Places vs People

[blacken]

I had a chance about 5 years ago to visit my old house & room where a lot of abuse happened.
the house was about to be demolished.
went in...and as I stepped in the side door, I felt like I was entering another world. One where I didn't belong.
It was Real creepy.
I took some pics & video.
As I entered 'My" room, from my childhood, age 0-15, I saw something I'd never thought I would see some 30 Years later.
The SAME carpet was still on the floor!
I almost puked. I felt faint.
My arms feel sort of rubbery right now as I recall this.
This room was the place of incredible pain, suffering, torture, &
humiliation.

A place where hope died.

To anyone else, it was just a room.
It's only My memories that make it different.

so, that helped me realize a room is just a room.
its people who make it different, not space.

Without me and him there, it's just carpet. and paint.
As I left the room & looked back, knowing I'd never be here again, I experienced an emotion I still can't name.
To my mind, It's nothing.
To my heart, It's 15 years of Horror.

I searched thru every room.
I even dared the basement. It still instilled a childish fear as I peered into its dark depths. The change in temperature as I descended. I traveled back in time with each step. The smell down here; moisture, stale and some other element.
There was no room unscarred by his foul deeds in this house.
Yet, as I looked around, no more that boy, no more under his thumb, I see it for what it is...cinderblocks, exposed wood, paint.
Gone is the concrete wash basin my mom bathed me in as a toddler, as she did laundry. Gone is the set of encyclopedias I spent so much time trying to escape into.
I know it's Just crumbled plaster, dust, & broken tiles now.
In my heart, in my limbs, it holds so much fear, to this day.

A place is just a place. It's our experiences in the place that changes us, not the place.

Not sure any of this makes sense. May be a strange topic for today, yet, it's what's on my mind...

 

[LoneWolfX]

-

 

[Echoes]

It's amazing you were able to do that. I wonder how I would react if I went back to the place where I lived until I was 14 years old. My mother still lives there. I never went back. I know it would be a bad idea right now regardless of how it would be because I couldn't even go back to my own apartment after everything, but I wonder, with time, how that would be too.

 

[Tom E.]

I'm glad you were able to brave that place of horror, & get through it. Kudos to you. A lot of my 12 thru 15 abuse took place in the woods at my home town in Ct. Some in perps homes.

 

[Napoleon]

Reminds of my trip back to the scout camp. I was yet to experience the flashbacks of the abuse, but the dissociation when I went to the camp. Looking for the paddle that everyone signed, the one that went missing that HE didn't get upset about for some reason.

It was the week kids had been struck by lightening, it made the national news. What didn't make the new was the fact that they knew the ridge line where they built the camp was prone to lighting strikes, and that they had refused to shut down the camp; a decade ago. That before all the structures and investmetns had been made into the camp that they knew there was a safty issue and failed to correct it. Entire troops went home that week, there was extra food, my family had all staffed there, my little brother was active staffing there.

What didn't make the news was the fact that the men who ran the camp had a history of abusing kids, and that more than once who ever was camp director there abused kids and it was in the news, or the fact they changed the name of the camp twice to loose the stigma. The news has always protected scouting from bad publicity.

I was only abused there for months, not the years you where, I was unaware of the abuse but it still greatly affected me... I can only begin to imagine your pain.

 

[dark empathy]

I remember when I was 19 The school where everything happened for me is closed now, and probably even demolished, indeed it is sort of ironic that the very fate which the executive staff worked so hard to avoid actually happened in the end, just a shame it was too late for me.

When I was nineteen I went to look at a tech show in the same building, lots of computers and technology.
It is odd, it was the very room where some of the worst incidents happened but I felt very little. perhaps it was the lighting, since it was at night, not in the afternoon, perhaps it was the abbsance of kids or the fact the room was full of computers and people showing off new and things I wanted to try, or heck perhaps it was just that I hadn't had the substantive impact of all the memories come back then and was still busy telling myself i was fine it seemed like a totally different place.

Part of me wants to challenge myself by seeing what is around now, however even reading a description of the sort of attitudes and environments in J K Rowling's casual vacancy sent me into a complete tailspin a few years ago, so nmethinks it's better to let this one lie.


Therefor, extra kudos to you Blacken not only going back, but actually experiencing! the recurtion of memories and living threw it, just as you did the initial abuse.

 

[Older1]

Places and memories are tied together forever.
Occasionally I have visited a far away house on Google Maps. That house is still there where I was abused.
I look at the house on the computer screen from every angle possible. It helps me remember events and actions that I have only understood now, as an adult.
I did not recognize his kindness as grooming. I never understood why he wanted to be cruel to me.
But now, I understand. I remember the interior hallways, stairs, rooms, kitchen, back yard and shed. I see things clearly now.
Strangely, I can never remember what he looked like, even though he was a family friend and neighbour. Perhaps it is not necessary to remember more.
Fortunately, I did have a caring mother and father who provided a safe home for me, so my overall childhood memories of those days and that neighbourhood are actually positive.

 

[Suwanee]

[Trigger Warning]

Paul,

Thank you for posting this. The notion of time and place is so central to my worldview. I frequently find myself ruminating on these themes to the point where it is a borderline obsession.

I never revisited the camp even though it still resides in my mind and deeply within my being. Part of me is an unsettled spirit still trapped in 1985 at a faraway camp cabin with the arch demon. I’ve often wondered if physically visiting the camp would exorcise the demon. For now, I’ve limited myself to Google Earth and pictures from the camp website.

On my iPad:

I see it from above.
I see the tree cover.
I see the lake.
I see the boat dock.
I see the dining hall.
I see cabins.
I see the cabin.
I see an interior picture that looks like...yes, it is my cabin.
I see the wooden shelves littered with lanterns, a compass, a stuff sack, a tent post.
I see the cots.
I see the rafters.
I see the words I carved in a wooden beam.
I smell the aged wood.
I feel the damp air.
I hear the squeak of the screen door’s hinges.
I hear his voice in my ear.
I taste the sock in my mouth.
I feel the weight.

Will it always be my cabin?
Can I really possess the possessor?
Should I?

I’m reminded..

...and when you gaze long into the abyss the abyss also gazes into you.


Will

 

[traveler]

a few years ago, i went back to the small town where all but one event took place. i went to the house where we lived and stood outside, gazing at the window. i went to the the elementary school and middle school and looked at the gyms, hallway lockers and grounds. i could not go into the rest rooms and locker rooms.

i was very anxious at first but was able to keep grounded and come out with a better mental/emotional attitude. one thing that surprised me was how much smaller and more normal everything looked. no trace of ominous atmosphere. i came away with an increased self-respect for having survived the events and also for having faced the settings despite my fears.

on the other hand, i am more fearful of meeting the actual perps face to face. fortunately, the step-dad has passed and i do not have to fear seeing him. but the peer abusers are a very real possibility every time i visit my brother. one time i did see the coach that was our PE teacher when some of the abuse happened under his watch. it was weird. i still don't know how i would feel about meeting the actual perps.

Lee