Perpetrators & Shame

[HealingHope]

perpetrators & shame
I know I'm only a friend/family member but I wanted to share something I've been carrying for a long time. They're my own feelings about my survivors situation and battles as I feel & see them. I know his world is not my experience but it hurts so deeply seeing how his situation traps him day after day.
His perps manipulate him everyday, I see their manipulation as they try to bury their crimes by pretending they are immaculate. Truth is they are very very Sophisticated sociopaths and narcissists, extremely smart at weaving a web of deceit to trap my survivor to believe he is to blame & he's the one with the issues.
It's not my style to cast blame as I know it's a negative energy but I feel here I can say how I feel about what I see. I suspect they don't even know they have these disorders because everyone around them are terrified of challenging them or standing up for themselves, so just validate their behaviour. I sadly suspect they know it's now out of control ... their lies and actually don't know how to stop things so they are firmly in denial and projecting it onto my survivor.

Why am I sharing this? Well because with all the disfunction my survivor navigates each day, I still have hope and faith that he will break through and see that it Was and IS Not his fault.

Whilst he's been working on his healing I've been on my own journey, one of research and understanding. I came across an amazing book called 8 keys to trauma recovery. It's the most relatable and practical approach to recovery I've come across. One of the steps completely explained so much about shame. It explained that shame as so many survivors carry so so heavily is a survival response, one which is to tell us that what happened to them was/is wrong, totally wrong and that it is NOT ok. But we know the perps are sophisticated at making our survivors carry their shame. Yes, the perps shame! I so wanted to share this discovery in the hope that any survivor carrying shame? please know it is not your shame you carry but the shame of the perps acts onto you ...a primitive form of projection.
It is not you fault! It's not your shame but theirs! I hope so much that my own survivor can heal through the web of lies and threats he endures each day and finds his voice to speak out and stop carrying the shame blame he's been brainwashed in believing is his doing.
I hope I haven't spoken out of turn, I just needed to get this out.

 

[Bowierocks]

Great post .. You are very right that they are masters at saying its the survivors issues and not ours .. Just thinking about confronting him again with a laundry list of all the mental and physical aftermath he left .. Already told him that it is time to take his shame back and it's been rotting with me for 35 years .. When I told him via text and cut off all communication for the past 1 and 1/2 years ( older brother ) I was afraid he would commit suicide .Not a chance , he said f--k that... That is the heart of it ; I have always been worried about him and not me ... When I tell other friends they give the usual forgive him .. But damn it , that's the thinking that got me here in the first place .. How about forgive myself for being too young to know what's going on and just wanting to stop the violence .. I remember him saying after one episode of torture that I was going to need years of therapy .. He was right , but he's malignant and I am stronger , still married , not addicted anymore , my son is close to me where his doesn't talk to him , more successful etc . So he tried to take my power but in the end I grew... Anyway that's my manifesto.. I forgive myself , I want reparations .

 

[Sterling]

Thanks HealingHope !
It was nice to read this. I can see you would ( or are)
be a very responsible parent!
Thanks again.

James

 

[HealingHope]

Thank you both for reading and for your comments, it means alot

 

[HealingHope]

I wanted to add another element to my understanding of overcoming shame that I've just read. The author talks about shame being a deep emotion massively connected with others and the only way it can be dissipated, he says is my connecting with a supportive friend who can help you see that the abuse was not your fault, what happened to you was horrific, and the perps shame is not yours but theirs entirely. The author says without this, shame goes hand in hand with isolation. This struck me as being so true, having read so many posts here of how isolated survivors feel.
It also supports why having this place helps so much because everyone here gives that supportive connection so many don't have outside. Bit of a ramble but it's so helpful to process my own understanding here

 

[Bluedogone]

Excellent posts, HealingHope. Thank you.

Shame and isolation are two of the most insidious, and most often stated, things the abuse survivor overcomes.

Your survivor is most fortunate to have you on his side. So often there is denial or simply a turning away from dealing with what has to be met head on.

 

[HealingHope]

Thanks bluedogone, I'm just doing all I can to make it easier for him, if he reconnects.