physical violence

physical violence
S

serenebreeze

Registrant
Does physical violence always get progressive? I have to walk on eggeshells with my husband on certain days so his buttons dont get pushed. Recently he shook me because he says I would not leave him alone.Than I threw a jacket at him in his response to me. Than he chased me down the hall with his fist up at me an my son was right there and even mimicked his behavior. I feel like this behavior may continue unless he gets the help. His logic is he wouldnt be physical if I wouldnt antagonize. What a way to not own responsibility and to justify his actions.
Peace SB
 
serenebreeze - this is not good at all. batterers often start out with threats and if not stopped, yes, escalation can and usually does occur.

blaming you for 'provoking' him is the oldest story in the book - not just for violence (she wouldn't stop nagging me) but for rape (look at how she dressed) and even crime (it was just there and no one was looking so i took it) - it's just an excuse people use to rationalize behavior that's unacceptable for many reasons.

you really need to look up some resources on the internet about violence and relationships; and you also need to sit down NOW and have a serious discussion with your husband about this. make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that you will call the police and have him removed from your home if he should be so foolish as to strike you or otherwise threaten you in a way that makes you feel endangered.

whatever his issues are with his csa it is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE that you become victimzed by him.

furthermore, in some states now, a woman who becomes battered by her partner and has children may sometimes have those children removed from the home by social services - drastic measures but for children to witness violence is extremely tramautizing even if they are not the targets of the violence.

please don't wait on this; contact a local women's shelter for advice, find out who you need to call, and you need to make it clear to your husband you are doing these things in order to protect yourself and your family.

finally, maybe you are thinking 'he didn't hurt me i shouldn't make a big deal out of it' - but you came to this site and thought about it enough to make a post - obviously you are bothered by it - don't brush off signs of impending violence - that's a downward spiral you don't want to experience.

all the best,
indy
 
Hi,

your post has reminded me of the way my bf used to throw things. It was always when we'd been 'trying' to talk and I was becomming angry. I was so frustrated and looking back, I have realised recently that I felt to blame for him throwing things like that. Once he kicked a table accross the room, and proceeded to tower over me looking really quite threateningly at me. I have always considered myself a strong woman, so I didn't give him the satisfaction of looking scared.....he smashed a room up once, broke our daughter's clock and her little chair. It's bringing me to tears now just thinking about it....

It is interesting though, how now after much therapy (for me), I have come to see it's really plainly clear that his threatening behaviours did actually manage to create a kind of fear in me, which would prevent me from speaking my mind. At the time it never seemed that way to me, which is difficult to understand. Most of the rest of the time, my bf was the most gentle man and I don't believe anyone would EVER think he could be violent. He seemed to have this way of being like he was hard done to ALL the time and I always felt guilty like I was mean, unreasonable and pushy and everything was my fault. I know I must have been a bit of a shit sometimes, but isn't everyone? And the point is, that when someone's SAID something a bit out of line, the other person picks them up on it. As apposed to other means of 'control', such as physical violence, emotional abuse etc.

Maybe you could take a second to think about how it made you feel when your husband was threatening to you? Allow yourself that.

Also, are you in therapy yourself? It took me going to therapy first and getting myself back together a bit before I could really believe I had a right to stand up for the things which were making me so unhappy...

These situations are complicated indeed....

keep us posted, take care and be very kind to yourself,

peace,
Beccy
 
serenebreeze,

I hate to be alarmist, but I think the very fact that he lays hands on you, shakes you and pursues you around the house is a VERY bad sign. These are the first steps across the line, and you really have no reason to assume they won't continue to more violent behavior. What has happened already is entirely and absolutely unacceptable.

As the others above have said, it's just not true that the problem is that you are "antagonizing" him. He's got a family to think about and he needs to get his anger under control - how is up to him to figure out.

If he can't or won't do this, then you have to think of your own safety and that of your son. You need a support network of safe people whom you can contact on short notice if you have to get out.

I know you love your husband, and I myself have always liked him. But I hope you can see that you can't just hope against hope that things will improve. Real and concrete steps are needed right now. Ultimately this will affect your own self-esteem, not to mention your personal safety and the welfare of your child.

Much love,
Larry
 
the shifting of responsiblity to you for provoking him is classic for abusive, controlling people. they can't live with themselves, so in thier minds everything is someone else's fault. that is a bad thing. a person can always change and heal, if they accept responsibility. when they dont, they can't understand why they need to change. this seems just the beginning, unless he takes action. if i were you, i would insist on him getting help. you cannot allow him to do this to you, or to pass this on to your son.
 
Serenebreaze,

I can only echo what has been said above. Your safety and that of your child must come first. Your husband putting his hands on you has crossed a very dangerous line. Personally, I think you should get out, or get him out, until his anger is brought under control, whether it be through therapy for csa, marriage counseling or anger management, or whatever. You are standing on top of a rumbling volcano and that is a very dangerous place to be. Be smart and climb off until the volcano erupts or calms down, permanently.

One more thing, just to reinforce what the others have said. You did not cause his behavior. Classic transferance of blame is what he's doing in order to justify his horrid behavior and actions. Be safe.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
serenebreeze,

I have a friend whose father used to get violent with his mother. The father never physically harmed his kids but it has affected my friend deeply in his relationships with women. He allows himself to get taken advantage of, and puts up with all kinds of poor treatment from girlfriends, because part of what he learned from his mother was that it's more important to stay in the relationship than it is to be happy with your life. He always ends up dating very needy women or women with a lot of baggage and stresses himself out trying to "save" them.

Also, my friend has a very tense relationship with his father. He goes home for holidays etc. and tries to be a good son and do his part to stay connected to them but he is not affectionate with his dad and doesn't really share anything personal with him. You can tell that his dad is pretty hurt by this, that he loves his kids a lot and wishes he had a closer relationship with his son.

Just some thoughts.

SAR
 
Soapy Bubbles,

he pursued us 'i love you, why did you leave me?' for over a year, during which time i had to change my name and move house 5 times.
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I think it's this that Serene Breeze really needs to think about: a violent partner will often be unable (or unwilling) to take responsibility himself for what he is doing - everything must therefore be his wife/gf's fault. This is a certain recipe for further trouble.

Much love,
Larry
 
another aspect of what larry is saying and pointed out so clearly - after a violent outburst the batterer has vented his rage and often calms down to a point where he IS visibly shaken and sorry for what he's done - THIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME PYSCHOLOGICALLY FOR THE VICTIM - this is when many, many women make the mistake of "forgiveness" and often take the blame "i shouldn't have provoked him" and the vicious circle winds tighter and tighter - he'll take more liberties next time, this is when the violence starts escalating - the partner becomes emeshed in thinking it was her fault, especially when the batterer comes back saying he's 'so sorry' 'please forgive me' 'you know i really do love you' etc. ad nauseum.

violence is NEVER something people do to those they love - it's just not.

there's also groups for men who batter their partners - it's not too soon to get him into one at all -

but again, at this point it's really important to take steps to protect yourself and your family - for all the right reasons.

all the best,
indy
 
I want everyone to know that I do not take any of the posts written here lightly. They have given me inspiration and careful thought as to what I am going to do. I have lived in this continuous cycle for a good many years. Honeymoon phase than back to the same old habitual patterns. I do not take ANY blame for his physical actions that are being taken out on me at all!! I just like larry has said:I can't just hope against hope that things will improve. My foolishness to believe in him has kept me where I am. I should have seen the warning signs a mile away. Over the years he began to yell than be emtionally abusive, than to squeezing, shaking and than through imtimidation by pretending to punch me. He says if I would just leave him alone he wouldnt have any reason to do those things. He also says he shakes me to wake me up. How can anyone really believe this crap? This pysical abuse is not an everyday occurance but that last two encouters were in three days of each other. This is a risk I am no longer willing to take. The numerous opportunities I have given are leading to our families demise. I am not out to paint my husband as a villian. So if he ever reads this I want him to know I love him and that someone has to stand up for our son who doesnt have a voice right now. I am my sons voice and my duty as his mother is to protect him. I pray to god one day that (even if we dont work out) that he actually gets the help he truly needs and finally stops blaming everyone else. Time2heals childhood is not his fault but HE is responsible for what he does in his adult life including owning his emotions. I am also sorry for the pain I have caused him in regaurds to the circle of trust that was broken. I will take 50% of what has gone wrong in our relationship but I can no longer do what I have been doing. I asked my husband what are you doing to get your anger under control? He says he's taking care of it himself. I know that he cannot do this on his own. He says that he cannot afford to go to a T b/c he has not met his deductable. I see excuse after excuse. I am always met with a rebutle. my decision is to separate and live on my own with my son. Obviously we would each have time with our son. We both need time to figure things out. I hope he makes the right choice and gets the help he needs (for his sake) I wished and I have hoped that this wouldnt be what it would come down to. He says he is tired of hurting and so am I. In the five times that he has ever been physical, I thought it would never happen again. I do not trust my husband enough to believe that there wont be a next time even if the next time isnt for another 6 months to a year. I feel blessed to have your guys support. If my husband ever posts here again please encourage him to continue on his journey to healing.
LV, peace, and happiness. SB
 
My foolishness to believe in him has kept me where I am. I should have seen the warning signs a mile away.
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sb - who is not a fool for love? and who is not blinded by it as well? don't blame yourself for not 'seeing' it - nor for believing in him - it's a good thing to believe in people, especially those close to us.

be strong, your goodness shines in your desire to stand by him for so long and it will help you now as you try and find a new direction that's healthy and positive.

all the best,
indy
 
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