playing 'games'

playing 'games'
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beccy

Registrant
Hi everyone,

just wondering if anyone can offer any advice about survivors who seem to play emotional 'games'....

I feel there's been a number of occasions now when my bf has kind of 'pushed' us into an argument, making out it was me who was being unreasonable in the first place. I now realise this has gone on all through our relationship. It used to make me very confused and desperate. I now feel that for years I put up with less than what you could call a relationship. (I know that says a lot about me) I always thought things were my fault and that maybe I was just too demanding.

Well, now I'm noticing it clearly all the time. It still totally confuses me and it's very disorienting. He doesn't really see me for who i am and clearly never has.

Last night he was so hostile, I suddenly thought, ''this is s**t''. I pointed out that yet again he's treating me like I'm unreasonable just for wanting ANY kind of communication. I'm not insisting he pours his heart out to me, just keeps me posted on where he's at. Even if that's, ''I'm figuring some stuff out now, lets talk tomorrow/another time''. I'm so sick of being treated with total hostility left right and centre.

To me it seems that even the most basic communications/respect/consideration are missing.

Anyway, it didn't seem to do any harm when I pulled away. I expressed my feelings and then he talked about an issue which he'd clearly been wanting to talk about in the first place. Then it was 3am! We have to up early with the kids and it's all getting too much.

I'm getting tired of these emotional games. Feel manipulated. Someimes it feels like having a relationship with a child. I keep feeling like I'm neither smart nor strong enough to be in this relationship. I don't share these feelings with bf by the way, i just vent them here.

any advice anyone?

peace
Beccy
 
Hi Beccy,

Thank you for your other posts in response to me. It seems we share a lot of similarities.
Driving home from the mountains last night, I was reflecting on my partner's habits in our relationship. I was thinking about how his pattern of behavior probably resembles the "relationship" (and I put that in quotes because I know it was no relationship in any real way, I just don't know what is the appropriate term to use) pattern that his abuser demonstrated to him. Mind games, no boundaries, long absences and sudden appearances that led to "special" treatment. I am guessing here, but my husband's abuse began at age three and always occurred in his own home, always around holidays, birthdays, special times . . . It is no wonder that he has developed a form of relationship that unknowingly mimics what he learned.

As an abuse survivor myself, I learned that I was to blame for other's poor treatment of me.

So, my husband and I "fit" perfectly in our dysfunction.

My heart rests in the faith that we will also "fit" perfectly in harmony, if we ever get there.

My husband plays a lot of emotional games and doesn't realize he is doing so. He also doesn't know how to ask for anything that he really wants. He cannot reveal/risk himself, so he manipulates.

Something else that a male survivor wrote in a post was familiar to me. He wrote about his need to psychologically dominate other men. That is a familiar to me, as I have seen that in my husband.

It is very, very, very, very difficult to believe that by disengaging in the relationship I will improve it and help the relationship to grow. But that's all I can do. I cannot help my husband to grow. He has to do that.

Just more "poured out" thoughts.

Cecilia
 
Thanks for that reply Cecilia,

I'm so sorry you've had to make that decision. But well done for taking good care of firstly yourself and then your children. Sending loads of hope to you; That it clearly demonstrates to your husband the considerate way you expect to be treated. Therefore an example of a more healthy relationship. If his heart tells him he has to be with you, then maybe he'll treat you with more respect.

I think you're really brave.

much peace to you,

Beccy
 
Well, I said to bf last night, that I felt it was unfair the way he manipulated me the other night. I said he made an assumtion about something he thought I wanted(even though previously I had already clearly stated the opposite) and created a hostile situation/argument because of this, which then kept us up till 3 am.

It is things like this which make it so hard to believe he actually wants a relationship with me. I am trying so hard to be kind, considerate and caring while at the same time being as clear as possible about boundaries....but he keeps breaking boundaries and treating me like someone I'm not.

I said, if you want to talk about something which is bothering you, I would prefer we can talk about it in a honest way, eg, ''this whole issue of triggers is stressing me out. Something I need is that once I've let you know I'm triggered, to work through it on my own. I've been worrying that you want me to share all the details, so I need to talk about this with you.''

He did seem to take this well and agreed it was unfair to be hostile/make agruments based on assumptions.

I realise these things are mostly to do with his history, although some of them will also be based on some of our past. But, I knew nothing of his history then, and like I keep saying, we BOTH have had some unhealthy relationship behaviours. I'm trying so hard to treat him with respect, but I'm having to fight for any respect from him. I suppose it may be like that for some time, while he relearns what a healthy adult relationship should be.

Having said all that, we're still a world away from where we used to be.....I'll keep reminding myself of that. I suppose we should really be congratulating ourselves on just how far we've come already. :)

peace everyone,
Beccy
 
Beccy,

I just read the first few lines of your post and I can say unequvoxally "YES" - this is common. It is emotional abuse and it is a tactic. He is doing this (unconsciously) for many reasons- the bottom line of it being is that it prevents any real intimacy and it makes you responsible for EVERYTHING.

Many survivors have something which has come to be called Borderline Personality Disorder - you can read about it at www.bpdcentral.com

You can read many gpood resoureces and the pont of view of the borderline at www.bpdrecovery.com

You can also find some resources and support at www.drirene.com

He is putting you in "no wins"

My advice is to remind you that you did not cause it and you can not cure it. There is nothing you can do about this and it is NOT NOT NOT a "communication problem". It is soley roted in your BF's emotional problems. You can unserstand and you can read, but HE has to want to change. HE has to want to find recovery. he likely does not know why all of his relationships are bad. he likely has no idea what is wrong with his communication specifically. He just knows that he feels like an animal in a cage. That is what you are starting to feel like no doubt? responsible for eveything, Jumping through hoops to meet ever changing and unstated expectations, trying to meet every need of his (Ones that there is no way you could meet) and feeling blamed for everything.

The only thing you can do is to disengage. When he gets like that you can onlt assert the boundary.

"I love you. I see you are upset. I will not tolerate X. If you X I am going to leave the room for 10 minutes and then come back. It hurts my self esteem when you X." And DO IT. NEVER make an empty threat with a survivor no matter how nadly they fall apart or rage. NEVER leave something open ended as a threat - "I am leaving" - ALWAYS state the consequence for the behavior and come back, or start talking again at the exact time you said you would. Put it back on them "when you do, I feel". Always put the responsibilty for their feelings back where they belong- on them. "I understand you are angry. What can you do about those feelings?"

You can also ask questions "Do you feel scared?" "Do you feel threatened right now?" and put the responsibilty back onto them- "What could you do about that feeling?" -

But do it from a place of compassion and love. Do it with an open heart and an open mind. Be ready to listen, bt ready to be shut out and raged at again. be ready for anything. be ready to ASK if he needs a hug.

The most important thing to remember is that this is crisis management advice- in otherwords to diffuse a situation. This is TERRIBLE as a long term solution because it will turn you into either a therapist or an enemy.

If he is unwilling to seek counselling- cognitive behavioral therapy- then there is NOTHING you can do. you did not cause it and you can not cure it.

read through those sites- and hon, I am going to sat the thing no one wants to hear- why are you with a person who treatys you this way and is incapable of being a partner in a relationship with you right now? We all had to ask ourselves and find out who we were and what we are really made of when the stuff hit he fan with our SO's...so I has to say it.

Hang in there girl.

best
 
PS Beccy, you ARE having a relationship with a child- your BF is a wounded little boy in a man's body. If you go in with that expectation- it will make more sense to you- but he WILL feel like he is being treated like a child if you do that- another no win-
and up until 3am- so you can work out your problems- another indicator of poor boundaries, poor emotional health, poor self care skills and childish behavior (and he is not the only one if you allow him to do it) - it is also typical of emotionally abusive situations-

There is a light at the end of the tunnel- you are not alone dear, unfortunately.

Cecilia offered some really good input.....
 
thanks for that advice and websites Iwantohelphim.

I've been having a good read..

been thinking for some time now about my own side of things in this relationship...therapy is helping with that.....

It's all so complicated/exhausting and confusing, don't you think?

Basically what I'm trying to concentrate on right now is taking total responsibility for myself.

hard work :rolleyes:

There are so many things emotionally which i don't get from this relationship....it's learning to notice them, express them and deciding how best to behave in these situations. I always seem to be carrying round with me, this feeling that, 'I did it wrong', or 'I shouldn't have said this or that' etc...

ready for a holiday!

peace,
Beccy
 
IT IS REALLY HARD beccy! Complicated- exhausteing and confusing --all of those things-

The hardest part for me, and where I have been stuck for...ever it feels like (and I wrote about this in a post I have going) is that he is three people- and I have no idea who to talk to- I have no idea who I am going to get- Do I get angry and leave the emotionally abusive man? Do I placate and nurture the little boy? None of that seems to work anyway- OH! and the third guy-who is normal and comes out every once in a while- I act "normal" around him and one of the other two sqaushes him- WHO am I supposed to deal with? And why does he get to be three people and unexpectedly- it changes in a split second- it's FRIGHTENING...

ARRRGHGHHGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Hang in there!
 
I know what you mean about him being three people....

we are currently in a situation where everytime bf is triggered, it's only ever me to make an effort to say, ''has something happened for you?'' And I can't always be sure, so the times when I don't are confusing/he's hostile. I have explained that this makes me feel rejected and hurt. He understands, but nothing has changed...

I do realise that this is not actually to do with me, but the feelings I'm left with are the same. I'm trying to be patient, but each time this happens, I get this feeling that if he really did care for my feelings, he would be kinder than that? Also, it has the effect of me 'retreating' and I feel distant, cold and like I can't accept any affection from him for a time afterwards.....It's like he can express whatever he chooses, but anything from me causes problems.

Don't know the right way to handle this...

any useful suggestions?

peace,
Beccy
 
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