Physiological responses from dreams or memories or am I the only one?

GarryDex

Registrant
When I have a really bad triggering event or difficult memories or even very vivid dreams about what I did / had done to me sometimes I feel like it's still going on. Like the abuse is still happening or just happened.

Over the last couple months however I also been physically ill (vomiting), nausea and at times lack appetite. I realize that these are also neurophysiological responses. Lately for me they've been associated with things I'd did / things that were done to me that I find so dehumanizing I find it difficult to accept. I also get two different traumatic events crosswired in my memories but more prominently in my dreams. Like people from each event are intermingled,was wondering if there's anybody in the same boat I am?
 

Toad

Registrant
It happens to me too.
I call them body memories.

It feels like it is happening again and it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop it. Just like when it was originally happening. The absolute worst for me is when my body responds to what it feels like is happening again and I orgasm. I feel so much shame, it feels like my body betrayed me.

As for dreams, I tend to ignore the specifics of dreams and focus on what feeling my brain is trying to process.
For instance you mentioned the perps being at different abuse events in your dream. But the feelings that were invoked were probably ones you have had before when you were abused.
I just had a dream of being orally abused. But for some reason there was a giant bird involved. I don't think that means anything. But the feelings of the dream, the helplessness, the resignation and just letting it happen. Those are what the dream was really about.
 

GarryDex

Registrant
*********TRIGGER WARNING*****
Actually the second traumatic event was 30+ years after the CSA. I believe that they get confused to me is because I feel an oppressively large feeling of betrayal at the core of each event.

A common one (dream) lately is that there are a seemingly endless amount of men orgasming on me. Now my CSA abuser is male in the dream (abuser was female but sodomizing me and calling me derogatory homosexual terms was a common occurrence) . He(she) is again sodomizing me and screaming "I told you you'd take lots of cock." Being a hetero male I not only find this very confusing but repulsive as well. It's like after 40 plus years she's still sodomizing me.

The other trauma that I'm getting this crossed over in my brain about bukake was an event tied to the trauma. But now it's happening to me. To set the matter straight I wasn't involved in that event or others in the second traumatic experience.

It seems like my traumatic brain is just tricking me into feeling more guilt that is actually not mine.
 

GarryDex

Registrant
It happens to me too.
I call them body memories.

It feels like it is happening again and it feels like there is nothing I can do to stop it. Just like when it was originally happening. The absolute worst for me is when my body responds to what it feels like is happening again and I orgasm. I feel so much shame, it feels like my body betrayed me.

As for dreams, I tend to ignore the specifics of dreams and focus on what feeling my brain is trying to process.
For instance you mentioned the perps being at different abuse events in your dream. But the feelings that were invoked were probably ones you have had before when you were abused.
I just had a dream of being orally abused. But for some reason there was a giant bird involved. I don't think that means anything. But the feelings of the dream, the helplessness, the resignation and just letting it happen. Those are what the dream was really about.
By the way I feel you on the whole body betraying me situation as well. Those were the exact words that I used with my therapist. I told her that it felt like I can't even trust my body, how can I trust other people or even myself? BTW every time after she removed whatever it was she was sodomizing me with at the time it felt like there was something still up in me, felt like just evil, cancerous left inside to faster and grow. Every time I prayed it would be the last time but I knew it wouldn't.
 
I can relate to quite a bit of this, specifically the dreams. It's interesting. I know I dream all night, but I rarely remember them when I wake up. Except for "those" dreams. They linger and haunt me throughout the rest of the day, and sometimes throughout the week.

****** TRIGGER WARNINGS *******
The blending of different events, or of real events that occurred with other totally unrelated events, real or just "dreamland" stuff, causes a lot of confusion. I don't often think of the worst of my CSA while awake, which is when one man, who was a friend of my friend's father, got me alone on 5 different occasions, forced me on my knees in the tub, orally raped me, then would very painfully grip my lower jaw and force it open while urinating in me, slapping me hard, and calling me all kinds of filthy, humiliating names. I was so humiliated, and he absolutely terrified me, with that look of hate and disgust in his face. It's when I'm dreaming of those horrible times with that one particular man that haunts me, and will blend with something completely different, with others from my past participating or watching. I haven't had that dream in a long time, thank goodness, as his abuse and that trauma I have worked on the most in my life, and it's impact has lessened a great deal over the years. Thank God! But some of the less abusing encounters I had growing up still occur in my dreams and I wake up in an erotic state. I've learned that it's pretty common for so many of us so I don't beat myself up over it anymore. And I continue to forgive the boy that I was in those situations, who enjoyed some of it. It's not his fault. I love him and forgive him.

Thank you GarryDex for sharing your struggles with this. I hope your physical reactions of your body, i.e. vomiting, etc., decrease and stop altogether soon. Just by sharing this, it helps to lessen the power it has over you.
 

Harry

Registrant
Yeah, you're not alone. I have been tormented by vivid nightmares. It's our subconsious minds trying to make sense of things, I guess.
You might want to look into "lucid" dreaming. You could maybe gain more control over your dreams.
 

GS_BulaVrsay

Registrant
@GarryDex @82Tango @Toad @Harry *Triggering Possible*

To all of you guys: In sharing your individual comments = and being brave enough to share details of your experiences = I want each of you to know how relieved you have made me feel today. If you read my experience, which I don't think I could write out again, it was through nightmares that I remembered my SA. What began as nightmares then became night terrors. Once they came out, through the dreams, I remembered that these incidents were real and I do recall them. I was SO confused. I had completely blocked it AND the individual - a male family cousin - from my life. How could that have happened? Sometimes I wake up screaming, but, I at least I woke up from them. It was from the Night Terrors, that I could not awaken. Imagine becoming "aware" that you were dreaming but not able to wake from it. Even though, in reality, it was only for seconds, it was horrible. I was "locked-in"- like a twilight zone episode - I could not escape what was happening in my dreams. The things I experienced in the dreams lingered for days. It ALL came back to me once it started: the touching how I experienced it as it was sexual and new, the sounds of breathing and groans, tastes, smells, and so much more. I was feeling it as if it were REAL! But, it was the experience through an adult's eyes. Initially, when these began, I didn't realize it was my cousin. I thought it was a wet dream, does that make sense? But, as it continued and I was enjoying it, I saw the reality of what was happening. I would freak out. That is when I would awaken screaming NO!!!! I thought I was cheating on my wife, I was scared I had lost my mind & was having sex with a man, I was crying, and so much more. My poor wife. She suffered from the lack of sleep of it all. I was not going to tell her the real reason. I gave her a valid excuse for it and she accepted it. So, yes, have had the exact same physiological reactions as you've mentioned & more. It is awful. When I would wake up while certain sexual actions within the dream were happening, I would bend over the bed and puke trying to get that out of my mouth. Other times, I just puked because of my fear and disgust. I stayed nauseated. No appetite. If I ate, I got sick to my stomach. I am haggard, exhausted, and overwhelmed by the newness and continuance of it all. Thanks to my chemo treatments, I am not eating much, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Today I woke up achy and exhausted after days of this. The dreams have increased as I do my healing process; I am reading the book Victims No Longer and it is a great book of answers and guidance, but it also causes trigging and memories to surface due to its healing pattern. It is almost like a purge. At least, I am told that is what it is. So, I hear you, I understand according to my own experience s it relates to yours, and most of all, you are not alone.
 
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