Pissed at my Dad

Pissed at my Dad
D

DodgeChallenger

Registrant
I get angry at my dad. He made me feel safe all the time. It was my dad and my two older brothers on our own. Nudity was commonplace. Underwear were shared among all of us. Dad was an exboxer who owned a bar. My brothers and I were wrestlers. Our bathroom had a huge shower area where three of us could shower at the same time if needed. We would laugh and smack each other. Some of our greatest talks were completely naked in that shower.
In high school I was the Joc and felt safe in the lockerrooms there. The sophomores held us naked in the showers under the cold water. We in turn did that to the new freshman when we were older. It was all in good fun. It was safe with only mild flirting and comparing going one.
My dad put me in bodybuilding contests in NY and Jersey. I won quite a few. I just didn't know that men with wedding bands would want to touch my ass or package. I didn't know people wanted to use me. I didn't know so many men would be angry or jealous of me when they saw me naked. I figured my brothers and I were just normal. I didn't know we were above average. Dad didn't warn me to watch who was oiling me up before a competition. Dad didn't warn me that some other wrestlers could grab me where it hurts and twist their hand hoping I will lose my grip. Dad didn't warn me that some of the wrestlers there were into body contact. Dad brought home women often. He didn't allow me to hear the noises of two people who loved each other. He allowed me to hear the voices of two people getting off, sometimes it was a 3some or foursome. My dad didn't warn me that if he passed out from drinking, his lady friends would seek sex from his boys who were in their teens.
My dad loves me. But sometimes I am so angry because I had no idea that men would want to touch or penetrate my ass because I was athletic and cut with hardly any body fat. I just didn't know. He did not warn me.
Jake
 
sorry Jake. i still harbor a lot of ill feelings toward my father. not so strong i would call it hate, but unhealed wounds. there was a point it was outright anger, but i have let it go for the most part. my father is what he is. even confronting him with my abuse, and with my feelings hasnt changed him. i hope someday you can make peace inside where it counts, but until then you have every right to feel what you need to feel. i am sure many here have anger with one or both thier parents.
 
When I woke up and looked back at my childhood as an adult I saw a lot of the same things you describe. My life changed and I realized that what I was exposed to was not meant for anyone much less a child. The crazy thing is I never questioned it until my life fell apart, sometimes I wonder what was going through my head and then I remember, I was just a child trusting in my father. The problem is I took what he taught me into my adult life and that is where I lay the blame, it hurts to say that my father is not someone I look up too but it is the truth and I like the truth more than a lie. The truth is what has taken me this far, the truth is I am not at fault for something I did not do, something that was done to me. The truth can set you free, I love it.
 
Jake,

I can understand your feelings that your Dad should have done more to provide you with good defenses against the dangers that lay ahead. Whatever your feelings are, you have to own them and decide how to process them. Talking about how you feel is an important start.

But the other side of this coin is that you are talking about the mid-80s. At that time awareness of the extent to which boys were being abused was just beginning to become clear to professionals - social workers, psychologists and so on. Parents, schools, youth groups, sports teams - all were still pretty much unaware of the problem. So you might want to ask yourself, in those days what could you have expected your father to know?

That's not the whole answer of course. It's pretty irresponsible for a man to bring home women, and then get drunk and pass out and leave his conquests to discover he has teenage boys.

At some point I hope you will be able to talk to your father about all this, and in the meantime it's a good idea to get all this off your chest.

Much love,
Larry
 
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