Pissed Off (Can I say "Pissed"?)
(May Trigger, Sorry!)
Hello All:
This morning, I was in the shower with Andy again. We like to do that, take showers together. It's a way of being close without necessarily being sexual. Know what I mean?
Anyhow, I had another flashback. This time, I could feel my brother smacking me on the side of my head. It was so real that it kind of hurt, like a bad headache. Then it dawned on me!
In the last few years, I had a lot of headaches. They seemed to come out of nowhere. I thought they were migraines. But I think now that my body has been playing out the memories of the childhood abuse. Like the headaches that felt like someone took a bat to my head--that was my brother's fist. The breathing difficulties and chest pain--that was when my brother sat on top of me, pinning me down and slapping me across the face. I could go on and on in this vein.
But it made me think of when I was a child, when I couldn't speak out about the physical and sexual abuse. Everyone thought I was such a moody kid. They couldn't understand why I would suddenly go quiet. Or why I would lose my temper over something "silly." Or why I just didn't seem to fit in like the other kids.
Well...HELLO! I was abused.
I wasn't moody--I was hurting!
I wasn't quiet--I was afraid to speak up!
I wasn't a little raging bull--I was indignant over my mistreatment by my brother!
And I most certainly wasn't different from the other kids--I was singled out for abuse!
Geez...all my life I've been feeling like something was wrong with me, something that needed to be fixed. But it wasn't me, was it?
Today, I'm pissed. Years ago, I went to see therapists because I thought I needed to fill some void in myself. And I would yak endlessly about my feelings and insecurities. In passing, I would also mention a few things about my brother. Well, what were those therapists thinking way back when? Why did I have to spend decades of my life hurting in silence? What was the matter with them all back then? Didn't anyone know what my suicide attempt in high school was really all about?
Am I ranting? You bet! Today I am pissed that no one heard me a long time ago. But now, you are there and....
Thanks for listening,
Jasper
Hello All:
This morning, I was in the shower with Andy again. We like to do that, take showers together. It's a way of being close without necessarily being sexual. Know what I mean?
Anyhow, I had another flashback. This time, I could feel my brother smacking me on the side of my head. It was so real that it kind of hurt, like a bad headache. Then it dawned on me!
In the last few years, I had a lot of headaches. They seemed to come out of nowhere. I thought they were migraines. But I think now that my body has been playing out the memories of the childhood abuse. Like the headaches that felt like someone took a bat to my head--that was my brother's fist. The breathing difficulties and chest pain--that was when my brother sat on top of me, pinning me down and slapping me across the face. I could go on and on in this vein.
But it made me think of when I was a child, when I couldn't speak out about the physical and sexual abuse. Everyone thought I was such a moody kid. They couldn't understand why I would suddenly go quiet. Or why I would lose my temper over something "silly." Or why I just didn't seem to fit in like the other kids.
Well...HELLO! I was abused.
I wasn't moody--I was hurting!
I wasn't quiet--I was afraid to speak up!
I wasn't a little raging bull--I was indignant over my mistreatment by my brother!
And I most certainly wasn't different from the other kids--I was singled out for abuse!
Geez...all my life I've been feeling like something was wrong with me, something that needed to be fixed. But it wasn't me, was it?
Today, I'm pissed. Years ago, I went to see therapists because I thought I needed to fill some void in myself. And I would yak endlessly about my feelings and insecurities. In passing, I would also mention a few things about my brother. Well, what were those therapists thinking way back when? Why did I have to spend decades of my life hurting in silence? What was the matter with them all back then? Didn't anyone know what my suicide attempt in high school was really all about?
Am I ranting? You bet! Today I am pissed that no one heard me a long time ago. But now, you are there and....
Thanks for listening,
Jasper
