Physical Looks

[Sean Simms]

I was always told how ugly I was by my perps and by my peers as a child. In respone I have always felt ashamed of my looks. The few good compliments I have gotten concern my hair length. It is long and I have a beard. I know I look good with those features but I am rather insecure about them. As if, I would be worthless if I didn't hide my face from the world. I have had short hair and no beard at several times in my adult life but always go back to growing more hair to hide myself. Anyone have similar experiences?

It gives me a lot of rage to think about such things.
Sean

 

[MikeNY]

Yes. Many people have had similar experiences. The feelings that you speak of also contribute to you escelating how bad it feels when you don't have them. When you are ready, cut and shave and hold your head high with pride. If you are uncomfortable, it shows, and reflects in how you treat yourself and how others react to you.

 

[Rustam]

Hi Sean,

I got the message I was ugly and internalised it. I was looking at my godchild once and thinking how beautiful she looked, she could feel how I felt and her little face beamed with delight. I couldnt help thinking that I was never looked at like that.

I hated my looks growing up, I thought nothing but a head transplant would make me acceptable. The truth is that I am not bad looking at all; when I left home I began to learn that. The abuse sent the message deep that I was an ugly piece of crap. Having lots of siblings all feeling equally ashamed we reinforced the belief; at school kids pick up on any vulnerability so the lie gets very believable.

James Baldwin wrote, when we look in the mirror all we see reflected is our state of mind if I feel ugly and ashamed I see an ugly guy looking back at me, on a better day I am happy with how I look.

In my twenties I did have a beard and shaggy look and wore clothes that I was inconspicuous in. Part of it was; I am ugly and I will make it appear that I dont care, another part being that I was afraid of too much attention.

I sure have been angry when I realise just how robbed of the truth of who I was/am. Perps are liars, I am fighting every rotten lie they told me and had me believe. I wont continue their dirty work for them. The anger is useful as it helps dump the lies and accept the far kinder truth

Rustam

 

[Lloydy]

I've had a beard since I was old enough to grow one, but now it's barely more than 'designer stubble', and I've only just had my hair cut short in the last couple of years - before it fell out.

Vanity has never been a major part of my life, until recently.
Now I have a couple of good suits, and like to wear them. And I will rarely go out looking scruffy. I even clean the oil from under my nails!

Twenty years ago I looked like a refugee from ZZ Top, because I didn't care, and I thought that nobody else cared how I looked.
What a difference some self-esteem makes?

Dave

 

[reality2k4]

I will admit, I must have looked in the mirror loads more times than a normal kid would, I always thought others could see what went on through my eyes.

I too was a pretty good looking kid, had the girls after me, like other kids, but to me at the time, I only ever looked ugly! It's not that I was ugly, but there was so much ugliness going on in my mind, that no-one could tell me otherwise.

I remember that I could suffer bouts of acute embarrassment, especially if anyone mentioned anything to do with sex, or abuse.

ste