
especially those who were close to the child.
all i can say, i am glad i did not get to know her very well.

i only met her a few times.
i am more worried about the people who are devastated by her death.
i am so desensitized by my life of violence and horror and abuse, that i am still not fully feeling this event.

only when i hear the pain in my sister's voice, does it begin to register that a tragedy has happened.
she loved that little girl.

[font:Georgia]"It is the honor of the murdered that he is not the murderer."
Kahlil Gibran[/font]


while we wait for the infinitely slow wheels of the justice machine to grind out some answers....

one part of our family has fallen apart.
i was always on the outside - one step removed - so this has not directly impacted me except for my my own feelings about what has happened to that poor child - we still do not know how the little girl was murdered and i don't really want to know. i will probably eventually have to hear the gory details when the truth comes out in the trial - if there is a truth ...

my sister is having a rough time.
the little girl's birthday just went by and it was a tragic day.
because her own daughter has a birthday around the same time and it was traditional to celebrate them together. that was an awkward and painful time for all of us. we ended up having no celebration for my niece, and i think that was wrong.

this group is blaming that group.
facebook hate wars have divided us into three camps.

two groups blame each other, and the group caught in the middle wants the anger and hate to stop, but when a little girl gets murdered, that is a big deal, and the emotions are hot.

there was a memorial service held and one part of the family thought they had the right to forbid and shame and blame other parts of the family not to attend. it was sad and i was upset, but how do you reason with grief of that magnitude?

i am mostly concerned about my sister. she is taking a lot of hate from certain relatives and she is nothing but full of love. some terrible things have been said about her and she is being vilified by some relatives through social media. people are being unfriended and blocked and trolled, etc. this is hitting her very hard and i have had many crying conversations with her, trying to comfort and support. it hurts me to hear the pain in her voice and see it in her eyes.

other than that, i had to listen to my mother explain who she hates and blames for the death of the child. this was an angry outburst that evolved into a very long and bitter monologue which took me some time to gracefully escape. there was no way to interrupt and i had to wait for her to run out of steam before i could find a pause long enough to make a quick exit from the telephone call.

other than that... no one is talking about it to me.

and i prefer it that way.


[img:right][/img]on the outside

on the inside


[img:right][/img] ((don64))

thanks for the kind words.

the current crisis is calm.

awkward bitter silence lingers.


[img:right][/img] much appreciation and gratitude, dear Bardo.
i do so want some large amounts of emotional support.
my present situation is an ongoing nightmare joke.
it is absurd, but i am not laughing, because I AM the punchline... getting punched in the face by fate - over and over again.

it is simply impossible - at this time - to find the "peace" and "room to breathe" that i so desperately need for healing right now.

not with this other serious problem going on!!!

it is a curse.