picking up the pieces

[puppy]

im not sure how or why things got to this point. well, yes i am. but im not sure what to do with it. while talkin to my therapist something came up about my brother. i havent spoken to him in almost a year and he only lives a few blocks away. i guess i try to pretend i dont care, because im not sure what other option i have. but i do care. in fact im totally devastated and there is a huge empty place in my life.

we always sort of had a strange relationship. probably because we grew up in such a violent and sick home. i guess we were never that close. he always took care of me. because he was older and i guess he felt that was his job. i think he resents me for it, even though there was nothing i could have done at the time. i guess he pretty much became a parent as soon as i was born. there are days im sure i wouldnt have eaten or had clean clothes or gone to school if he wasnt there to keep things in order. i know he took a lot of beatings and much worse so that id be safe. i wish it hadnt been that way but it was. and then he left home and i felt completely abandoned. he moved away out of the town we grew up in. he would call but he never came to vist really. and i hated him for it. now i know there was nothing he could have done. he needed to get out and i was just a kid, i wasnt his responsibility.

we hardly talked after that, until i left home. i went to stay with him for awhile because i was too young to go anywhere else. it was so strange. we both knew what went on at home. but we had never ever spoken about it. not once. not a word. sometimes when i was little he would crawl into bed with me at night. and i knew why. he was scared something would happen to me. or to him. and if we were together it might not. but still we never talked about it. it was just understood. but it drove me crazy. even though i knew without a doubt that it had happened to him, a little part of me still kept telling me i was crazy or that maybe it was just me. i had to know. so i brought it up.

im not gonna go itno that. but it was pretty much the beginning of the end of our already non existent relationship. i didnt want it to be that way. im not sure why it ended up that way. i think there was just so much damage done to both of us and there is so much resentment and anger and trauma that we dont know what to do with it. i know he resents me. i know he hates me in a way, for all the things he had to go through to protect me. and part of me is so angry at him for leaving me there and not telling someone and letting it keep happening. i know its not his fault. and its not mine. ive tried to let that all go. ive tried to call him. he wont return my calls. maybe talking to me and seeing me is just a reminder of so many nightmares he wants to forget.

i wonder why. and i know im not the only one. there has to be someone who is going through the same thing. or has gone through it in the past. i dont want this to be the end of it. somehow, i need to make things right with him. i just dont know how. is it even possible? with all the damage this has already done to my life, i dont want it to take away my brother too. i feel like im missing so much.

 

[Dan88]

I can relate to some of what you're going through. My brother and I went through the abuse together. He got it worse than I did, though there was plenty to go around. We've really only spoken about it once, and that was about 20 years ago and the entire conversation lasted less than a half hour. We only talked then because I had to tell him that I had taken some actions against the scum who molested us and I feared it would wind up impacting him, too. He was cool about it, but I'm sure it was unnerving for him. In retrospect I can only imagine how disturbing it must have been to him that I had done what I did. Potentially he could have been forced to tell everything. Nothing ever came of it, and after that we never spoke about it again. I was coming apart at that point and I think he thought I was weak for not having better dealt with it all.

We see each other once or twice a year at holidays and I'm so triggered by that time of year it's all I can do to get through things.
We get along, but it's like we barely know each other. I have business acquaintances that I know better than him. The relationship with my brother is the thing I lost through abuse that I regret the most. I don't know how to make things right or better between us. When I've tried to figure out how to spend more time together, it never seems to work. He's friendly, but distant and I wonder if its partially because if we go beyond just pleasant chatter it brings up memories of all the shit. I want to tell him that I don't give a shit about the past. If he wants to leave it alone, that's fine with me. But I want for us to be closer like brothers. I just can't make it happen.

 

[roadrunner]

Puppy,

Have a look at the long discussion between me and Jasper in the gay forum on exactly what you are talking about. Jasper was talking about what to do about his younger brother Paulie, and I was trying to decide can I tell my father. It was a heart-felt and honest exchange and led us to become great friends. Maybe reading it will help you.

Edited to add: Dan, sorry, I didn't see your post until I had already responded to Puppy. You may find this useful as well. All the best to the both of you, to Jasper, and to all the others whose relationships with siblings have been damaged by all this. It hurts me just to think of what you guys have lost. I wish I had the answer for how to fix these relationships.

Take care,
Larry

 

[sophiesdad]

Puppy:

I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said that being around you has been too painful a reminder of what happened. It's just like some of the other guys on this forum who have had physical damage and still have pain from it. They all say that the pain is an awful daily reminder of what happened.

I guess that I try to assume the best of intentions in people adn of course, you know your brother MUCH better than I. But I would suspect that if he's reluctant to talk about things, that's probaby why the silence and no return calls.

Something you MAY consider is sometime writing a letter to him speaking from the heart. You may decide to tell him how much you miss talking with him and that it hurts that he's not a part of your life. It may or may not bring him around and open the lines of communication. But at least you have made a try of it.

I look at my brother who grew up in the same dysfunctional family - he's 12 years older than I and he never got any help. We have never been close because of the difference in age. Right now he hasn't spoken to me in about 7 years because I had written a letter to my parents finally telling what happened to me and how it affected my life. My father and I reconciled, but my mother went to her grave not speaking to me.

My brother's lack of communication with me is his choice. I've made the attempt to talk with him, but I think he's in too much denial and his anger is displaced.

So, with that said, think about maybe making a gesture in writing. This affords him the time and the privacy to deal with things in a safe and non-threatening way. Again, you can never predict the outcome - he could possibly stay in silence....but remember that silence may not be the result of anger aimed at you. It may be silence because it is just too overwhelming and he doesn't want to face facts.

That's my humble opinion.

SD

 

[Leosha]

Puppy,

I can relate a bit to what you are saying. I am in a position of needing to decide whether it is better or worse for me to keep my mother in my life. And I find myself saying the same thing. After the abuse has taken so much from me, I do not want it to take her from me also.

I guess sometime what one needs is not the same as the needs of the other. You are probably right, in that you are a negative 'reminder', as hard as that is. I hope that at some point you and your brother can reconcile. But perhaps it would be healthier for you to start accepting a life without him. Because sometime the people we most need can not give us what we need most.

I am very sorry this is happening to you, and I wish you good luck.

Leosha