Originally posted by Ken Singer, LCSW:
To add to Richard's last post about moving from victim to victimizer, there are four barriers to prevent one from becoming a sexual abuser (paraphrasing David Finkelhor of the U of New Hampshire, who put this model out 20 years ago).
The first barrier you need to get through is desire or motivation. If you have no desire to touch a child sexually, it is not likely that you will do so. If you do have the thoughts or desires to do so, then you need to depend on one of the following barriers to stop you.
The second barrier is the "inside cop" or conscience. If a person has a desire to molest a child, his inner voice will hopefully be strong enough to overcome the desire by saying, "I am not a child molester. I cannot touch that child because I would not want someone to do that to me. It would be wrong". Note that these prohibitions are coming from a sense of morality and empathy. There is no debate here about the legal consequences or fear of getting caught, etc.
The third barrier is the "external cop". This is the voice that is saying, "You will go to jail, lose your family, job, reputation, etc." It is the fear of consequences that keeps us from doing the behavior we may have desired and somehow rationalized as being ok (distorted thinking). While few people would shoplift something as a security guard was watching, no sexual abusers will abuse a child in front of witnesses who have the power to stop him. This barrier is where the abuser finds the place and has the opportunity to commit the offense.
The last barrier is victim resistance. If all the other barriers fail, the only thing that stands between the person and committing the crime is the victim's ability to resist (by screaming, running, fighting, etc.).
In my experience, the closer you are to the first barrier, the safer you are. While we all have desires or motivations to do things that could get us into legal trouble or hurt someone if we did it (rob a bank, punch out the lights of an annoying co-worker, grab the buttocks of an attractive woman passing by), it is usually the inner cop who says, "That wouldn't be right. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you") and keeps us in line.
Often it is the fear of consequences that prevents us from doing what is wrong or illegal. Think about driving over the speed limit. Whether we believe it is wrong or immoral or has the potential to hurt others by doing 15 mph over the limit, we would not likely do so when there is a cop driving behind us. If the coast looks clear ("All those cops are tied up at that accident I just passed, put the pedal to the metal.") we might rationalize that our odds are low on getting caught.
So, for the question about "what if I have thoughts to molest a child" , recognize that the thoughts are generally the toughest to control. However, you can increase the power of such thoughts by masturbating to them. That is why it is crucial that people not entertain fantasies that (if done in real life) would hurt someone or get one in legal trouble. This does not apply to fantasies of consensual sex with Britney Spears or pretending you are the sex slave for the pirate ship. But if you are fantasizing about having sex with the teenage babysitter, you are potentially playing with fire.
I didn't mean to go on so long but wanted to expand on Richard's observation.
Ken
