Please help me find the words

Please help me find the words
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Larry and others,
Thank you for your invaluable insight. I know I need to set some clear boundaries about respect, etc. I know that. Believe me, I especially know how important the fidelity boundary is. The thing I'm having problems with is putting it all into words. How to word it. How not to scare him off, how to be loving, how to be firm, etc. I thought about starting w/, "Do you want us to stay together as a family?" and go from there. Then to like, "We need to move forward then," and I'm pretty sure what to say about not tolerating infidelity because it totally disrespects me, but not sure what to say next, or even what to ask for besides fidelity - like whether to ask for general marriage counseling or specific therapy for him. Pretty sure the specific therapy for him is not a good one to ask for since, as Trish pointed out, he does not yet see the connection to his abuse causing his problems. That might just irritate him. Ok, so if I say we need to get marriage counseling then (and he's refused when I suggested it in June) and if he says no, what do I say then. I'm stuck because I don't want to give an ultimatum. So what then?

I feel like such a dummy. Usually I'm not so inarticulate. I still am going to ask my counselor's opinion of what to say when I see her Fri. But gosh I value you guys' insight so much and if any of you feel like writing a paragraph for me of what you think might be good to say, I'd sure welcome it!
 
Brokenhearted,

Let him be in charge of telling you what he wants. What do YOU want?

You say you don't want to give an ultimatum, but I'm sure there are some things that would actually cause you to separate from him-- there are some lines that he can't cross and still have you as his loving, supportive partner.

I would think about what those are, for you, and then just be honest with him about it.

For me, the biggest one was honesty. After I found out about my partner's acting out, I was just not willing to be in a relationship with someone who lied to me, or kept hurtful truths from me. I didn't tell him that to scare him or change him, it was just a fact that if he chose to keep being dishonest, I would choose to stop being with him.

I hope that helps.

SAR
 
It is, I am not such good with the English language. But, perhaps, to say 'We need to move forward', it is not proper phrase it? Because you was saying, this have to be not to make him on defense, and that only you can speak for yourself. Both you, will need to make it, the boundarys. So, perhaps, it is best only you do speak for yourself? The 'we', to me, I could see how it could be seen as 'oh, she already make the decision for me and I am leave out of it'. I again, I say, not so much I am in English, but when speaking to him, I think the 'plans' and 'needs' part of discussion maybe best be kept in 'I' instead of 'we', until he agree that yes, still there will be a 'we'. I am sorry, I know it, how I wish to say, but I think I do not make sense. Good luck.

VN
 
Brokenhearted,

honey you are NOT a dummy - !!

he's got you tied up in knots and you need to untie them, one at a time, slowly and with care until the string is free. then watch it dangle in the breeze, take a deep breath and look up and see the world through clearer eyes.

then ask yourself one question at a time - what do i want from him? this marriage? what's good for me? what's realistic and what's not? (not necessarily in that order)

the words will come, just listen, they are there already. try not to pressure yourself so much, you can do this, i know you can.

all the best,
indy
 
Brokenhearted,

I can see how this is tearing you up emotionally, and I can imagine that with things like this it's very difficult for you to find words to tell him how you feel.

But what he needs to hear is YOU. He needs not just to know, but to FEEL how all this is affecting you and what it's doing to the family. What he needs to hear are the words of his partner rather than a script.

I think SAR is right on the money when she says it's a matter of what YOU want. Well, and what you need too. Fidelity as non-negotiable as of now, and real progress on other issues.

But perhaps with all this you could add assurances of your love and understanding and your willingness to support and help him as he tries to make the right efforts. Things like his bad temper he won't cure in a day, after all. What you have to say might sound less adversarial if he hears concrete indications of your continuing feelings for him and willingness to help, along with clear insistence that things have to change.

But I really do think the message that he gets from you has to convey your feelings, and hence has to be in your words. He has to know how you feel as well as what you need. See what I mean?

Much love,
Larry
 
Borkenhearted,

I can honestly say I understand what you are going thru right now!! As I mentioned before my husband just moved out again this month. And just like you, he has been acting out seeing other people. It it so, so difficult for me because I do love him and care about him. But I agree with Larry and SAR, it has to be about you not him. It took me 5 long hard months to figure that out. I now realize that I can not fix him; make him go to therapy or take away the pain he is feeling. He has to be the one to take the first step to recovery. My therapist told me that he has made choices and he has to accept the consequences of those choices. And my husband is doing the same things your husband is; infidelity and lying. All I can do for him right now is be there for him. I am going on with my life and taking care of ME...I go to counseling, go to the gym, spend lots of time with family and friends and go to church. I would be lying to you if I said it was a cake walk at this point; it is still very, very hard for me. We do communicate, but I try to limit it to once or twice a week. I just take one day at a time.
I will be praying for you and your family.

Ginny
 
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