Pity Party........probably the first of many to come

Pity Party........probably the first of many to come
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Probably like many of you partners of survivors,
I found myself feeling a little sorry for MYSELF last night while he was at work...just thinking back through our whole marriage, how, really, I've been the one giving the real relationship stuff, he's been a financial support but that's maybe the only thing he has felt he can give. All that time I just figured, sigh, that's just the way it is w/ some men, sigh.... last night I had a little pity party for myself feeling cheated...

I'm the one who has had almost all my meals and many holidays alone because of his being so driven at work, I also brought income in for 10 years of our marriage, in addition to being rejected many times, I've been the only really sentimental one, the neglected one with so much love to give.

I am sure this is the first in a great number of times I will feel this way....which is why it will be hard to stick it out.....but I still intend to as long as he will at least look at the possibility that maybe his csa is something he needs to look at, that maybe he needs to check out this site, talk to someone someday, work on this. And I know that none of that may come any time soon.

While I'm seeing all these things I've not been getting, I am also seeing him in a different way. Such a paradox. I feel guilty for ever speaking rudely to him during any of our arguments, I feel guilty for some of the things I've said over the years, in defense, thinking he was just being a jerk, and now realizing that he probably never was a jerk, but just a hurting little boy inside, confused, alone, sad, untrusting, but I didn't know this then.

Now I want him to let me in again so I can help him, hold and comfort him, apologize for any hurtful words over the years and for the one(s) who hurt him when he was little.

I am feeling so many emotions all at once.
 
Hi Brokenhearted,

I really relate to so much of what you've said there.

My bf is not a high earner, but has always been a workaholic. We used to work together, and it seemed to be all he ever wanted to do with me. Work all day, all night, talk about work, think about work.....it caused so much tension between us and much sadness for me.

we took quite a lot of drugs/drink/smoke and generally lived a very dysfunctional lifestyle. When I look back now, I think ''if only I'd known''.

I knew about some of it for quite a few years, but didn't process/deal with the information properly, which I've felt really guilty about. BUT, then I remind myself of what a mess I was in (from just being in this relationship) by then.

I also have guilt about some of my past behaviours. BUT, it's taken almost 2 years of therapy for me to get to the point where I'm realising I'm not such a bad person after all. My bf has given me next to nothing on both an emotional level and commitment level. He has treated me like I've been unreasonable to want ANYTHING from him in fact. He's also emotionally manipulated me, been very controlling. He has confused me about all matters sexual, creating situations where i basically was made to look disgusting/demanding/unreasonable, etc.

There's so much more than all that, I'm still gradually seeing it all as it really has been. Noticing things i havn't noticed before and standing up for myself accordingly. I now know that all these things are a result of his history, which helps me to understand.

I don't think you should blame yourself for these things. They are neither yours, nor your husband's fault. They are the abusers fault. The abuser is to blame. I would advise you to be kind to yourself, as you have also been hurt by all of this. If you can consider your own feelings too, then you will be of more use to both your husband and yourself. Certainly I'm finding that I'm almost having to 'teach' my bf how to treat me in a considerate and caring way.

I've read some of your other posts, and I understand you really want your husband to get some help/guidance. I'm hoping for you both that he will do that. For myself/bf, it has so far proved to be benificial. He dosen't seem so 'stuck' anymore and we can actually talk now! Having said that, we've also been through some really horribly rocky periods and I don't doubt those will come and go. Interestingly for us, the reason my bf initially went to see a therapist, was because i had been seeing one for some time and it was becoming more and more apparent to me, just how much bf's behaviour was making family life unbearable. At the time, I regretfully didn't relate it to the SA. But, for us, it was a matter of, ''get therapy, or I'm leaving''. Sounds harsh i know, but I was really at my whits end.


It's all so exhausting, but also can begin to be interesting too. Kind of like a new life really. Just remember to look after yourself/your own feelings too. I read recently, 'no patients, no saviours'. it helps to see it that way.

take care,
peace,
Beccy
 
Beccy,

Wow, when you said your b/f "has always been a workaholic. We used to work together, and it seemed to be all he ever wanted to do with me. Work all day, all night, talk about work, think about work.....it caused so much tension between us and much sadness for me."

Exactly the same here. Work is ALL he will talk about, even with "friends," if any of them are truly friends in the true sense, since work is all he shares w/ anyone so how can they. How many times have we gone out to eat and I'm trying so hard to initiate conversation, and he doesn't even respond at all, then I will finally just resort to asking him something work-related - he will talk on and on. Would leave me sad/empty without much connection to him at all.

I should re-read some of your other posts because I forgot how long your b/f has been in therapy. I think my husband is definitely sensing a "turning of the tables" as I am more confident around him, more at ease, respectful of his "borders," and I think he knows I understand the whole deal now...at least I feel that I am beginning to.

Thanks for your encouragement. It is interesting, and it does feel like a new life could be born out of this...but it does depend upon his efforts and will to change, which I have yet to guage.
 
Hi again,

my bf has been seeing a homeopath (who is also a trained psychotherapist) for about a year. She is actually the same one I've been seeing. When I originally insisted he saw someone, he chose her.....at the time, I felt bothered that he chose her, but he said it was cause she was a trained therapist. It's not really caused any problems that we both see her.

Then, about 4 months ago, something just kind of 'clicked' for me and I started noticing all these things which I thought were probably connected to the SA......so I did a bit of reading on the internet and realised I was right. I also realised he'd been quite emotionally blackmailing/controlling and all these 'situations' which kept happening between us were to do with him, not me. It was quite a relief in a way, although a bit scary too.

So, I very tentatively suggested this connection to him and showed him some of the websites. I said I didn't want to push him into reading about any of it. He was really calm and showed interest.(bearing in mind though, that he'd already had a nearly a years worth of therapy, so he was already feeling stronger)

Then we had about a week of him throwing things in front of the kids(nothing big, but the principle) and getting quite angry with us all. Then I went to my mum's for a couple of days and when I got back, something just made me suspicious of his behaviour.....so when he took the kids out, I went searching through everything in the house......found extra safe condoms and lube :eek: To say I was shaking was an understatement! I confronted him and he confessed to going out with intent to seek a truck driver to have sex with :eek: Said nothing had happened, cause he realised when driving past a truck, that he felt intimidated and that felt wrong. Thank God!! I was obviously relieved, but said I couldn't believe he didn't consider his safety as a father. He could have been left for dead :( He said it was a reality check for him....

Then, after more snooping, I realised he'd been out 3 times to do this, after saying it happened only once. So I was then doubtful about the truth of anything. When he got home from work, I said I didn't feel he was being truthful with me about things, and that I wouldn't have a relationship with him under those circumstances. I said I would still live in the house, and support him/love him, but as a friend. That's when he sat down and told me that earlier that day, he'd had a memory of a teacher who he feared may also have abused him :( I was so upset and traumatised for him. We cried, and talked a little.

Then there was about two weeks, where he leaned on me as a substitute therapist. After everything that had happened, by then I was in quite a state as you can imagine. I'd managed to stop myself obsessing over what may have happened to him, but being his only source of support (especially under the circumstances), was not good for me. My dad kept telling me he should see someone and I knew he was right, but didn't want to push bf. In the end, I just had to say I really thought he should see someone, cause he really couldn't cope on his own and we have a very young family still. I have always fought for the kind of family life I want our kids to have and I believe it was the right thing to do. I think he was angry about it, but did decided to see someone. A therapist trained in psychosynthesis, who also uses EFT (emotional freedom Technique).

He decided himself that he needed to see someone weekly. He's been seeing this T for about 3 months now. It has been a huge help for him. The appointments always seem to help 'move' him through things and the EFT is amazing. He goes upstairs, does the EFT, then has a massive crying session, or beats the bed like crazy. Then he's usually a little calmer. (Sometimes he can still be depressed.

I'm off to read your latest post,

peace,
Beccy
 
Wow, thanks for a preview of what might come. I don't look forward to any of it.

I'm afraid but know he needs to "get right" from this, to seek therapy one day, etc. I hope I don't lose him/us along the way. It is scary and I am afraid of all that is yet to come, mostly for him and sad for him also.

Glad your b/f's therapist appears to be a good one. Did he ever, to your knowledge, read any of this site?
 
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