PLEASE HELP!!

PLEASE HELP!!

reesersgrl

Registrant
I am soooo in need of support and information right now. My 40 year old Fiance discovered about a year ago, that he was sexually abused as a 14 year old boy. He is suffering from a multitude of problems including, severe anxiety, panic disorder, ptsd,sexual issues, and I believe him to be biplar or borderline.He entered into a mentalhealth facility as an outpatient about 3 months ago and was prescribed an anti anxiety drug and also an antipsychotic. He seems to be getting worse! Mood swings and intrusive toughts are more intense and last for longer periods of time. He is angry and unreasonable. Currently is only seeing(a very great person) a CSW, no pdoc or any one to monitor his meds. I don't even know what to expect or what to lookout for. He leaves in the morning and doesn't come home until 1, 2 3 6 in the morning. He is now cutting himself. (not sure if this subject is permissible, but I HAVE TO TALK TO SOMEONE) THAT is also getting progressively worse. Please, is there anyone who can give me some advice or direction or even a comforting word?I feel like Im doing this all by myself. Thanks, Vicky
 
Vicki:
Is the therapist he is seeing aware of the med situation or the cutting? If not, it might be advisable to contact the therapist and share that info. He sounds pretty unstable now and may need to be hospitalized if he is a danger to himself. Has he come here for support or info? Is his therapist sufficiently experienced with male victimization issues?

Ken Singer
 
Hi Ken. Yes,his social worker is aware of both the cutting and the meds. She is a rape crisis counselor and a very good one at that. He trusts her explicitly and this is in itself a miracle. She only sees him once a week for about an hour or two, and although she is seeing the other sids of him, I still don'tthink she is quite getting it. I've called her on many ocassions, but think se is lso afraid to cross he line concerning his privacy. I definitely understand this, but I m also concerned for his safety. There are things that he simply doesn't make her aware of, for fear of being "put away".
 
reesersgrl,
Ken is the best person for you to talk with here when it comes to knowing how to handle a emergency situation. There is also the rape crisis center, suicide prevention, and the emegency room at your local hospital if things get to be too bad. Do not be afraid to use them. They are there to help.
 
Thanks. I am SOOO very glad that I've found this site. I have a feeling it's going to be very helpful to both myself and my Fiance.I won't ever give up on him.I want him to be able to depend on himself, but never to have to go thru this alone.
 
Universal Reactions to sexual assault / rape:
Emotional Shock: I feel numb. How can I be so calm? Why can't I cry?
Disbelief and/or Denial: Did it really happen? Why me? Maybe I just imagined it. It wasn't really rape.
Embarrassment: What will people think? I can't tell my family or friends.
Shame: I feel completely filthy, like there's something wrong with me. I can't get clean.
Guilt: I feel as if it's my fault, or I should've been able to stop it. If only I had...
Depression: How am I going to get through the semester? I'm so tired! I feel so hopeless. Maybe I'd be better off dead
Powerlessness: Will I ever feel in control again?
Disorientation: I don't even know what day it is, or what class I'm supposed to be in. I keep forgetting things.
Flashbacks: I'm still re-living the assault! I keep seeing that face and feeling like it's happening all over again.
Fear: I'm scared of everything. What if I have herpes or AIDS? I can't sleep because I'll have nightmares. I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid to be alone.
Anxiety: I'm having panic attacks. I can't breathe! I can't stop shaking. I feel overwhelmed.
Anger: I feel like killing the person who attacked me!
Physical Stress: My stomach (or head or back) aches all the time. I feel jittery and don't feel like eating.


Unique Issues Faced By Male Survivors
There is great societal denial of the fact that men get sexually assaulted. Chances are-- except for the occasional bad prison joke--most of us don't ever hear about the topic of male sexual assault. The need to deny the existence of male sexual assault is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimized, that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are truly a "real man." A closely related belief is that men can't be forced into sex-- either they want it or they don't.

These mistaken beliefs allow lots of men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual assault as something that only happens to women. Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain that is felt by a male survivor of sexual assault. These beliefs leave the male survivor feeling isolated, ashamed, and "less of a man."

No wonder so few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only 5 to 20% of all victims of sexual assault actually report the crime-- the percentage for male victims is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and self-blame leave many men suffering in silence after being sexually assaulted.

Below are some of the unique problems and concerns that male survivors may experience:

For most men the idea of being a victim is very hard to handle. We're raised to believe that a man should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should be willing to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self-respect. How many movies or TV shows have you seen in which the "manly" hero is prepared to fight a group of huge guys over an insult or name-calling? Surely, you're supposed to fight to the death over something like unwanted sexual advances...right? These beliefs about "manliness" and "masculinity" are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual assault.

Many male survivors may even question whether they deserved or somehow wanted to be sexually assaulted because, in their minds, they failed to defend themselves. Male survivors frequently see their assault as a loss of manhood and get disgusted with themselves for not "fighting back." These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them aren't necessarily true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive-- there's nothing unmasculine about that.

As a result of their guilt, shame and anger some men punish themselves by getting into self-destructive behavior after being sexually assaulted. For lots of men, this means increased alcohol or drug use. For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Many men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated. It's easy to see why male survivors of sexual assault are at increased risk for getting depressed, getting into trouble at work, getting physically hurt, or developing alcohol and drug problems.

Many male survivors also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually assaulted. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the assault, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time to get back to normal so don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.

For heterosexual men, sexual assault almost always causes some confusion or questioning about their sexuality. Since many people believe that only gay men are sexually assaulted, a heterosexual survivor may begin to believe that he must be gay or that he will become gay. Furthermore, perpetrators often accuse their victims of enjoying the sexual assault, leading some survivors to question their own experiences. In fact, being sexually assaulted has nothing to do with sexual orientation, past, present or future. People do not "become gay" as a result of being sexually assaulted.

For gay men, sexual assault can lead to feelings of self-blame and self-loathing attached to their sexuality. There is already enough homophobic sentiment in society to make many gay men suffer from internal conflicts about their sexuality. Being sexually assaulted may lead a gay man to believe he somehow "deserved it," that he was "paying the price" for his sexual orientation. Unfortunately, this self-blame can be reinforced by the ignorance or intolerance of others who blame the victim by suggesting that a gay victim somehow provoked the assault or was less harmed by it because he was gay. Gay men may also hesitate to report a sexual assault due to fears of blame, disbelief or intolerance by police or medical personnel. As a result gay men may be deprived of legal protections and necessary medical care following an assault.

Some sexual assaults of men are actually forms of gay-bashing, motivated by fear and hatred of homosexuality. In these cases, perpetrators may verbally abuse their victims and imply that the victim deserved to be sexually assaulted. It's important to remember that sexual assault is an act of violence, power and control and that no one deserves it.


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Getting Back On Track
It is important for you to know that your reactions are normal and temporary reactions to an abnormal event.

The fear and confusion will lessen with time, but the trauma may disrupt your life for awhile. You may experience any or all of the reactions on the last few pages. Some reactions may be triggered by people, places or things connected to the assault, while other reactions may seem to come from "out of the blue." Remember that no matter how much difficulty you're having dealing with the assault, it does not mean you're "going crazy" or becoming "mentally ill."

Talking about the assault will help you feel better, but may also be really hard to do. In fact, it's common to want to avoid conversations and situations that may remind you of the assault. You may have a sense of wanting to "get on with life" and "let the past be the past." This is a normal part of the recovery process and may last for weeks or months.

Eventually you will need to deal with your feelings in order to heal and regain a sense of control over your life. Talking with someone who can listen and understand -- whether it's a friend, family member, hotline counselor or therapist -- is a key part of this process.

It's important to understand that you may not be able to function at 100% capacity for a while following a major trauma like sexual assault. You may have problems concentrating or remembering things and may feel tired or edgy. You may also take longer to recover from everyday stresses, kinda like when you go back to work or school too early after having the flu. Don't be too hard on yourself -- you need time to recover emotionally and that may detract from your energy for awhile.


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Ways To Take Care of Yourself
Get support from friends and family-- try to identify people you trust to validate your feelings. Spend time with people who know your strengths and positive qualities. Try not to isolate yourself.
Talk about the assault and express feelings -- you can choose when, where, and with whom. You can also decide how much or how little to talk about.
Use stress reduction techniques -- hard exercise like walking, jogging, biking, swimming, weight-lifting; relaxation techniques like yoga, massage, music, prayer and/or meditation.
Maintain a balanced diet and sleep cycle and avoid overusing caffeine, sugar, nicotine, alcohol or other drugs.
Take "time outs." Give yourself permission to take quiet moments to reflect, relax and rejuvenate -- especially during times you feel stressed or unsafe.
Try reading. Reading can be a relaxing, healing activity. Try to find short periods of uninterrupted leisure reading time.
Consider writing or journaling as a way of expressing thoughts and feelings.
Release some of the hurt and anger in a healthy way: Write a letter about how you feel about what happened to you. Be as specific as you can. You also can draw pictures about the anger or hurt you feel as a way of releasing the emotional pain.
Remember you are safe, even if you don't feel it. The assault is over. It may take longer than you'd like, but you will feel better.
Get into counseling. The UT Counseling and Mental Health Center is here for you. You paid for your services when you paid tuition so take advantage of them. UT Telephone Counseling is also available if you'd prefer to remain anonymous or don't feel comfortable with coming into the Counseling Center. Safeplace, formerly known as Austin Rape Crisis Center, is also available for counseling and referral services.

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How Family & Friends Can Help
After a sexual assault, the victim needs to:

Get medical attention.
Feel safe.
Be believed.
Know it wasn't his fault.
Take control of his life.
Things you can do to help:

Listen, don't judge. Try to simply understand his feelings.
Offer shelter. If possible, stay with him at his place or let him stay at yours.
Be there and give comfort. He may need to talk a lot or at odd hours at the
beginning. Be there as much as you can and encourage him to talk to others.
Encourage him to seek professional help (See List of Resources at the end of
the brochure).
Be patient. Don't try to rush the healing process or quickly "make it better."
Accept his choice of what to do about the sexual assault -- don't be overly
protective. Ask him what he needs, help him list his options, then encourage
him to make his own decisions. Even if you disagree. It is very important
that he make his own decisions and have them respected.
Put aside your feelings and get support for yourself. It may be too overwhelming for him to deal with your angry feelings on top of his own. If you have strong angry feelings or feelings of blame toward the survivor, talk to a friend or call a hotline.
 
This is the list so far of physical ailments known to affect us


Ailments: Can manifest individually or in any combination or degree. Many of the things listed may apply to both physical and mental. Some of the ailments listed also cross over in other ways / categories.


Physical Ailments:

Allergies

Anxiety disorder; Panic Attacks / attacks

Chronic diarrhea

Constipation

Crohns

Degenerative Arthritis

Dental problems; Related to starvation as child (i.e. easily broken teeth, lack of dental hygiene while young), Temporal Mandibular Dysfunction Temporal headaches, bruxism ( pain in the Temporal Mandibular Joint largely due to some form of stress in the individuals life. - grinding of one's teeth )

Diabetes, Diabetes type 2

Fatigue; Fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue syndrome

Glandular problems; All types

Heart: Heart disease, Vascular Disease, Hypertension (high blood pressure), Peripheral artery disease, cerebral artery disease, death

Hypothermia; heat exhaustion

Migraines

Migranous Neuralgia ( aka Hortons neuralgia / cluster headaches / easter headaches)

Peptic Ulcers

Physical damage; permanent from physical / sexual abuse ( crushed testicles, scarring, etc ), Muscle & joint problems directly resulting from beatings as a child, Rectal and intestinal problems, SIS (Shaken Infant Syndrome), Spinal cord damage

Physical self-abuse; Self mutilation, cutting and burning etc.

Pulmonary disorders; Hyperventilating

Sexual Dysfunctions; Impotence etc.

Sexually transmitted diseases; A.I.D.S., Syphilis. Gonorrhea. Herpes, NGU. Staphylococcus Aurous, etc.

Sleep disorders; Apnea, Narcolepsy, Cataplexy (sleep disorder effected greatly by emotional state as well as physical), Restless Leg Syndrome (sleep disorder), Hypnogogic Hallucinations (related to sleep disorders)

TMD (can someone expand on this please?)


Mental Ailments:

Addictions: adrenaline, alcohol, caffeine, drugs, exercise, food, gambling, narcotics, pornography, prescribed medications, sex, sexual compulsions, tobacco, violence, work, etc.. Bicycle substance addiction / abuse (That is to say, you never stick with one substance; Cigarettes, drugs, sex, alcohol, etc.)

Bi-Polar Disorder (Manic / Depressant)

Depression; Minor / Major/ Severe Clinical Depression, suicide

Dissociations; All types including DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), feel less than human, feel super human, inability to feel physical stimulations or pain, isolation, dizziness and fainting

Eating disorders; All types including Anorexia, Bulimia

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder); Cleanliness (Hygiene, washing all or part of the body, extremely hot showers, etc.), Eating, Gambling, Spending money.

Manic behaviors

Paranoia; All types

Personality disorders; Passive / Aggressive personality, anti-social, hyper social

Phantom Pains

P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), CPTSD (COMPLEX PTSD)

Rape Trauma Syndrome

Somatization disorder

Schizophrenia; All Types


Physical ailments caused by muscle memory: I have heard of people having surgery on various parts of their body because their muscles were so tense and stressed that they physically distorted body parts, including the spine.


Chronic Stress;
Over time, chronic stress affects the cardiovascular system, the nervous system, and the immune system. For example, chronic stress can lead to high blood pressure and make you susceptible to infection and affect many diseases, such as depression, heart disease, and asthma. Chronic stress may also result in memory loss.
Long term effects of stress on the body: Chronic stress
Chronic stress can be the result of many instances of acute stress or a life condition, such as a difficult job situation or chronic disease. Over time, chronic stress can have an effect on:
Cardiovascular disease. Stress can lead to high blood pressure, abnormal heartbeat (arrhythmia), problems with blood clotting, and hardening of the arteries (atherosclerosis). It also affects coronary artery disease, heart attack, and heart failure.
Muscle pain. People with stress often have neck, shoulder, and low back pain. This may be due to constant tension in the muscle because of stress. Stress also affects rheumatoid arthritis.
Stomach and intestinal problems. Stress may be a factor in gastroesophageal reflux (GERD), peptic ulcer disease, and irritable bowel syndrome.
Reproductive organs. Stress can result in painful menstrual periods, decreased fertility, and erection problems.
The lungs. Stress can make symptoms of asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) worse.
The immune system. Stress changes the immune system. The body becomes more vulnerable to many illnesses, from colds and minor infections to major diseases such as cancer.
Stress also plays a role in depression and diabetes.


Universal Reactions to sexual assault / rape:
Emotional Shock: I feel numb. How can I be so calm? Why can't I cry?
Disbelief and/or Denial: Did it really happen? Why me? Maybe I just imagined it. It wasn't really rape.
Embarrassment: What will people think? I can't tell my family or friends.
Shame: I feel completely filthy, like there's something wrong with me. I can't get clean.
Guilt: I feel as if it's my fault, or I should've been able to stop it. If only I had...
Depression: How am I going to get through the semester? I'm so tired! I feel so hopeless. Maybe I'd be better off dead
Powerlessness: Will I ever feel in control again?
Disorientation: I don't even know what day it is, or what class I'm supposed to be in. I keep forgetting things.
Flashbacks: I'm still re-living the assault! I keep seeing that face and feeling like it's happening all over again.
Fear: I'm scared of everything. What if I have herpes or AIDS? I can't sleep because I'll have nightmares. I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid to be alone.
Anxiety: I'm having panic attacks. I can't breathe! I can't stop shaking. I feel overwhelmed.
Anger: I feel like killing the person who attacked me!
Physical Stress: My stomach (or head or back) aches all the time. I feel jittery and don't feel like eating.


CPTSD symptoms:

1) Alteration in regulation of afect (emotion) and impulses such as chronic affect dysregulation which means "your emotions have a life of their own."
2) Alterations in attention or consciousness like depersonalization and transient dissociative episodes aka "zoning out".
3) Somatization in which your body holds the
trauma, like chronic pain, digestive problems, cardiopulmonary problems, and conversion symptoms in which psychological problems get converted into physical symptoms.
4) Alterations in self-perception, like feeling you are permanently damaged & minimizing the importance of the traumatic events in your life.
5) Possible alterations in your perception of the perpetrator--idealizing, obsessing with hurting him/her/them, or adopt the distorted beliefs of the perp about yourself, others & what happened as true.
6) Alterations in relations with others: inability to trust, re-victimizing yourself, victimizing others.
7) Alterations in systems of meaning (how you see life, others & spirituality); i.e. hopelessness, despair, and loss of beliefs that previously sustained you.

"If you have experienced prolonged, repeated, extensive exposure to traumatic events, you may be suffering from a disorder that has not yet been
named in the DSM-IV..."

"Persons who may suffer from complex PTSD include prisoners of war, hostages who were held captive for long periods of time, concentration camp survivors, war zone survivors, cult survivors, battering victims, domestic violence survivors, sexual abuse survivors, and children who have suffered other types of trauma."

"You are more likely to experience symptoms of complex PTSD if your traumatization occurred early in your life, was prolonged, and was interpersonal."

(from the PTSD Workbook, pp 11-13).
 
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