Personality Disorder

[Littleblue]

Is it possible to at times when either the mood is slow or you just been intimate with your partner that you rebound and identify yourself as you did when the abuse first took place? Does anyone else have this happen? Sometimes you can’t face the past and other times you are reliving the past?

What do you think makes this happen?

 

[Sherlock]

I can relate to that: sometimes you're caught up reliving the past and other times you can't face it.
I toss between being stuck in the past, analyzing it and trying to come up with scenarios on how to escape certain situations even though that doesn't help anything. And other times something is so painful to confront my brain shuts off.

I guess I'm having a little trouble understanding what you mean.. what do you mean you identify yourself as you did when the abuse started? How have you identified yourself?
I know it can be really hard to find yourself and discover your identity without trauma let alone what you've been through.

I feel like we spend a lot of time trying to "find ourselves" when really we're meant to create our true self. Are you going to T? Has anyone ever mentioned a possibility of a personality disorder to you?

 

[Littleblue]

I just feel like i’m two different people. I don’t feel as though I’ve grown into who I am. It’s almost like I was ripped away from myself and part of me is still back there and part of me is here in the now.

Sometimes I feel exactly as I did then and other times I don’t and try and tackle things maturely.

Sometimes I can have a day where something reminds me of the old days and suddenly i’m finding myself sat on my bean bag in my bedroom playing super Mario with old music on eating junk food. Reliving the happier moments.
Other times i’m reliving the horrible moments

Then when things feel normal suddenly in adult me again and trying to make sense and move on. But then something happens and i’m transported back then and doing things I did back then.

Sometimes when i’m being intimate with my partner I feel as though we are having a healthy adult sex life. Other times I feel like the trapped little boy again trying to please everyone so it’s over.

It’s hard to explain it’s why I posted it to see if anyone can help me understand what i’m trying to explain

 

[Esterio]

I just feel like i’m two different people

Hi Little blue

I can relate to that and really I have proof I was seen as at least 2 people. When I was still going to school and to Air cadets. The school was trying to get rid of me. I had to go before the school board and had two letters one of support and that I was a good leader and showed a lot of promise to me a good person, that was from my commanding officer. Then there was the letter from the principle and according to him I was completely unmanageable and out of control causing trouble at every turn. When this happened I was living on the street and would have been able to go back home if I could get back into school. I have seen that in me a few times over my life. It is still there today I think only it manifests itself differently. As I am not that scared kid anymore. I am seen to day as a good caring person but also know to be explosive verbally abusive person. I can switch in a second and don't have control over anything.

 

[Sherlock]

I just feel like i’m two different people. I don’t feel as though I’ve grown into who I am. It’s almost like I was ripped away from myself and part of me is still back there and part of me is here in the now.

Sometimes I feel exactly as I did then and other times I don’t and try and tackle things maturely.

Sometimes I can have a day where something reminds me of the old days and suddenly i’m finding myself sat on my bean bag in my bedroom playing super Mario with old music on eating junk food. Reliving the happier moments.
Other times i’m reliving the horrible moments

Then when things feel normal suddenly in adult me again and trying to make sense and move on. But then something happens and i’m transported back then and doing things I did back then.

Sometimes when i’m being intimate with my partner I feel as though we are having a healthy adult sex life. Other times I feel like the trapped little boy again trying to please everyone so it’s over.

It’s hard to explain it’s why I posted it to see if anyone can help me understand what i’m trying to explain

That makes sense. I'm sorry it took me so long to understand.
I go through extreme ups and downs sometimes as well, sometimes I enjoy being intimate with my partner and sometimes it seems repulsive to me to even think about sex.
It always felt normal to me to switch from one extreme to another so often so I never really thought of it as odd until I started talking to others about it.
When you say you're "transported" it makes me think of "flashback". Sometimes when I have a flashback it feels as if I am reliving the trauma again, I can feel what's going on in my body and I think that's a result of PTSD. When the flashback is over I usually try to distract myself as much as possible to get it out of my head.
I also experience really vivid flashbacks that aren't so bad. I'll be driving in my car and a smell or a sound will snap me back to 4 years ago and it feels like I'm living in that moment in the past again but they're not always painful.
I feel like identity and personality are really influenced by CSA and it makes sense, trauma infiltrating your developing brain can throw a lot off. Your brain no longer focuses on developing it switches gears and focuses on keeping you alive.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

I wish I knew more but these symptoms could be characteristics of a couple different disorders like BPD and manic depression and PTSD. If you're concerned about that you should speak to a professional and get their opinion.