Personality disorder

Personality disorder
R

redman

Registrant
I've done a lot of research into myself and my personality and I am well aware I am different from most people, partially as a result of abuse, partially maybe just me.

The problem is that as an effect of being sexually abused I am beginning to think I am suffering from Schizoid Personality Disorder.

I know my parents and sister are concerned by my extreme introversion, cynicism and paranoid behavior.

Just waiting at the train station to go to work, with so many people about (especially women) leaves me feeling like a guitar string about to snap and I can feel my head 'buzzing' like it does when I'm about to have an epileptic seizure.

The only thing I want is to be left alone to study, and the fact that my family worry about this has me concerned.

I'm at a dead end. I don't want to waste time with a doctor who will just say 'take some of these and come back in six months', nor do I wish to carry on going through the paranoia and bouts of near catatonic depression that hit me every few weeks (the stress of which often makes me have epileptic fits).

I'm tearing my hair out as I don't know what to do.

I just want to be alone and stop the anxiety attacks and paranoia (paranoia which cost me several jobs). I don't hate people, I just feel better being alone.

*bangs his head against the wall in frustration*

I'm struggling to understand what is happening in my head.

I wish I was more articulate. I sound like a hypochondriac.

Should I go back to the doctor? Is it worth it? Counselling achieved nothing.

I'm confused (you may have noticed).
 
I matched up on Schizoid Personality traits as well. I took the tests online from different sources.
I write just to say I relate. I'm told self diagnosing isnt good, etc.
I dont trust doctors anymore because of the whole free-market, capitalist thing. In other words, I feel they are more motivated by money than by going to any extremes to help you out.
Like you, im anxious around others and feel better alone. Except, I really dont want to be alone but I also dont want to "bleed on other people" (know what I mean?). I have to spare myself from the hardship of facing another perception of my past, the inevitable sadness from even the smallest trace of history is too much.
If I felt this bad from being abused, why should any other feel this way?
Its like holding on to something that someone wants, or like a wound you cant show others because it will either make them run away or offer assistance - which, is not the kind of relationship i see myself having at this time.
(No, thats a lie- actually, i do want this relationship with someone - except with someone whose been there!)
The other traits of schizoid personality: of paranoia. Nothing is a conspiracy theory to me. All that can go wrong has. In my most sarcastic voice: "They need victims like us to make society docile" or "Wheres the inspiration to be a therapists if theres no one that needs therapy" then theres this one: "We need to keep a close eye on men who were abused because they usually turn out to be criminals" - yes, they are watching me....

I dont plan on doing anything about this condition other than keeping it locked away in the box where all the other baddies of life are stored.

As far as being a hypochondriac, ive got about 3 medical books where ive found myself having illnesses where I shouldve been dead by now.
I blame this on having to find my own way. Maybe thats with you? I dont know cause you said you got people worried about you. In my case, i'm the worrier for others and if they ever started to worry they'de rationalize ide be able to deal with it. It's true only because ive built that relationship with walls and masks. In other words, i'll give them no sign of damage.

Damn this was a long post. I dont blame you if you didnt read the whole thing.
But, good luck.
 
redman,

I dont know anything about schizoid persoanlitygobledygook. But i have been in therapy for about a year now. I didnt really notice at first weather it helped, but looking back on it I find I am a more centered person. If you really feel like counceling acheived nothing, you were probubly going to the wrong counselor. I realize that I am in the fortunate position that my health insurance pays for my therapy(well all but the $20 co-pay wich kinda hurts), I think if you can get the therapy take it. The worst thing that can come of it is you get someone listening to you for an hour at a time (which i have taken advantage of, spending one or two sessions just ranting about work or home life.) I wish you much luck in your healing.

-Aardvark
 
Thanks for the good wishes guys.

The one thing I dislike most is waiting at the train station in the morning (paranoia occasionally triggering brief 'strange' episodes later due to stress overload), closely followed by walking down the street.

Not that anyone would notice anything by looking at me though, although my colleagues at work give me some stick for being so humourless and an extreme introvert I know them well enough that I can laugh with them, although after a day at work I have an almost agressive need to be alone all evening to clean my mind of people.

As for the 'strange' episodes, I can look back and see where I was totally OTT with the paranoia and almost out of touch with reality.

Still... nothing like a good read to help recharge. Tune out of Planet Earth and being somewhere else for a while.

Best wishes to you too guys.
 
i think seeing a doctor is step one. ive taken a few courses on mood and personality disorders, and im not by any means an expert but it doesnt sound like schizoid PD to me. thats the danger of self diagnosing. the measures they use to diagnose personality disorders are far more in depth than taking a short quiz online or checking off a list of symptoms. soid strongly suggest you double check with a doctor before labelling yourself.
 
Well Redman, I can sympathize with that. I spent 4 years reading about nearly every disorder and syndrome in the book, fearing I had each and everyone. (maybe that's just a sign of paranoia, j/k) When I finally discovered the answer a few months ago. I discovered that all of these symptoms can be "merely" related to CSA. I had never imagined that CSA could cause all of the problems I had been suffering with all through life. (didn't even attribute any problems to CSA. I thought it was just something relatively harmless that happened to me once, and was all over years ago) And this could be the same with yourself - these "symptoms" could be just a result of CSA.

The important thing to remember is that these "syndromes" and "disorders" are simply a group of symptoms found in a person - a way to describe that specific group of symptoms. (A label) It's not a physical thing, not an actual thing in itself. I would just worry about the symptoms and not the labels themselves, if that all makes any sense to you.

And I suffer (alot lot less now) from the social phobias, anxieties, and paranoias myself. And would just rather be left alone, by myself. I have been trying to work on these things as best I can. Increasing my self-esteem with exercise, a better diet, and weightlifting. Trying to aquire the body I have always wanted. And other things, such as working on Assertiveness, which is something I have always lacked. Allowing me to stand up for myself, and my rights, instead of letting people run over me, or use me. My life has dramatically changed as a result of these things. I feel better (physically and mentally), and look better - people are more accepting of me, respectful to me, nicer to me, and people (especially women :) ) notice me more. It's like a new world that was always there and I never saw it before. The mind truly can change your reality. (what a cliche) And another cliche that helps is to remember that you are not so different from everyone else. We are just like them, and they are just like us.

I say try dealing with these individual symptoms, as they are the real problem. Not some label. True you may have a certain disorder or syndrome, but it most likely is just symptoms of your CSA haunting you. Though I certainly would not deter you from getting any professional help that you can recieve whatever the case may be. Hopefully my words have been of some help. Good Luck.
 
That was a very good and enlightening post, TheHermit.

As you say, perhaps this is due to CSA. Counselling didn't work, maybe the next step is therapy. I'll try seeing my doctor some time I think.

Symptoms...

1) Paranoia: This is more accurately described as acute self-conciousness. To cure? I don't know. Gradual exposure?

2) Hypersensitivity: no idea how to tackle this, it may be genetic.

3) depression: not too bad, I usually ignore it succesfully unless I am about to have an epileptic fit or having a bad spell.

4) Desire to be alone: It's just me. If I was an ordinary person I'd be out down the pub on a saturday night. I prefer to study and read (Raymond E. Feist, Serpent War Saga at the moment).

The only problem is this: I have no desire to be like everyone else, I still want to spend my time alone, I just want to be able to go to work in the morning without anxiety problems. I don't want people coming into my life and I don't want anything to do with women.

I take anti-epileptic medication, and it has unpleasant side effects (can activate latent psychosis, blood disorders (fatal) are side effects, albeit rare)

But... reading up on things, many people who have temporal lobe epilepsy can be eccentric to a degree (extreme example is Vincent van Gough).

Maybe time to see the doctor.

Thanks for the good wishes, and best of luck to you too.

Cheers
 
Though i've been over most of these disorders and syndromes, I didn't remember that exact one. So I looked up Schizoid Personality Disorder in the DSM-IV-TR book (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition Text Revision) to better understand exactly what disorder you were talking about. I myself can relate to nearly every aspect of that disorder, with the exceptions of: I do desire sexual experience. I'm not indifferent to approval or criticism of others, usually, but rather (as you say) hypersensitive to it. (or perceived slights by others)And I feel joy, and definitely feel anger.

But the most important thing about this disorder (in your case) in the DSM is (there's always an exception list) "Schizoid Personality Disorder should not be diagnosed if..............or it is due to the direct physiological effects of a neurological (e.g., temporal lobe epilepsy) [emphasis mine] or other general medical condition (Criterion B)"

I was previously unaware of your epilepsy, but as stated here, those symptoms could be related to your condition. In my case I think the symptoms stem from my sexual abuse, and my "feeling different", isolating myself for fear of being hurt by others etc. etc... Things I have (unfortunately) learned as a means of survival in this "cruel" world that i've experienced. Having the CSA and the epilepsy could be compounding these symptoms in your case, i'd think.
 
That's quite true, r.e. epilepsy. I am aware that in the build up to a grand-mal seizure I have weird mood swings, bordering on psychotic at times, but in the 'long dry spell' between seizures things are more 'ordinary' paranoid/avoidant.

I myself have no interest in sexual activity at all. I have an unhealty obsession with reading (esp. fantasy literature) and studying (I read over 1500 to 2000 pages a week).

Emotions... I only feel emotions 'by proxy', as it were, when engrossed in a story I'm hooked on, except for anxiety, paranoia and the pre-/post-ictal epilepsy shadows.

I've never thought much about that before, and the temporal lobe of the brain is involved in memory and emotion (closely linked to the limbic system). Interesting.
 
I do understand abbout feeling like that you are loosing your mind .
I was told several years ago that I was passive agresive and was some what bi-polar
But I believe that being raped my another man .And then being told to get over it can cause a great deal of stress to your mind .
My rape happened almost 29 years ago . it caused such a problem that I represed the memory for almost 25 years .They have ben treating me for about 10 years for extream depresion and anger issues . In 2002 I finaly snaped and got to spend 15 days in the Veterans hospital in Oklahoma City . What caused this break down
was that in looking through a army discharge med exam I found record of a restal gouge . this opened up the memory of being raped in the army
and every sense i have 5 tines the trouble that I had before.
NO AMOUNT OF COUNSLING OR DRUGS WILL MAKE YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU .
 
1500 to 2000 pages? wow. I read alot too, not that much though, but usually non-fictional things. I like to learn as many facts as I can about any subjects that interest me. And I love philosophy. But if that's what keeps you happy, I say keep at it. I myself have an unhealthy addiction to online computer games, and especially when it comes to fantasy role playing games. That's how I waste my time :) Trying to cut down on that some if I can.

Yeah, I think we can get pretty addicted to fantasy things easily.

As for passive-aggression... yes i've been that way most of my life. That's why i'm trying to learn some assertiveness which can help me recognze my passive aggression, and replace it with healthy assertiveness. It makes you feel so much better to be able to speak your mind, and state your needs etc. instead of holding in your anger, then secretly getting even with others when they do you wrong.

I was also told once by a pdoc that I "may" be Bi-Polar, but not sure on that one or not though. It does seem that I get depressed for many months at a time, then all of a sudden I wanna get up and go, and get everything in life accomplished in one day. But any (inevitable) setbacks can send me into another depression. I have to maintain my motivations somehow. Anyhow, so much to work on, I just take it a little at a time. And escape reality regularly. :)
 
I trained at the Masterson Institute in New York where the focus is on the psychotherapy of personality disorders. There are some excellent readings about the schizoid personality disorder in their book: Disorders Of The Self: New Therapeutic Horizons: The Masterson Approach by Ralph Klein (Editor), James F. Masterson (Editor).

I have worked with individuals who have that personality type and I know the feelings you describe. I also know that fundamental character change is possible. Schizoid persons suffer greatly but hide it from public view. They are very motivated to change but, aside from fearing change, tend to feel that their situation is hopeless.

Early trauma, especially the betrayal of love and the experience of being used and manipulated and treated as an object to be exploited all are common sources for the schizoid mantle that people have had to erect around themselves.

Dont give up on therapy. Find a therapist who understands you and will help you work through the defenses you describe and their source.

Murray Schane
 
*Thinking out loud*

I'm aware that I am different from people around me. Very much so.

They are slaves to social swings, their lives revolve around other peoples opinions and the need to conform and get attention.

I despise this and seek the certainty that I can disappear and not be noticed, be invisible and continue my own life as I am happy being alone. Being noticed meant abuse by peers, sexual (by girls, age 12-14), physical (by boys, age 12-17) and verbal/emotional (girls, boys, teachers, ever present from age 5 until I withdrew from social life age 23, because my extreme introversion and relative naivety made me an easy target ever since infants school).

The main reason for wanting to understand the damage done is to be able to stop the anxiety and paranoia and be able to truly forget other people and leave them behind for ever. I admit this is an eccentric attitude, possibly unhealthy.

But at the end of the day I just want to throw it all in the bin and go back to my books. A harmless and enjoyable obsession.
 
Redman,

being different from people around you can arise just from being a survivor. Add to it we are MALE survivors, and there is a whole added stigma and bunch of issues thrown at us.

But I would strongly suggest to you not to self-diagnose. We can read any number of things and be PTSD, DID, shizophrenic, psychotic, sociopathic, and hell, even PMS!

Seriously. There are tests that doctors/psychiatrists can do to help define our issues and attitudes, as well as any 'disorders' we may have. We are not the appropriate ones to diagnose ourselves or each other.

Take good care of yourself.

Leosha
 
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