Hi Guize,
the last few posts have really struck a few chords with me. and I just wanted to share some of my own insights too --
LeeAnn
I have to admit, my first thought was to catch his attacker, Law & Order style, and make sure that someone so violent would be held responsible for their actions. But I would have no idea how to broach such a subject, or even go about doing so if it was something my boyfriend was interested in.
ME TOO! LeeAnn, I know my Hubby's abuser lives here in this area, and even know where the *sshole lives & works. Oh I can't begin to tell how many times I have thought about going after this *sshol NOT law & order style, but I know that when someone comes & mentions taking their vehicle to get work done at the place *sshole works the ONLY thing I can do is TELL them to AVOID that B*st*rd. (pre approved by hubby) - it does plenty of damage to the *ssholes pocketbook that way. I still on occassion if Hubby is in the "right space" get to talk about what I would do to this piece of sh*t if given the chance -- but Hubby & I know that his abuser SURELY must be living his own paranoia of getting caught etc -- what goes around will come around, we don't need to do anything to make his life miserable, his abuser is doing it to himself ---
dwf - thank you so much for being so strong in detailing what mentally & emotionally can & often happens when a survivor reveals. Your words are so wise and strong
That's why I always say and believe to be true, that the best thing anyone can do for someone in the distress caused by sexual abuse, the very best thing to do is to get some help, comfort and strength for YOURSELF, so that you don't have to come to your loved one and put him in a position where he feels like he's fucked up by telling you something that is too much for you to handle.
and this even more importantly for BOTH partners
We cannot share with our loved ones that which we do not have---it just doesn't work that way.
thank you for your honesty and strength in those words.
Welcome to Vintagefilmlover & to Lost Spark - I hope you both know that your input and questions are very welcome here. You're not alone, many of us are here to support your own journey's.
and Dave said
Disclosure is probably the most difficult thing we ever do, and we must trust someone before we can do it. I didn't recognise that I trusted my wife, but I obviously did. And more importantly she must have created that 'trusting environment' that I needed.
Neither of us knew it, we didn't plan it. But we both took advantage of it.
I think Dave that probably describes A LOT of what Hubby & myself did in our own marriage. Altho' Hubby & both had "revealed" our own abuse history as we knew it then, we went forward on that "wing & a prayer" - and I am finding out that far too often we took advantage of each other, probably not in the healthiest of ways, being both survivors - yet at the same time it worked "for awhile" for us. We "need it" to work that way for awhile until, life passages came & went & then we were "faced with just each other".
and Dave said -
We do find it difficult to talk to our partners, we don't want to upset you for a start, we're torn between trying to protect you from all the crap we have in our lives and trying to share it with someone we're slowly learning to love and trust.
I find this to be so very true in my own relationship with Hubby. I find myself trying to pre - read if it is ok to discuss certain subjects, not always neccessarily just about the SA, but just general life discussions that I "think" must be "normal" discussions in a healthy relationship. I too find myself "torn" in what is safe to discuss & what isnt. Recently it seems as if we are "apologizing" more & more for what has been years of a coping tool for us. A very morbid and sick sense of humor that pops out of our mouths when something is an atrocious or moronic topic that maybe "invades" our going about daily business & life. WHY? are we doing this now? I am not sure, I only know that I can assure Hubby that it is "still ok" to use that defensive tool if we do it. I know it comes from our "frozen anger" at the 'subject' that we cannot form enough words for, or have enough energy to express deeply & completely how disgusted we are with the subject - I dont personally want that part of our communication skills to change -- they come out in "blurts", and with an "understanding" that needs no further explanation. I am sure to some degree tho' it is our way of re-learning to "respect" each other & those who may be around us at the time. Those "blurted comments" do not offend me, but then again I too say them. Perhaps it is a way to try to hang on to my own "coping tool" ? Either way I dont want him to feel "guilty" for having a thought or a "burst" as we were forced for so many years to keep those thoughts inside. I dont want him to "regress" and if him changing that which I find natural is a regression, I would rather he "release" than stuff a maybe offensive burst out. It seems almost as if it is more of "our secret language" between us. And THAT has worked in the past - some things perhaps we need to "keep"?
Dave said
I can see now that I did actually have to learn to love my wife again, or at least love her in a different way than I had for the first 25 years.
I'm still learning, but it's our 31st anniversary on the 27th July so we must be doing something right between us?
WOW! learning to love her again, or at least in a different way! that is so strong and also so very heavy. That is what Hubby & I are having to do -- our goal I would suppose when we start "marriage counseling". I too have to "learn to love Hubby again, in a different way. I also have to "learn to trust him again" in a different way. That is where the FEAR comes in that in the "end" of marriage counseling comes in that he may decide that our "relationship" may not be good for either of us & then I must face ending the relationship, of course it could be ME making that decision also.
Yet I have Hope also, because WE too are going to be soon celebrating our anniversary on the 29th of July = 19 (?) yrs - i'm terrible in remembering dates & yrs so he could fool me easily
I didn't mean to "hijack" this thread, but didnt know how to move some of the quoting to start a new thread -- so deepest apologies to the "new" ones here.
Still waiting for October as he is in his final semester of school and is so overloaded with not just school, but the "inner turmoil" he faces with each potential "failure". Thanks to the B*sta*d's WHO **ked up his self worth. I have been trying like crazy to keep his "enviroment" as calm & stress free as possible. BUT I cant change his inner thought process, it's a bitch to live thru , but is always "worth it" when I see his shoulders relax & actually "hear him" breathing easier. PHYSICAL signs that he is coming down from the adrenaline & "box" he puts himself in when stressed out.
I know "I" will survive this, I just get plain scared that he is "doing more damage" than good to himself when his mode of operation to "self prove his ability & strength" is to constantly TEST himself.
It has taken me these past few weeks to realize WHY he has constantly been placing himself in high stress education stuff --- to PROVE he is NOT the "dumbass" that his abuser/s had told him for so long. It is the ONLY way he knows to prove to himself he is ISNT ANY of those things.
Peace, Sammy
I humbly thank you for your honesty and openess in sharing with us so much of yourself.