please forgive me

please forgive me
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
*****Trigger Warning **** Drug Usage

i need to ask everyone here to please forgive me.i now you don't hold things against people here but i feel that i have been taking up too much time and space here basicly just feeling sorry for myself . wanting someone to say oh how terrible your life has been ,yet doing nothing to try to use the advice i get ,if i continue this way it is never going to help me and it is not fair to all of you ,for once i think someone needs to say ,hey adam just get over it!if i can't help myself then how can anyone ever help me? the first time it all gets too much i revert back to my defense from the foster care days ,get high ,get in trouble and maybe they will kick me out . all of you have been so good to me and for me yet i do nothing to get better,and i can give nothing back in return for your kindness. i feel i have let you down by hiding behind walls that only keep me isolated and alone . last night i sat down with my crutch ,a little bottle of powder with the power to make it all go away ,maybe forever . just one little snort and oblivion ,but that takes too long so i got my works out cooked up a load and fired it into my arm . ah yes here it comes just gonna ride it baby flying high again . then i started to wonder ,just how much did i do ? maybe too much ?ok do i even care? yes i care ,i care about the people here who have spent their time trying to help me ,what the hell am i doing ? i felt an urge too strong to deny ,i needed to run ,just run ,so out the door i go i am running down the drive into the fields ,running just running not thinking just running ,it is cold ,it is snowing ,temp.is 9 degrees ,maybe if i run far enough i can leave my life behind ,leave the pain and shame i feel bad for letting everyone down,including myself.by now the meth is pumping full force halfway between heaven and hell someone put up a barbed wire fence ,ok not running anymore,face down in the snow.maybe i'll just not get back up,let the cold do the rest,maybe it was the drug,maybe my mind just broke ,but i hear a voice ,a kids voice ,he says adam ? like a question. i tell him to go away ,he tells me he can't go away that he has to go wherever i go he asks me if we are going to die ,i tell him i don't know about you kid but i think maybe i am ,he says then he will die with me ,i tell him to go he is not part of this ,he says he is part of this and don't i know that he has been with me forever ?so i ask who the hell are you ,he says i am adam ,what the hell ,he is not adam i am!i tell him you don't know me and you better go back where you came from ,he says i know you ,i know everything about you ,i know how you feel inside ,i know you blame yourself for everything ,i know you hate yourself ,but you weren't there you could not have saved me ,but right now you are the only one who can save us both.he says he loves me i tell him he is crazy i'm nothing but a weak scared kid like him ,he tells me he is scared but not weak ,he tells me the only thing he is afraid of is me ,he is afraid i will just give up after all he did to keep us alive .but he says if i want to die then he will die with me because he loves me that much,i tell him no you can't love me i'm not worth it i'll never be strong like he is,that i can't fight like he did he says he has been waiting so long for me to find him and now all i want to do is die? he says that i am ashamed of him ,ashamed of what he did to keep us alive,he wishes he had died so i wouldn't be ashamed of him ,i tell him no !don't ever say that ,i am not ashamed of him ,he is my hero .he was so strong i am the weak one he says together we can make it if i will only take his hand he will help me .i raised my head up and he is there ,holding his hand out to me .i know he is not real it is the drug ,but i reach for his hand and i am filled with such warmth ,is this love? is this what it feels like ?is this little kid really me, is he telling me it is ok? how could he still love me after i screwed up what he fought so hard for? he looks at me and says man your a mess ,i have to laugh here i am standing in a cornfield soaking wet freezing ,yeah i am a mess. as i am walking he says he is tired could i carry him ? he climbs onto my back and off we go ,i am crying now asking him to forgive me for not saving him ,for letting him hide inside with all the pain for so long ,i tell him he don't have to hide anymore ,that i will carry him and i can't exoect him to carry me anymore ,he says it feels good to be with me but we can't do it alone ,i need help i need to let him talk to someone who knows how to help us . as i walked i felt his weight becomming lighter and lighter as i got close to the house he is sleeping with his arms around my neck ,he hasn't slept in ten years ,i know that he feels safe now and so do i . somewhere in that snowy cornfield i found what was missing in me i accepted him and he accepted me like two old friends . as i lay him down on my bed and covered him he just vanished,but he is not gone i will never let him go ,it is time for him to rest ,it is time for me to grow up enough to ask for help . maybe i needed to stand on the edge to find out i really don't want to jump ,how many times is that little boy going to have to save me? he has done it twice now it is time for me to be the person he thinks i am .i am calling today ,i will find a therapist and i will be strong enough to do whatever it takes to talk to them ,no more drugs ,no more feeling sorry for myself ,no more saying adam your life has been so terrible ,why not just wallow in self pity or drug out till you die . i owe him so much more than that .this time i won't let him down i am going to throw the abuse mantel that i have been carrying down ,i won't use my past as an excuse to fail ever again ,i won't drive away people who try to help me ,i won't take the easy way out by saying gee after what happened to me i have a right to fail . sometimes i think it is good to be told either you will recover or you will just waste your time feeling sorry for yourself and not live life at all .i know this is just drug induced bullshit but it gave me what i needed a swift kick in the ass to get me moving ,if you hear me posting here about how terrible my life has been ,feeling sorry for myself please feel free to tell me hey just get over it ok? all i want to do now is use what happened to me as a way to educate others and maybe someday help somebody who is where i am now .we all have so much to offer maybe sometims we just don't see that . i know i can't change my world overnight but i am going to try to be alive again to be more than what happened to me ,my abuse is no excuse to feel sorry for myself and it took a little boy to show me that .adam
 
Shadow,

Well, I once again am proud of you and Little Adam.

You've said a lot in that post. All of us had ways of anesthetizing our pain. Mine was forgetting the past and acting out in various ways. Anger was a big part of it too. Yours has been chemical dependency. I'm proud of you for recognizing that you need help in dealing with these issues, and urge you to seek that help today, like you expressed you wanted to.

Little Adam has asked you to take care of him and help him. I want you to do the same, Adam. For you. You deserve so much more than what life has given you. It is in your hands to take those steps for you and Little Adam. Don't fail him now. He's brought you so far and been such a courageous little guy. Show him your courage too, like you've shown it to us and to your seemingly uncaring family.

Love you Bro,

John
 
Adam,

This has been a crucial moment for you and I'm so glad you came through it the way you did. There's so much in your post, but can I make just a few short points?

You have been here less than a month bro, and no, you have not been taking up too much time and space. You have said what you needed to say, and you have said it in the way you felt it. That is what you had to do. That is what was and will remain the best thing for you. That's the way it is for all of us. That is what we do, that is what we need to do, and that is why we are here. You are using the DB to deal with your issues and raise your questions and fears, and we all accept you and respect you. Don't worry about allowing your emotions to show; we all have a lot to be emotional about.

You have made the right decision in determining to get into therapy and give up drugs. But remember that just as your problems were not created in a day, the solution won't be achieved in a day. There will be rough times and challenges to your will and courage. Don't expect to get it right all the time. Life isn't like that. Little Adam needs to see that you acknowledge him, care about him and want to keep him safe. But he doesn't expect you to be perfect.

I have said this many times but maybe it bears repeating here for you. Recovery from sexual abuse isn't so much a goal as a path, a way of thinking about things. The path takes you through learning the complexities of abuse, acknowledging where your problems lie, discovering what you need to do, finding a realistic pace for moving forward, identifying old habits you need to change, and so on.

You are fighting your way onto the path bro, and we will give you whatever support we can to help you stay there.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam,

I must tell you, as I was driving to work this morning at about 6 am, I saw myself sitting at my computer looking for posts from you and there were none. And there never were anymore posts from shadowkid.

All day at work you were very much in my thoughts and prayers. And as soon as I got home, I checked to see if you were here. Sounds like it was kind of a close one.

I am so glad to here that you have decided to do whatever it takes to get the help you need. You can do this, I know you can. Hang in there and keep us posted.

You are loved very much

Darrel
 
well done adam

mgb
 
Keep the faith, Adam. I am inspired by your story.
You are very powerful, and have all you need to
take this path of healing.
Peace-
 
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