Patterns

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Y'all,

I've been noticing a pattern that seems to repeat itself fairly regularly. I have a habit of being attracted to and/or allowing into my life women who are deeply angry. Usually there is a sexual charge to their anger. Something in me fails to see the signs of their anger until its too late and then I'm dealing with a massive amount of fear and pain that generally expresses itself physically (I get really sick). I seem to behave in a way that would suggest I think I can fix their anger if only I'm charming enough, or doing what they would like for most men to do. It comes at the cost of judging and repressing important parts of myself (my fear, my "No", my sexuality, my anger).

As for the men in my life, they are typically uninterested in my needs unless, of course, they are professionals.

I've been reading Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame that Binds You". He talks about "Fantasy Bonds". These are the fantasy relationships we create with parents in our youth to blame ourselves for how we were treated and turn our parents into godlike creatures that couldn't possibly be hurtful. I think that mine are still quite active in myself.

It's like I have a hard time believing that my core infant needs could be ignored so totally by the people who were supposed to be providing them. It's an extremely painful and frustrating reality. Bradshaw says that until we fully feel the pain and grief associated with that abandonment, we just keep repeating the pattern.

This is painful stuff and I'm quite isolated. What a job to face this!

Do any of you experience similar patterns in your life?

Cheers,

GAATT

 

[focusedbody]

Hey, Gaatt:

Glad you mentioned this. Yes, I think fantasy bonds and the resulting fantasy relationships can cause problems.

So maybe what you have to ask yourself is whether the fantasy involves anger in a woman. For me the answer would probably be yes because Mom being angry enough could help me be shielded from the anger of men in my family.

So ultimately it seems that we do have to grieve and come to some understanding of ourselves and our own anger. I believe that over time the relationship with our own anger can become healthy. But it is also true that this has required some courage and trust on my part, particularly in expressing it and finding out when I did it in a healthy way.

From what I have read elsewhere, men are often angry about feeling ashamed. For me this is an example of an unhealthy anger. So shame has to unfortunately be worked through in order to experience anger in ways that are more realistically reflecting a present situation, and not just reacting to the presence of shame in it.

This has meant taking a lot more responsibility for my feelings and for being in touch with them. Hard work but worth it.

Hope you can continue to be aware of what is coming your way.

FB

 

[dark empathy]

One thing I also wonder Gaat in terms of the people we tend to become close to is your self perception in this, ie, as the target of other's anger. I've noticed myself often I will take the roll of brother confessor or councillor, and be there while others (especially women), express their anger about their partners or circumstances and I get the feeling that in myself my need to be needed caused me to always be perceived more as a stranger others could talk to and spend time with and leave, than as a long term friend or partner (the lack of eyeballs and weerd blind man syndrome didn't help either).

It's only now that I have a relationship where I can! be needed in a healthy sense and in turn need someone else that I can start to recognize that my interactions with others were so often on the basis of me wanting to be needed, or of others who didn't quite offer what I wanted or expcted in as streight forward a way as possible.

Eg, by a total irony, only now I've found! the very thing i wanted has one female friend said to me "I was always interested", and my lady has pointed out that many of my friends "love me"

I always equated myself "love" with being needed, which might actually go back to my parents (my mum especially), and only now that I have that part of my life satisfied can I perceive the way I am! interacting with others and in particular, what others believe about me, indeed it's an irony that my empathy which has wlays been my tool of social exceptance and my weapon in my struggle to be needed has never told me that others might value me anyway.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Wow! Focusedbody, This is great stuff! Thanks for your post.

For me the answer would probably be yes because Mom being angry enough could help me be shielded from the anger of men in my family.

This is interesting. I'm aware that my father was the only one allowed to express anger in my family and certainly there was a competitive aspect to my connection with my father that was basically me trying to get what I could of survival related needs from my mother (a very limited supply and the ONLY source for me). He was also quite comfortable with aggression and very reluctant to express physical or emotional nurturing.

My mother expressed her anger (she didn't actually speak it. I could just tell she was very angry) while trying to educate my brother and I about sex. I'm now wondering if this anger was at my father for having failed to take on this task himself. She did post a poster that was clearly showing a general female anger at male sexuality. I assumed that it was about male sexuality in general and hence my own.

From what I have read elsewhere, men are often angry about feeling ashamed.

This is so bang on what I am currently healing in myself, its uncanny. Thanks FB. I was reading Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame That Binds You" and watching Brene Brown videos on shame (see: 1.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7E
2.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEBjNv5M784
and 3.https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en).
I'm seeing that I have a hard time sorting out the difference between a shame inducing environment (focus on Secrecy, Silence, and Judgement (i.e. my family of birth and most of the community where I live) and a shame healing social environment (containing empathy like this forum)).

What a relief to know the difference! I recently shared my thoughts in a Facebook thread that was clearly hostile to men and then was totally surprised when I got blasted by a fundamentalist feminist. At least I now know what to look for.

Thanks for your thoughts FB. My body is starting to show signs of improvement this morning. Phew! relief. When my body starts to slide the terror I feel is intense.

Sincerely,

GAATT

 

[SubtleStuff]

HI Dark Empathy,

I always equated myself "love" with being needed,

This is quite close to the relationship I had with my mother. She went through severe emotional crises when I was very young and was apparently not all that happy sexually either. So I positioned myself as an ally with her against a hostile world and paid for it with my sexuality and my anger. It was the only way I could secure the basic nurturing that a child needs in order to survive. It came at a big cost, however, that became apparent once I became severely ill with an autoimmune illness.

Thanks for your thoughts! I'm glad that your partner is so supportive of you

Cheers,

GAATT