Physical Problems (Sex Rel. ; POSSIBLE TRIGGERS)
Hello,
Firstly, let me start by saying that I really hope it's okay to discuss a sexual issue in this forum. If not, please let me know and I'll remake it in another forum, or remove it completely if it is not allowed on the site. I can't seem to find anything about it in the rules, so I think I'm safe, but I just want to make sure I make it clear that I'm not trying to break any rules on purpose.
My main reason for joining MS is because I'm having a relationship problem. You see, I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man, and we Skype every evening for about an hour, and twice a day on the weekends. We've been doing this for almost nine months. He's visited once, is planning to visit next month, and I plan on visiting once he reveals to his parents that we're dating (he's not open yet, and I respect his decision to be private about his sexuality until he's ready). My boyfriend is also 10 years older than me (I'm 21).
Sometimes we like to be as sexual as we can be over Skype by watching each other pleasure ourselves. At first, it was fun for both of us and we did it often, but the closer we grew emotionally, the less we felt a need to try and create a virtually physical environment for sex. When we tried it again last week for the first time in months, I found myself unable to get and maintain an erection.
I'd chalk this off to just being sleepy that morning, but lately when I try to pleasure myself, it's become difficult for me to get and maintain an erection. I always eventually get one, but I find the slightest dip into non-sexual thoughts causes me to lose it extremely quickly. My boyfriend says I'm probably just psyching myself out because it happened once and I immediately thought there was a "problem" with me, which then led to it ACTUALLY becoming an issue. He says I should just pay it no mind, and that I should also decrease my masturbation frequency.
When he visited in person about three months ago, I had the exact same problem when we attempted sex. In fact, I'd say this problem has been going on after the failed attempt when he visited.
Now, my boyfriend, being in his very early 30s, is a very understanding and compassionate guy. He stopped the moment I told him I knew nothing would happen, and he never tried to initiate another attempt, nor did he ask me to do anything to him. I had told him about my molestation about a week into our dating, and he's been nothing but sympathetic and understanding. He lets me initiate all of our sexual stuff, because he believes that we need to take the physical aspect of our relationship at my pace. He would even ask if it was okay to kiss me, or if I felt like being cuddled, instead of just assuming I did——I really lucked out by getting someone so respectful!
My question is, if he's being so understanding and respectful of me and my body, then why is my body not cooperating with me? I trust him completely, but it feels like my body isn't showing that. I'm not feeling pressured into sex, and I'm not feeling obligated. I want to be physical with him so badly, I want to make our connection deeper than it is, but I can't. I'm not even having panic attacks or flashbacks, so I don't use my CBT or take an anti-anxiety pill because there's no reason to. I want to engage in sex but my body is just like, "NOPE!"
Is this normal? Do I just need more time before I can allow sex to happen, and have I just made a mountain out of a molehill which caused my solo-problems? Or do I have a serious issue on my hands, like ED? My boyfriend says it sounds more psychological than it does physical because of my age... His encouragement that I have an underlying issue is what made me seek out this forum in the first place.
I feel bad. Not because I think I "owe" him something, but because this is something I want and is something my body isn't giving me. It's like... like I've lost my sense of control that took me so long to gain back. It's like my assaulter is in charge of my body again, you know? At first I thought maybe I just felt "less like of man" (and yes, I know gender is just a stupid social construct, and that thinking I'm "less of a man" is very cissexist of me, and I apologize)... But today I realized, I actually feel like less of a person.
I just want to be able to enjoy this physical aspect of life, especially since I used to have healthy masturbation habits. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today; I have fought so many demons, I have grieved for my childhood self, I have even forgiven her for molesting me just so I could move on. And now I feel like all that progress has been wiped off the map.
Firstly, let me start by saying that I really hope it's okay to discuss a sexual issue in this forum. If not, please let me know and I'll remake it in another forum, or remove it completely if it is not allowed on the site. I can't seem to find anything about it in the rules, so I think I'm safe, but I just want to make sure I make it clear that I'm not trying to break any rules on purpose.
My main reason for joining MS is because I'm having a relationship problem. You see, I'm in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man, and we Skype every evening for about an hour, and twice a day on the weekends. We've been doing this for almost nine months. He's visited once, is planning to visit next month, and I plan on visiting once he reveals to his parents that we're dating (he's not open yet, and I respect his decision to be private about his sexuality until he's ready). My boyfriend is also 10 years older than me (I'm 21).
Sometimes we like to be as sexual as we can be over Skype by watching each other pleasure ourselves. At first, it was fun for both of us and we did it often, but the closer we grew emotionally, the less we felt a need to try and create a virtually physical environment for sex. When we tried it again last week for the first time in months, I found myself unable to get and maintain an erection.
I'd chalk this off to just being sleepy that morning, but lately when I try to pleasure myself, it's become difficult for me to get and maintain an erection. I always eventually get one, but I find the slightest dip into non-sexual thoughts causes me to lose it extremely quickly. My boyfriend says I'm probably just psyching myself out because it happened once and I immediately thought there was a "problem" with me, which then led to it ACTUALLY becoming an issue. He says I should just pay it no mind, and that I should also decrease my masturbation frequency.
When he visited in person about three months ago, I had the exact same problem when we attempted sex. In fact, I'd say this problem has been going on after the failed attempt when he visited.
Now, my boyfriend, being in his very early 30s, is a very understanding and compassionate guy. He stopped the moment I told him I knew nothing would happen, and he never tried to initiate another attempt, nor did he ask me to do anything to him. I had told him about my molestation about a week into our dating, and he's been nothing but sympathetic and understanding. He lets me initiate all of our sexual stuff, because he believes that we need to take the physical aspect of our relationship at my pace. He would even ask if it was okay to kiss me, or if I felt like being cuddled, instead of just assuming I did——I really lucked out by getting someone so respectful!
My question is, if he's being so understanding and respectful of me and my body, then why is my body not cooperating with me? I trust him completely, but it feels like my body isn't showing that. I'm not feeling pressured into sex, and I'm not feeling obligated. I want to be physical with him so badly, I want to make our connection deeper than it is, but I can't. I'm not even having panic attacks or flashbacks, so I don't use my CBT or take an anti-anxiety pill because there's no reason to. I want to engage in sex but my body is just like, "NOPE!"
Is this normal? Do I just need more time before I can allow sex to happen, and have I just made a mountain out of a molehill which caused my solo-problems? Or do I have a serious issue on my hands, like ED? My boyfriend says it sounds more psychological than it does physical because of my age... His encouragement that I have an underlying issue is what made me seek out this forum in the first place.
I feel bad. Not because I think I "owe" him something, but because this is something I want and is something my body isn't giving me. It's like... like I've lost my sense of control that took me so long to gain back. It's like my assaulter is in charge of my body again, you know? At first I thought maybe I just felt "less like of man" (and yes, I know gender is just a stupid social construct, and that thinking I'm "less of a man" is very cissexist of me, and I apologize)... But today I realized, I actually feel like less of a person.
I just want to be able to enjoy this physical aspect of life, especially since I used to have healthy masturbation habits. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today; I have fought so many demons, I have grieved for my childhood self, I have even forgiven her for molesting me just so I could move on. And now I feel like all that progress has been wiped off the map.
