Phone call, confusion, emotions (perhaps is small triggers)
Hello to here. I have the friend to help me write right now, so perhaps it do not be so terrible to try to understand what I say.
I have not talk so much, with my parents, in recent months. I never talk so much with my father anyway, I would talk with him maybe one or two times each year since I have been here. My mother, she would call a bit more often. She was calling quite frequent after a car accident some months ago, and I was just starting to realize of how I feel of things, and tell her to not call me. I finally even break the cell phone, which I know was quite stupid.
She has called few times on the house phone in last few weeks. I talk to her some. I am uncertain of her reasons to call, as even before we argue, she did not call so much. I guess I have suspicion of what her intents may be. She ask me how I am, how is my health, and I tell her it is been more difficult recently, that I will see several new doctors next week. I think I am being polite. She sound as she has concern. But then, she tell me I sound wrong to her. That she do not understand what is wrong with me, how I have 'turned' on her and speak to her with such anger in my voice. I was not aware, I was thinking I am being polite with her. She say, well, you argue with me two months ago, and you have not been the same since, and I have no idea what I have done wrong. She say she misses her son who always was so good to her. She say that she know it is busy time for me, and that she know I have 'moods' over a certain issue, but that is not this time of year, and why is it I am like this.
What do I say? I could completely attack her. I could completely yell and scream and lose control with her and tell her she is insane, she is perverse, she is everything a mother would never be. That would be of no effect. Is it possible, that these people who so damage us, they are capable of hearing it if we explain to them in reasonable way? And how even do we begin to speak it to them? Between her abuses and the violence from my father, I do not even recall when it began. How do I put the finger to it for her and say, well, on this day, you started this, and it is been wrong and damage to me ever since?
My mother, my parents, my sister, none of my family know that I engaged in not appropriate behavior when I leave home as a teenager. I think perhaps my sister suspect, as she is in reality and know that it is quite impossible for a 15 year old to survive 'on the street' without indignities. My mother does not believe she has abused me, I am quite sure, but does not know of the events that occured in that time away of home. My father would not care even if he do know. I do not know what to speak of to her. My sister, I will need to speak of some issues with her soon anyway, before it becomes public in court. But my mother, I do not know if I should bother to tell her this. I do not know if I should bother to explain to her what she did to me, how it was wrong, how it still is wrong to me. And I wonder, if I do, and then she hear of this other things, she will think only, oh, it was not I who damage you, but these other events.
It is not just I who get so very exhausted of all of this? It amazes me, how tiring it is to just try to get through the day 'normal', to try to show that you are all right and nothing so bad is happened. I am not sure what I am saying or thinking most of time, but I can pretend quite well I am fine. I have done it many years with physical pains. It is only nature now, with the emotional.
Is it possible, if I speak with her, she will be receptive of what I say, and perhaps even apologetic? Or would I be building myself up to further emotional trauma to even try? And if I do try to speak to her, how? What to say without making the person total defensive and closed off of what you are saying?
I will thank you for any responses or advice, as always, the kind words here help very much. Thank you.
VN
I have not talk so much, with my parents, in recent months. I never talk so much with my father anyway, I would talk with him maybe one or two times each year since I have been here. My mother, she would call a bit more often. She was calling quite frequent after a car accident some months ago, and I was just starting to realize of how I feel of things, and tell her to not call me. I finally even break the cell phone, which I know was quite stupid.
She has called few times on the house phone in last few weeks. I talk to her some. I am uncertain of her reasons to call, as even before we argue, she did not call so much. I guess I have suspicion of what her intents may be. She ask me how I am, how is my health, and I tell her it is been more difficult recently, that I will see several new doctors next week. I think I am being polite. She sound as she has concern. But then, she tell me I sound wrong to her. That she do not understand what is wrong with me, how I have 'turned' on her and speak to her with such anger in my voice. I was not aware, I was thinking I am being polite with her. She say, well, you argue with me two months ago, and you have not been the same since, and I have no idea what I have done wrong. She say she misses her son who always was so good to her. She say that she know it is busy time for me, and that she know I have 'moods' over a certain issue, but that is not this time of year, and why is it I am like this.
What do I say? I could completely attack her. I could completely yell and scream and lose control with her and tell her she is insane, she is perverse, she is everything a mother would never be. That would be of no effect. Is it possible, that these people who so damage us, they are capable of hearing it if we explain to them in reasonable way? And how even do we begin to speak it to them? Between her abuses and the violence from my father, I do not even recall when it began. How do I put the finger to it for her and say, well, on this day, you started this, and it is been wrong and damage to me ever since?
My mother, my parents, my sister, none of my family know that I engaged in not appropriate behavior when I leave home as a teenager. I think perhaps my sister suspect, as she is in reality and know that it is quite impossible for a 15 year old to survive 'on the street' without indignities. My mother does not believe she has abused me, I am quite sure, but does not know of the events that occured in that time away of home. My father would not care even if he do know. I do not know what to speak of to her. My sister, I will need to speak of some issues with her soon anyway, before it becomes public in court. But my mother, I do not know if I should bother to tell her this. I do not know if I should bother to explain to her what she did to me, how it was wrong, how it still is wrong to me. And I wonder, if I do, and then she hear of this other things, she will think only, oh, it was not I who damage you, but these other events.
It is not just I who get so very exhausted of all of this? It amazes me, how tiring it is to just try to get through the day 'normal', to try to show that you are all right and nothing so bad is happened. I am not sure what I am saying or thinking most of time, but I can pretend quite well I am fine. I have done it many years with physical pains. It is only nature now, with the emotional.
Is it possible, if I speak with her, she will be receptive of what I say, and perhaps even apologetic? Or would I be building myself up to further emotional trauma to even try? And if I do try to speak to her, how? What to say without making the person total defensive and closed off of what you are saying?
I will thank you for any responses or advice, as always, the kind words here help very much. Thank you.
VN
