Patience

Patience
C

Cecilia

Registrant
Hi,

My husband left Monday morning and has not been in touch with either me or my daughters. This is not unusual for him, but it is hurtful to me. I think he "goes to the woods" and finds comfort in his isolation. But, then, he can't seem to comprehend that I am left wondering what he is thinking or doing. As I have mentioned, I have actually done well with the break from his emotional and verbal abuse of me, but after a while my own fears of betrayal and abandonment kick in and cloud my own feelings or knowing about how to respond to him. Plus, he loves his children and I want them to be able to see him and vice versa.

Just to clarify one thing, too. I have mentioned his legal trouble. It has nothing to do with any sort of perpetuation of sexual abuse on his part. I just wanted to make that clear. I know that the majority of abused men do not go on to be abusers of children, but I didn't want anyone to wonder if that was what I was facing with him.

He is very gentle with children. But, his fears about the world lead to a sort of crazy, overprotetivenss. I can never be a perfect enough mom for him.

Cecilia
 
Cecilia,

I can understand what your husband is doing - he gets to feeling overwhelmed and just needs to escape sometimes.

There are two problems with this. The first is that this is not a positive approach to his problems: it's an escape from them, and a drastic escape at that. It doesn't contribute to recovery, but rather just allows him to temporarily dodge the issues that need to be addressed. But this doesn't solve anything. Does he plan to do this for the rest of his life?

The other problem is its impact on his family. At the end of the day, escaping to the woods is a pretty selfish approach to things. Perhaps he doesn't realize this, but if that's the case then he needs to be told.

Have you told him how you feel about this and what it does to you? He needs to know this leaves you to guess at what he is doing and why, and even to wonder whether he will return. Failure even to call and report he is okay is pretty callous, regardless of how bad he is hurting. If he loves his kids he needs to know how harmful it is when Dad just disappears and then doesn't get in touch. What are they to conclude from that?

I really don't know how you should respond in specific terms, but it seems there needs to be some honest talking between the two of you. It's no life at all to have a partner who is emotionally and verbally abusive and then disappears when he needs to. It sounds to me like you need to think about what your boundaries are, how much turmoil you can cope with, and under what terms. Right now it sounds like the relationship amounts to him doing as he pleases and leaving you to cope. I'm not sure I see why you should accept that, or how it's healthy for the children to have to deal with this either.

Much love,
Larry
 
Cecilia,

I have to agree with everything Larry said. Loving your husband and wanting to help him do not mean that all else goes out the window. You're a person - a woman with her life and the lives of her children to live and care for. You have control of that. You're husband will either choose to be a part of that or not. If he wants in, then he has responsibilities that have to be met. You telling him that and then adhering to the boundaries you set is not hurting him, it's helping you and ultimately him.

If he wants in and is willing to work with you in making a family, you sound like you are more than willing to be his support. That's pretty amazing and if he can't see that you can't make him.

Patience has nothing whatsoever to do with this. You don't have to be patient with someone who only takes when he needs and then disappears, leaving you holding the bag.

I know this sounds harsh - I guess I'm getting angry for you because I don't think you're angry enough. Take care of yourself and your children first. You love your husband but he has the responsibility to respect that love.

ROCK ON............Trish
 
Thank you for your reply. Coming to this site and hearing all of these voices from all around the world is very heartening.
I feel like I don't know how to disengage from the negative parts of my relationship with my husband without causing him to feel rejected. When he feels rejected, he feels betrayed, which makes him feel unloveable, which makes him feel . . .it goes on and on.
But, I feel like I am drowning in HIS misery. I have had my own and I recognize his path but I can't take backwards steps. I have worked so hard to get where I am (back in law school after fifteen years out of college) and I am proud of myself.
I wish he could utilize this site, too. I told him about it. He could read the posts, but, as I mentioned in another post his educational skills were impaired by his abuse which began when he was so, so little. He has a very difficult time writing words. He can read and his curiousity and hunger for knowledge is huge . . . I think that is part of what attracted him to me because I do value the pursuit of knowledge . . . but now he resents me for that very same thing.
 
Hi Cecilia,

wow, that is such great advice from Larry and Trish!!

I think you have to be careful not to be emotionally blackmailed from what you just said in last post. It all sounds soooooo familiar to me. I spent years running after bf appologising/offering my love in order to 'make up' for how horrible I'd been. But now I'm starting to realise I wasn't horrible at all! You're not rejecting him, you're simply pointing out some of the behaviors which are hurtful and unacceptable to you. Can I ask, when he feels rejected, what do you do?

Once recently when my bf did a similar reaction to something fairly mild I'd said, I stood up and said, 'If you don't want to talk about this properly, I am leaving the room. I will not be made to feel I've been terrible to you, when all I've said is my opinion about something'. It was a first for me, in the sense that I broke a pattern of 'long tedious downward circle conversation, with him looking hurt etc' and I didn't end up angry. Just stood my ground in a solid kind of way. I was really nervous though! After when I came back in the room, he seemed to have sorted himself out and actually appologised!

Don't know if that's any use to you, but I have had to put my foot down about all kinds of things. Although mostly in a fairly gentle way. I suppose it's how you communicate that counts. Also, if you don't make sure you address the things which are making you sad, it will lead to resentment and that's no good. I would say gently but firmly persist.

good luck!

beccy

peace
 
Cecilia,

Just a brief post to illustrate how one-sided things are in your relationship at present:

I feel like I don't know how to disengage from the negative parts of my relationship with my husband without causing him to feel rejected.
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"CAUSING him to feel rejected"? If you honestly state how all this is harming you, the children and your relationship, and then he feels rejected, you are to blame for that?

This is part of the emotional blackmail of a situation like this. The survivor, even if he doesn't realize it, is in a way playing cards with his partner, but both know he has the ace of trumps - his own pain - and can throw that down any time he needs to and cancel out whatever his partner wants, needs or feels. That can't possibly be the basis for 1) his recovery, or 2) her sense of worth as a person, or 3) their future together.

Untimately the survivor needs to accept that he has to take risks and move forward - without any assurance that he can withdraw at the first sign of a difficulty or challenge. Ordinary life is like that all the time. The situation doesn't change just because one has been catastrophically hurt as a child. Genuine help for a survivor means encouraging him to take the steps that are actually good for him, not facilitating his old and unhealthy escape mechanisms.

Much love,
Larry
 
Cecilia,

I'm also getting angry on your behalf over here.

But, his fears about the world lead to a sort of crazy, overprotetivenss. I can never be a perfect enough mom for him.
Click to expand...
How DARE any parent who walks away from his family for days at a time tell you that you are not doing a good enough job with the kids.

I'm sorry. I know that probably doesn't help your situation any. You just sound so hurt and it seems so undeserved. Your posts are full of "my" "me" and "him" "his" but so few "our"s.

Yes, it is hard, but you have to clear the unhealthy ways of relating out of your lives before anything healthy can replace them. Just like getting the weeds out of a garden.

I think beccy's example of how to stop a negative cycle without rejecting is great. She didn't let her boyfriend sidetrack her into making it personal; she kept it about the behavior that troubled her and about what SHE was going to do-- not about what she wanted him to do.

The negative pattern that Larry mentions-- allowing the "trump card" of abuse to derail a conversation about the other person's needs-- is one that we've had to work on in our house. We were getting into a pattern where I would bring up something that was bothering me and he would bring up an issue of his, and then just want to talk about that. I have had to tell him, "We were talking about X... I'll be happy to talk about Y with you later." and then not engage in any more conversation about Y.

Cecilia, are these examples helping you? Is this the sort of thing you meant when you said that you were having a hard time breaking away from his negative behavior?
 
Hi Cecilia, when able tell your husband that,(He has a very difficult time writing words), is not a good excuse for not writing here! I tend to think very logically, spelling rules just confuse me, there is no logic to them, and the teachers could never tell me why we needed a exception to a rule, other than because! The fact that I went to 14 schools between first grade and tenth grade may have also helped with my spelling problem.
What I do is I have the Google toolbar installed in my browser, it has a very good spelling checker. I always spellcheck just before I post. I always find misspell words, but it don't slow me down, I have been silent for way to long.

Take care,
Clifford
 
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