Please anyone post - looks like divorce is here

Please anyone post - looks like divorce is here
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
I've been away. I went home and told my family everything. Mostly what they remember is that my husband has cheated on me many times and has a strange detachment that frightens me.

So they encourage me to divorce. I started wondering if I can ever trust my husband again, EVEN IF he were to repent and ask for my forgiveness. He said, "I don't want you to forgive me. Why do you want to be w/ me? I'm a liar and a cheater. You deserve way better." He doesn't even ask for me to stay w/ him. I got a contract w/ an attorney who is just waiting on my go-ahead to file.

BUT at the same time.....I am crushed. We had 14 yrs together. All would have been fine if he hadn't cheated - or felt that he needed to to prove his masculinity.

I told him I've spoken to an attorney. It seemed to wake him up a little. He cried and said if I leave, "that will be the end." I asked him if he would see my counselor, that it might save his life. I said, just go w/ me one time. He left the room, but on his way out, said, "By myself." He now has an appt for Wed. 12/27 3:00.

I asked if he loved me, he said "I don't know what to call it."

Perhaps this is hopeless. Perhaps I should get out now while I am not a very old lady. There are concerns - like how I'm going to support my daughter and me, where a safe childcare place for her is. He'll have to pay child support, if he can hold his job through all of this stress. I have to be prepared for him not to be able to help financially. He's still in denial. Every minute I am imagining us selling all the contents of our home, and the house, so I can find a small place to live by myself, with my daughter, and what kind of work will I do, etc. He seems unaware of it mostly, he just made the comment a minute ago that we might have to have 2 Christmas trees next yr because we have so many ornaments. He just does not get it. I let his comment go - I'm too exhausted to explain again.

If only he would ask me to stay, tell me he loves me, that he is sorry for cheating, that he wants to stop and be a better man for me, etc. But, no, nothing. I am thrilled he will see my counselor Wed. But what if he only goes one time. What if he doesn't want to do the work involved later on after he admits to her he was csa and asks for help. What if, by going to her, his PTSD comes on strong, w/ anger outbursts and all that, with admitting the csa really did happen, what if I can't handle being around it, what will happen to him if we divorce? I am so worried about how I'm going to make a new life w/ our daughter, and also worried about HIM, HIS future, his well-being.

Yes, I'm writing this on Christmas Day. It's been a quiet one around here. We usually travel to my family's but not this yr. This yr is very quiet, just us and our daughter, at home. And me, feeling all the sadness in the world, and him numb and in denial but still very detached from me. Me trying a little too hard to make it a happy day for our daughter.

I welcome any suggestions or advice, or encouragement. I feel like I need everyone's perspective in the world in making the decision to divorce or not, or now or later, or whatever. I am crushed inside.
 
Dear BH,
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult stretch.
I can appreciate how distraught you feel, and how anxious you are about what to do next.
But I fully second Selene's comments about according this news from your husband a great deal of weight, and to consider this a stress on a par with other huge losses--and for taking things very, very slowly.
Of course, you're the only one who can figure all of this out and who can decide what you can tolerate. We have seen a certain amount of reactivity from you, however, in terms of what you can accept, that appears to come more from you than from what your husband does or doesn't do. As one who has been through many a trying Christmas, I will also remind you that this is the absolute worst time of year in terms of accepting people for who we are instead of who we all wish we could be. There is no family without loss, pain, mourning, and all the associated emotions (fear and anger in particular) and it's almost a certainty that this time of year will push every Christian's buttons about the huge gap between our real family lives and our fantasies.
I will ask you, also: Why the rush, now? Because you went home to mom and dad and didn't get much support?
What is in it, from your family's point of view, for you to stay in (or to leave) your marriage? You have made some remarks earlier that have suggested to me--and I apologize if I am reading in too much--that your upbringing was heavy on the judgmental side, and that there wasn't a whole lot of sympathy or tolerance for people's troubles and failings. Extended families also have their own agendas to bring to bear, and even though you're grown and gone they do have a vested interest in continuing to believe, and having you continue to believe, that they way they live and think is perfectly OK.
I haven't seen the book Selene recommends, but I will pick it up when I have the chance. Ill lay odds now that Ill see a fair amount of myself in that rescuer profile tooafter all, look at me posting friendly advice to folks on this site;)
Meanwhile, BH, try to take a deep breath and center yourself, try to back off on resolving everything this week, and see if you can find the fortitude to be patient with your husband's process. One day, one hour, one moment at a time....
Good luck. And Merry Christmas!
HG
 
BH,

It really sounds to me as if your hubby is in that place where he's so filled with self-loathing that he figures he deserves nothing good out of life.

I tend to think that professional intervention is the only thing that will help and he has to want it bad enough to do the hard work. That may be a tough row to hoe.

It also seems as if he's trying to hold you hostage by saying "that will be the end." By doing so he's trying to make you responsible for any actions he may take.

selene has some good advise on waiting a while, but ultimately, you need to take care of yourself and your daughter.

I wish you good things and hope this works out with your family intact and your hubby in therapy and working on recovery.

Lots of love,

John
 
No one deserves to be cheated on, especially if they're married. I hope you have the support of your family (or his?) or your church or whatever you can get it from if you divorce him.

CSA is no excuse to dishonor an important vow such as marriage, especially when there is a kid involved. There are some things you simply can't do. You CAN be difficult, you CAN have poor health, you CAN have financial problems, you CAN have all sorts of problems, but being prone to cheating is not an option.

I'm so sorry.
 
My latest fear is losing our daughter to the state - why? B/c if he loses his job, he can't provide child support and there is no alimony in our state (tx). I will have to be sure I can support my daughter and me on whatever minimum wage stuff I can find, and provide childcare for her also and everything. I have no relatives who can help at all financially too. My counselor told me if he loses me and daughter (divorce), he WILL lose his job b/c his csa will come crashing down on him and he will not be able to cope alone. The money we've put aside every month for our daughter's college will likely stop also, so she will lose that also b/c there's no way I can keep up those payments on my own.

Further, there are many rumors in town that he is cheating NOW with a coworker. I am waiting till after his appt with my counselor tomorrow to confront him - I am hurt beyond belief that this may be true - he can't have sex w/ me for 6 mos. and I've been understanding....I don't know what to do, guys. Later on this wk or next wk when I confront him, I am going to yell, scream, etc. I'm trying to wait till our daughter is back in school. I have to much to say to him.

Can you see my terrible place I'm at? This is a nightmare beyond belief.
 
Dear BH:

Can you just step back and take some solid breaths for a few days?

It seems very positive that your H agreed to see a counselor. I know the tendency is to believe that it's a little too little; a little too late...but in this situation, patience is needed.

Therapists know how to weed through the issues. Try not to listen to anyone but yourself in this. Follow your instincts. You may not trust your husband right now...you may never trust him again...but what if he's willing to work on being a better person? If you call it quits right now, will you wonder for the rest of your life, "what if?"

Just after my H disclosed, he offered that if I wanted I could speak with my older sister for support. (He trusts her.) The thing of it was, I wanted to process on my own terms and use my own instincts. My H took this to mean that I was ashamed of him and his past. This was very far from the truth. I believe we are influenced by family and most family members have difficulty opening their minds to anything other than their preconceived notions of what the world ought to be. My question to you is what do YOU think? What is your gut telling you?

Divorce has nothing to do with anyone other than YOU, your husband and your child. Staying in your marriage, moving on...it is all entirely YOUR life.

Now comes the question only you can answer... what is in YOUR heart?

best wishes,
s-n-s
 
BH
Hauser and John are right about everything. What i see from your post is that you have alot of worry about, what if? Today is all you have. Today is all any of us have. Here is a quote that might help.
" fear and anxiety comes from obsessing over the future and guilt and shame come from obsessing over the past" Berry Neil Kaufman
So many things can change day to day. When the time comes for you to make a serious move in one way or the other, the path will be lit for you, your answers will come, and so will your guidance. But worring about it dosen't do anything but waiste precious energy. GIve it up to the guy in the sky. Things will work out for the higher good of all, have faith. light and luv, sis
 
Dear BH:
I was probably composing my reply just as you were posting...

I can feel the weight of your troubles. Just so you know, you have my support at most.

best wishes,
s-n-s
 
Thank you all, I am on my knees to God - I guess we never realize He is all we need till we realize He is all we have.

What is in my heart....I love my husband. I really want him to get better and find God and get a moral compass and accept the blessings in his life instead of sabatoging himself constantly. Are these things even possible? How long should I wait?

But maybe I'm loving him more than I love myself if I allow him to cheat and stay with him.

My HEART is compassionate - I have Jesus in it and that is the reason I am able to still love him, Jesus separates the sin from the person. My husband sees himself only as "his behavior" so he does not separate the two out.

I don't want to rush. But I am just in a hard place. I am 41. I don't want to grow old alone. My husband is just a piece of furniture at home, he offers no warmth, no hugs, nothing. It is hard living with a statue. I don't know the extent of his mental problems from his csa, don't know if he'll be able to recover much. Or how long it could take, or even IF he'll work on it at all.

Thank you all for your hope. I usually am very hopeful. My heart has been smashed more times than I can count. I believe God can heal our marriage, infidelity and all, but that will come MUCH later, later after HE is healed enough to work on something besides himself.

What if he gets ugly with me, what if the longer I wait, the more he starts to process what he could lose and begins to sabatoge me by whatever way he can....destroying our things or making the finances come out more in his favor than mine...I have no idea what he's capable of....the extent of his mental problems....I am just worrying myself sick and I know it.

I am trying to just have an HOUR of peace, playing with my daughter, but my head is so scattered and distracted constantly. When I read the Bible or pray, I do feel peace somewhat, so I will do that more. Yesterday while he took our daughter to a movie I prayed to God and loudly discussed with Him and pleaded and cried, and it felt good, and I felt like I had some peace after that.
 
I am breathing deeply for you!! I can't advise because my true belief is that you have everything you need within yourself to make these choices. You do!! Your mind is spinning...find somewhere quiet..maybe an actual quiet place, but more importantly...find a quiet place in your mind. It sounds like you dumped your bucket of energy meant for YOU...into him...the panic may be that he has a seriously leaky bucket and you have just poured all you have out...you are exhausted and he is standing in a pool of your energy, but exhibits none of the benefit of what you may perceive as your "sacrifice". It is a cycle I have been whipped in many times, but it doesn't work very well. There is no fair prediction of outcome here, but I do believe that positive outcomes do follow healthy behavior. My partner and I have broken up 4 times (anytime he quit therapy or regressed to a non-functional place...I held my boundaries)and are getting married this Spring. Forget the promise of a good outcome and MAKE the outcome for yourself a good one. Be wary of expectations for much of anything. I have cried, thrown up, pulled my hair out and screamed at God many times for not showing me the light...the light is in you...it seems dim right now, but it will grow brighter as you feed your soul. I think, however, you have to do it...let the feeding begin! What could be lost? Is it possible that the panic is that you don't feel you have the skills to care for you? Do you know how to put yourself first? I have always said that if I had 2 lives...I would be more than happy to give one to someone else, but I don't. Are you living the life you always dreamed you would be living? Do you have a friend you could just hang with right now? Just be with...no big issues to solve or discuss...just play a game. Take a few steps in a different direction and know we are all holding your hand a bit!!
 
Compassion,
I have never read any of your posts before but this was filled with such truth. I am a total believer in energy and what it is capable of building or distroying, How precious it is and should be fed through spirit. We can also get depleted of that energy when we take on too much and forget that we must re-charge our energy through meditation and prayer and stay away from the energy takers. Concentrate your energy on building up your own reserve. Take care of you. light and luv, sis
 
Brokenhearted,

I have stayed away from posting here for a while. I had to divorce my exwife a year ago over her habitual infidelities. I loved her and, though it's not the same as it was, I still love her. But she needs help that I can't give her, and she refused to take it when the choice came. We had been in marriage counseling after the first time I confirmed one of her affairs.

It doesn't have to be like this. People do overcome infidelity and go on to have strong, healthy marriages. I met many folks who were trying to save their marriages, as I was, over at divorcebusting.com and some of them have succeeded. I heard from two women this week who have reconciled after infidelity by their men. It is possible. It does happen. It isn't easy, but nobody on this site is accustomed to having things easy, as you know.

If your husband will not change, you may have to face how long you can live this way, or if you can. I was the one who pleaded to get us into marriage counseling back in 2002, and I was the one who filed for the divorce a year and half ago.

I hope the session with your counselor is the first step towards change in him that will bring the two of you closer together.

I'm praying for all three of you.

Joe
 
Thanks everybody for your insightful words. MY HUSBAND WILL HEAR ME, MY ANGER, ETC., VERY, VERY SOON. I am not going to stand for his cheating. I do believe God can heal any situation, He created the universe. I have been very gentle with my husband because I wanted to demonstrate unconditional love to him. But soon he will hear it all from me, my anger. He will be required to do many things if he wants to stay together as a family. First he will stop cheating. Second he will commit to counseling regularly. Third he will get his head out of his butt and attend church again as a family and get reconnected to society alongside me. Fourth he will repent of his cheating and will have to beg my forgiveness. And lastly, he will have to face my family who know of his cheating on me, and make it right with them.

This is a very tall order for the man he now is, weak, self-sabatoging, etc. But I will not relent. I will fight for this marriage but if he does not want it, then I'm better off without him.

I am totally relying on God in this. He can change my husband's heart. He can use His power to heal or change anyone. At the end of the day, marriage or no marriage, God is all we have. I pray He will choose to bless us with a new year full of healthy growth that in turn will lead to a healthy marriage.

I am not a wimp even though I have been wimpy for 6 months now. Only to show my husband unconditional love. But soon, like probably by next week, he will get to hear my anger. I hope to God our daughter is in school the day I get to say all I need to say to him. I need to get him home alone with me, without her around. I will break furniture if I need to , to make myself heard.

For 6 months I have prayed my husband will go see my counselor, and he is going today at 3:00 , in just 30 min. So that alone is a huge miracle. May it be a good appt that validates and empowers him so he will return again.

He has a lot of growing up to do. I feel like someone, maybe me, needs to kick some sense into him. He can go through life as a sorry weak person he has been and stay isolated and sick, or he can choose to be part of society and become strong and defend the little kid he was and have a life with a loving family. It's a choice and he is in control of making it.

HE WILL HEAR ME. It's not over yet.
 
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