Penis Fixation ** Possible Triggers


This is a good post. At 7 years old I had my first sexual fantasy, about a little boy on TV, it gave me a woody thinking of us together naked. I was molested by my uncle 1-2 years later. I guess I knew I was gay from that first sexual fantasy, I also enjoyed the sex with my uncle because it was pleasant at the time. But it caused me a lot of shame and guilt. I even tried to seduce him later on when I was 15 but nothing happened and I was angry because I felt rejected. I had a lot of anonymous sexual experiences with males but I didn't want to be gay. I even married trying to be "normal". Of course it didn't work out because I eventually started the fantasies about men when I had sex with my wife. I blamed my uncle for "making" me gay from the molestation, but when I remembered that first fantasy, I stopped the blame game and accepted myself as I was, a Gay man. I am in therapy to alleviate the shame and guilt I've carried from the molestation and the actions that it created in my life. I became a sexual addict, seducing a lot of men just for the sex and then feeling guilty afterwards. All the long term relationships I've had with men have not been healthy, from both me and them. I have not had a relationship for 6 years and I have learned about what I would really like to have in a relationship besides just the sexual part. I also still have fantasies of being that 8-9 year old boy pleasing a grown man and getting off on it handling a man's penis. But it is something I am working on in therapy but sometimes it has a strong hold on me. I guess I don't see it as trying to have control of the molestation. It took me a long time to accept it as abuse because I liked it so much. It wasn't painful but pleasurable. I guess it's just one more thing to talk to my T about. I have had some good sexual experiences with men though that didn't involve recreating this abuse, just healthy sex.