Phone Call With Bishop On Monday

[KMCINVA]

Well it is coming to a head at last. Just received word I will be having a call with the Bishop of the Diocese of Bridgeport on Monday. I have met and spoken the Bishop in the past except Monday we will be talking more specifics of the abuse and the abuser. Strangely, I have no qualms or reservations. I am going to tell the truth and talk about how he robbed me of the life I deserved. I will talk of the big brown door, the cellar where it happened, the boy who committed suicide, my suspected thoughts he abused my brother, the darkness that surrounded me when the abuse occurred as well as how I felt I left my body and watched myself being abused. I will tell of how I wandered a lifetime in dissociation, the syncope, the PTSD, and how every time I look at my arms I look at the scars as I would scratch myself until i bled during flashbacks to rid the sense of his touch and the pain I carry internally and the fear it will be with me to the end. I will tell how sad I become when I think of what he did to me and the others and how it sets me to cry.

I will be writing my thoughts for I know the emotions may not remain in check.

Kevin

 

[Nothing Man]

Kevin,

This is a major step forward and you have the right for your truth to be known. The Church needs to take responsibility for its abuser priests and I am glad that finally the diocese is becoming receptive to you and your story. You are very brave to do this. I hope good comes from this.

Mike

 

[physicsfriend]

Wow, I'm so impressed by your courage here. I don't know if I would be able to handle doing something like that, knowing full well that I might be dismissed or not taken seriously. I hope you have some good support systems in place in the event that this happens. The church has never been good at accepting accountability for the abuse that happened under their watch, and I wouldn't be surprised if this continues to hold true. Take care, and I'm hoping this brings you and many others some much-needed closure and/or justice.

 

[traveler]

Kevin -

Remember, you will have many of us fellow-survivors standing with you and behind you as you speak. the truth needs to be told. you can do it. we are so proud of you for coming so far and for striving to fight for the right. thank you.

Lee

 

[greenwizard]

I hope all goes well for you. I know well that talking about things in detail like that is very intimidating and anxiety producing, but you can do it.

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you guys. It will be an experience to say the least--basically one on one and for me to tell him the story. Ultimately in this investigation he holds the power. But for me, I am going to share all, I no longer have fear of sharing with him. I have told the story to the others in the Diocese who oversee the process and have found support. Clearly his reactions and words will be telling of his commitment to cleaning out the garbage in the Church. Overtime I plan on telling the story and I hope it not only continues to help me but to educate the ignorant in the church who still deny abuse and show disdain for survivors instead of compassion as well as to recognize the many kind and compassionate people who are there for us survivors. I know without the latter I would not be here today and if left solely with the ignorant I would not be here.

I began to write my thoughts this morning and reflecting is painful. I realize I have a pain that is so deep and too easily tapped. I began to cry but after I felt OK. I want my thoughts to be reflective of my emotions and the pain I have lived because of the bastard.

Thank you, your words help in a difficult but opportunistic time for me to heal.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Be well Kevin. Your journey is an especially complex one. Wishing all the best!!

 

[bluesky]

(((((Kevin)))))
You are a strong and gental man. A man of truth your posts say it all your feelings and your pain. You have honored us with sharing your life the good, sad and unimaginable. You are a warrior on a mission to reclaim your life. I give you my standing ovation and prayers for peace and healing. Good luck with the meeting and remember I and many others are with you, you are never alone.

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you and I have been crying all night--in a good way. I was talking with my friend, and god willing she will be here this coming weekend. She has a way to touch me as I read what I wrote. She said the pain in my words and to me the pain is in how I feel are evident. She said tell him what the abuser did and do not sugar coat it. I have and when I speak how orally and anally I was abused I cry. I have included a prayer I said to die as a child after the abuse. I remember where my bed was, the desk my father made from an old door and where I hid the prayer in my communion misslette and think how sad I was at that time. A 10 year old wanting not to wake in the morning. I cry when I read the prayer--not eloquent but how I felt.

I hope I hold it together tomorrow.

Kevin

 

[Tom E.]

Kevin,
Good luck with your meeting

 

[svssurvivor]

((((Kevin))))) were all here for you and willing you on. If anything you are giving me the strength and courage to do the same.

My abuser has since died so I will never get the chance to face him and tell him to his face but that doesn't mean I can't bring it to the church's attention.

I am blown away by your courage and calmness. You are an inspiration.

David

 

[Ceremony]

Thank you and I have been crying all night--in a good way. I was talking with my friend, and god willing she will be here this coming weekend. She has a way to touch me as I read what I wrote. She said the pain in my words and to me the pain is in how I feel are evident. She said tell him what the abuser did and do not sugar coat it. I have and when I speak how orally and anally I was abused I cry. I have included a prayer I said to die as a child after the abuse. I remember where my bed was, the desk my father made from an old door and where I hid the prayer in my communion misslette and think how sad I was at that time. A 10 year old wanting not to wake in the morning. I cry when I read the prayer--not eloquent but how I felt.

I hope I hold it together tomorrow.

Kevin

We're all with you, around you. I think a lot like you, and hope so much for you. Many, many are holding it together with you and for you, sitting with you, and know.

 

[motmcd]

Good luck today, Kevin. Thank you for your courage and inspiring me to keep at it. I'll be curious to hear how it goes.

 

[i-m-Bri]

(((Kevin)))
Thinking of you today.

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you for the kind words. Strange the call came from Ireland where the Bishop is speaking at the Irish Youth Conference and the Director of Safe Environments who was part of the call was in Connecticut. Strange there was a reference to Ireland in what I had to say. The call went on for some time. I did most of the talking by sharing the abuse and its impact on my life. At the end we talked about Ireland and the second part of his trip to Lourdes. He said in Lourdes he will be praying for me because Lourdes is the holy spot for healing of physical as well as ailments of the mind. He also said seeing Ireland was special to me, he would be offering a Mass there for my intentions.

I had a seven-page summary. I talked of the emotional and psychological impacts, the specifics of the abuse, the hospitalizations, the syncope, the dissociation, depression, anxiety, PTSD and self-harm. It helped me to realize how extensive the damage has been to me. I talked about my childhood, the prayer I wrote as a child and prayed hoping I would not wake the next morning, the kindness of many who have stood by and supported me and the ignorance of others who triggered and have failed to learn to understand trauma but are the first to judge. I told of my journey to tell the Church of the abuse when my mother died, which began 4 ½ years ago. I also told that I hoped the abuser will be held accountable for what he did to me, the boy that died of suicide, my brother and the other survivors who have come forward. I said I have no vengeance in my heart and no wish for ill harm to the abuse. I said I hope the abuser will repent, ask for forgiveness and reach out with what he has done to help other survivors.

I have talked with the Bishop in the past but never to the extent of disclosure I made today. It was a long conversation—he was kind, sympathetic and understood the emotional, psychological and physical issues trauma of this type of abuse can yield to a survivor. I was left to feel at ease. It is amazing how the Diocese has embraced the emotional, psychiatric and psychological aspects of the abuse. They are far ahead of others in the medical field who pontificate that these are not ailments of abuse. He invited me to Connecticut for lunch with him and the Director on my next visit to Connecticut.

I was emotional in my words, I had to pause at times to regain my composure because as I said the words images flashed in my head. I do not think the full depth of the pain will ever leave.

Now everything is complete and in the hands of the Diocese. What happens and when is the unknown. I feel a sense of relief for having told the whole story and the truth of the abuse.

I told several people, including limited family, the name of the abuser after the call. Just in case something ever happened to me. His name was meaningless to most but in the near future I could have restrictions on disclosure. At least his name is known by others. Prior to this only my friend knew the abuser’s name.

I thank you for your support. I had a difficult night’s sleep, thinking of all I wrote and have lived over the years. I hope this will allow me to sleep and not be continuously haunted by the memories and remain awake most of the night.

Kevin

 

[traveler]

(((((((Kevin)))))))

i am so, so, so proud of you! this is a milestone of MAJOR proportions, not only for you - but for other survivors and for the church as well.

regardless of the outcome, i hope you will realize what a huge victory your full disclosure is.

even the fact that you became very emotional during the call will have given proof of your honesty and sincerity.

i hope you will be able to rest and not worry about hearing back. you have done all that is humanly possible and put out a heroic effort against great opposition.

Lee

 

[physicsfriend]

I am glad that you were listened to with respect and you feel heard. This was such a big step! I sincerely hope for an outcome that brings justice and some closure for the survivors, including yourself. Thank you for speaking up!

 

[Elad1]

Kevin, you are a hero!

YOU belong
YOU are affirmed
YOU speak your truth
YOU are looked up to
YOU are a lucky one
YOU are a survivor
YOU are strong
YOU are sensitive
YOU are a traveler
YOU seek the truth
YOU stand tall
YOU are grace
YOU are compassionate
YOU are funny
YOU are kind
YOU seek peace and serenity
YOU are counted
YOU matter
YOU are needed

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you. Last night I fell asleep somewhere around 9:30 and did not wake until 4:00 am. It was peaceful and I have to say the body is not use to sleep and I am a bit sluggish this morning. But I feel good. I think knowing I have told the story to the person who in the end has the most authority in the Diocese was a relief. I had been dreading this for so long, despite having talked with him in the past and believing his sincerity to help survivors regain their lives.

Now time for me to think about the future and leave the past, but not let go completely because it is a part of me and I still have work to do on myself to fully recover.

I am not sure where I go next on this journey but I have no more to tell, no more hidden acts because I was honest yesterday as I have been since the beginning, but saying to the Bishop I was orally and anally abused, and I said no one no matter their age should ever be raped and it is a word I hate because it destroys the victim. I struggled when I talked about these aspects of the abuse but I never thought to stop or skip over, because those acts impacted me greatly and I am not ashamed because they were not my acts.

Thank you again--the support is always appreciated. I know I will have some setbacks and I know I can count on you!

Kevin

 

[motmcd]

Nice work, KMCINVA!!