Physical flashbacks and other people

[dark empathy]

Okay, doubtless because the hole thing is on my mind at the moment what with going through the truth project etc, I had a really bad experience today.
I was in the bank getting some cash out, the kew way to the desk was very narrow and I bashed my forehead on a pole. A fairly glancing blow, the kind that stings for about thirty seconds or so, nothing serious.

However that was one of the favourite hitting places during my abuse. I used to wander through corridors between lessons with my head down in case someone would walk past and randomly punch me in the head.

suddenly bang! smell of dust and old carpets, feeling of enclosed space and other bodies.

I haven't suffered many flashbacks, and usually takes only a second or two to get back to where I am, however then suddenly someone is grabbing my right hand and shoulder.

A man said "it's very narrow!"

Now, I suppose in some sense he's trying to help, albeit I have a hard time believing he was actually trying to help me rather than just behaving in a socially expected way towards a specimen of blindus weerdus (why the hell being disabled means I don't have a right to personal space and people prefer to grab rather than ask me if I'm alright I don't know).

I actively snapped at the man "I'm fine!" though for the tone I used I might as well have told him to fuck off.

he then asked me if I wanted to go to the counter before him, I said "no thanks!" frankly because I just needed to be left alone for thirty seconds to breathe, remind myself I wasn't fifteen anymore.

Part of me feels guilty for behaving like this, after all the man was trying to help, but I get sick of coping with people anyway, let alone when you add flashbacks ontop of this! I just can't cope with both!

My wife definitely understood this, for all she sees the man's motives more positively than I do, she even complemented me on the fact I was able to finish the rest of the shopping (again having to cope with people and be nice to the assistant!), rather than coming straight back!

God I'm so fucking sick of myself and of having all this crap to deal with! can't I just get over this?

 

[genedebs]

darkempthy,

The sick of self experience is common to me and many other survivors. People touch me for varios reasons, most recently a man at an AA meeting decided to straighten my shirt collar. I bristled and anxiety triggered a desire to punch him out. But, I was able to pause.

His invasion of my space was a quick trip of memory when one of my perps pushed the back of my head to accept his oral penetration. God, I nwanted to hurt him.

I guess this is just to say, you nare not alone.

God be with you

 

[UniversalBeing]

You are being too hard on yourself. You had a knee-jerk reaction due to a trigger. You did not harm anyone and you did not do anything bad or wrong. That other person will probably think you had a bad day. Don't beat yourself up for it.

 

[Ceremony]

Hi dark empathy, I'm glad about your wife being with you.

I'm sorry about that trigger and get that part very well.

 

[dark empathy]

Thanks guys.

What I think bothers me so often about touch from strangers is that it feels as if I have no space and no power over this.
People see someone disabled and just react in this way, often not thinking what they're doing.
I once had one really! irritating old man who repeatedly patted me on the shoulder as though I were a dog and spoke to me as if I were stupid.

people will just grab! and I mean grab and not ask and there is nothing I can do because guess what, no fucking eye contact means I'm not human.

The problem is part off me knows that some people probably mean this kindly, although to what extent it is actual kindness towards me! and to what extent just an expected social reaction I don't know, after all people are quite free to push and grab and such, less free to actually make friends or anything else, this is why i feel resentful about it and why it causes flashbacks, because it triggers my sense of powerlessness quite badly.

Actually the only thing that has helped with this is getting a guide dog, since oddly enough people are far nicer to Reever than to me, after all dogs are "normal!" where as blind people aren't.

The irony is my wife is one of the few blind people (the very few), who if anything the other way, she invites! touch and physical affection from everyone, indeed where I'm tactile defensive, she invites it, then again being and attractive helps of course.

Sorry this is a bad night and I do struggle to be positive about much anything at points like this.

Thanks for the sympathy it is appreciated.

Luke.

 

[CelloL]

It sounds to me like you did a good job handling the situation, considering the circumstances. I applaud you and think you are being tough on yourself, too. I can't imagine what it is like to be blind but I can imagine a lot of clueless people not understanding how to properly help a blind person.

I'm uncomfortable with people touching me as well, not from my sexual abuse but rather from bullying I experienced such as randomly getting slugged and less often kicked or tripped. An exception is that I have a blind massage therapist. Even though I'm normally uncomfortable with my body stripped down to my undershorts (under a sheet), his blindness reduces, even eliminates my embarrassment.

I also find hugs difficult. In December with the approaching holidays, I experienced several hugs from parents of my cello students. Somehow I'd like to become desensitized from the fear, conflict (why can't I welcome and enjoy their expression?), and awkwardness that I experience. At least I can see it coming, without eyesight I think some of my issues would be worse, although I don't know how that would affect agoraphobia.

 

[dark empathy]

Actually in this case Chelo the physical flashback wasn't about abuse specifically, there was a lot of casual physical violence too and that was what I flashed back to when I banged my head and the man grabbed me, so I definitely appreciate the problem.

I'm not sure if it counts as Agoraphobia, but I really don't like crowds or public places, especially in noisy environments. Some of this is undoubtedly practical, but a lot isn't, indeed since my abuse was public I'm always tenser and more upset in crowded situations with a lot of strangers.
Quite ironic that I've developed such a love of on stage performing, but then again stage feels safe to me where as often public situations, even on a crowded high street don't, I just feel lost and powerless in such places.

With hugs and physical affection generally that is one area where Mrs. Dark has helped a great deal, getting me used to the idea affection can be safe, however there is a huge difference in a hug from friend or family member and some random person deciding to pat or grab me in public.

Luke.