Pathetic and (most likely) bathetic ramblings

Pathetic and (most likely) bathetic ramblings
D

despair

New Registrant
I dont quite know where to begin, and I apologize in advance for taking up someones time with what will be, most likely, nonsensical ramblings.

I happened across this website, and in reading the posts here, I am amazed at the support and compassion that has been shown to suffering people. I did not realize such a thing existed.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse, and have always felt afraid, furious, and alone. I cannot trust anyone, not my wife, not God, not even myself. I find myself as a person who believes in the Christian faith, but who prays for oblivion, as no heaven could be good enough to warrant the pain of a continued and continual existence.

I thought I had it beat. I thought I had gone through the fire, and was through. Then I looked in the mirror, and I saw the scars.

It does my heart good to see the people here help one another. It makes me feel, which is a very rare occurrence these days, or at least, something other than fury, shame, or agony.

I dont know where Im going with this. I guess I just want someone to hear me, even if it is a stranger. More importantly, I want someone to hear me that actually understands what Im talking about.

Ill shut up soon, and again, I apologize, but I just cant take it anymore.

I thought I was doing well. In the last two years, I graduated college, got married to the woman I love, got a semi-decent job, and bought a house. I had friends, more than I had in almost a decade, and I was actually trying. Then it all hit me.

Im running away again, like Ive done so often. I ended most of my friendships the last couple of weeks. Ive acted like an asshole to my wife, the only person whos ever loved me on this world, and I know she wont take much more of it. Im letting my bills pile up. I have to forcibly restrain myself from getting myself fired, and I dont care if I lose this job or not anymore. Im giving up, and I dont care anymore.

Ive almost killed myself a lot over the years. Its been on my mind these last few weeks more and more. I think Im getting ready for it, dropping all ties to everything around me. I dont know, I think Im too much of a coward to physically die, because Im afraid there will be eternal life on the other side, and an infinity of life is enough to make me retch. But Ill die inside, and rot the rest of the days Im alive. Its already began. I havent acted or written, two of my favorite things in the world to do, for years. Its just a matter of time, now.

Im sorry for wasting all of your time with this. Ive tried therapy, and I find it just isnt for me. I truly hope each of you finds nothing but peace, love, and serenity, for you all deserve it. I deserve it, too, but it just isnt there, and I cant make it.

If anyones still reading, thank you for reading this. I wish I could trust people enough to let them in, and to believe that they actually wanted to help me. But its too late in the day, and I give up. Peace.
 
dont know where Im going with this. I guess I just want someone to hear me, even if it is a stranger. More importantly, I want someone to hear me that actually understands what Im talking about.
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Despair each and every one of us here understands what you face. What we cannot understand is how you feel.

Now I sent you a pm and welcomed you and I know you received it.

Do not think you are alone in your feelings.

I always thought that I was a piece of shit and good for only one thing. If I started to be sucessful or do something good I set about to destroy it. Why? Because I was a piece of shit and did not deserve to have anything worthwhile. So after I destroyed it I could reaffirm my conviction that I was a piece of shit. What a damned merry go round. And it sounds like you are on one.

Now I will tell you something that you deserve to know. You are a far better person than you perp or perps can ever hope to be. The evil of SA can be terrible.

Suicide . I think that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Despair I tried it three times and the one time I thought I had been sucessful I never wanted to live more than I did right then. Also suicide shuts us up forever and that is what the perps all want.

Now you have to understand that the woman who loves and married you is in love with who you are and not what happened to you.

I have been married for 36 years to the same woman and did not tell her until we had been married fo almost 33 years. God what a waste. I thought I had it beat to. But all my life I tried to destroy anything worthwhile. I started in therapy at 56.

I am so proud of you for seeking help at a far earlier age.

And there is a life after SA. I would suggest that you maybe let your lovely wife know what is going on inside you. She will not hate you. You dont have to go into the gory details. She is your life partner. Quite frankly I dont know why my wife stayed with me. Well actually I do. She really loves me.

Your behavior is so much like everyone elses here. The thing to remember is that you will never be alone again with your "DIRTY LITTLE SECRET" WELL LET ME TELL YOU MY BROTHER IT NEVER WAS YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET IT WAS THEIRS. AND IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT NOT EVER . YOU GOT THAT.

It happens to 1 in 6 males and that means there are a hell of a lot of us who have not found us.

Another option is maybe to let your wife have access to MaleSurvivor to read what effects it has on men and how we try to cope without healing.

Another thing Despair is that the friends you made was a result of them like the person you are when you are not in the self destruct mode. And believe me we have all been there at one time or another.

I hope this helps. I know you are full of rage shame guilt and agony but my brother save the rage for who it belongs to which is NOT YOURSELF and there is no shame or guilt in what happened to you. Someone abused you. It is their shame. Agony yes I can see because you dont know where to turn or what to do. But really you do know where to turn. You have come to us. You will find on the front page of Malesurvivor lots and lots of information under various headings that are of great benefit to me.

REMEMBER DESPAIR THEIR ARE A LEGION OF STRONG SHOULDERS TO LEAN ON HERE.

STICK WITH US MY BROTHER
 
Thank you for your reply to my post, and for what you have said. I appreciate your caring enough to respond, and for the encouragement you gave me.

My wife knows about my abuse, but I dont think she has any idea of what that means; your suggestion of her reading this site is an excellent one, and one I am going to take.

I hope I can eventually figure out what the heck Im going to do, and how to cope with my problems. I dont know what Ill do. But at any rate, thank you.
 
Thank you and remember that we are here 24 7 365. Everything may seem black at the moment but we will help you into the sunlight.


Be gentle with yourself and keep those friends you have on the outside so to speak. Good friends are so hard to find. You have a great bunch of friends here I guarantee it.
 
Hang on. Its good you've come here. There's lots of support. Hard as it may be to believe (I know it was hard for me to begin with) most of the guys here understand first hand some of what you are talking about and a lot of them have had pretty much exactly the same experiences.

Our abuse experiences may differ but the effects of them are virtually identical. Those who abused us have done us great damage. For a long time I thought my situation was hopeless. I experienced despair a lot of the time and still do sometimes.

But being here has made a world of diffence to me. I think the isolation we feel is one of the worst effects of the abuse. Its like absolutely no one can understand, even those closest to us and who care most about us. But that really isn't true. The number one thing I've found here with the help and support of the guys here is Hope.

I still think of suicide but then I remember the guys here and that thought is altered. As desperate as I feel about escaping the pain I know that I have experienced hope here and that carries me through (it did this weekend and several times before, anyway).

It took me quite a while to find a therapist that fit me right. And it was hard for a long time because I felt so rotten about myself, so hopeless and beyond help. It was hard to see how a therapist might help me. I didn't really see it at the time but I was having a hard time figuring out what I wanted from a therapist (beyond a release from the pain) and in no way was I able to advocate for myself.

Keep looking. There are a lot of therapists out there.

Support groups are good too. MaleSurvivor is sort of a new brand of support group, huge and cyber. There may be traditional male abuse survivor groups in your area. It will help to have the support of other guys along with the help of your wife.

Hope some of this helps. It helps me to try to help and I hope you gain something from it too.

I spent years working in theatre and did some writing too. Bet we could share a lot of theatre stories, there are always theatre stories, aren't there?

PM me if you feel the urge.

Brett
 
My brother,

Yes, I hear you. We all hear you, because we've all felt the pain you feel.

We feel it in different ways, but as the wise man once said, does it matter if the flames in hell are a million degrees or a billion? It still hurts.

I feel the pain you've suffered, because it come through in your post. Believe me when I say I wish you didn't have to suffer it and I hate the person who abused you, even though I've never met them. I wish life wasn't so hard for you and that you can't trust right now, because I've been there too.

I wish I could say that it will get better faster, but I can't. I can say that there's a great bunch of guys here and a lot of wisdom to tap in to. Even shoulders to cry on, should you need it. That you're looking for help is a good thing, because it shows you haven't lost hope, and hope is the one thing that can make it through. It's saved my life a number of times, including this morning, when I was hit by such a wave of deapair that I wanted to die. Just die. My life is a shambles right now, and I know what you're talking about when you say that you feel there isn't any hope. There is, my brother. You just have to look for it and hang on.

Hang on, and talk. Talking frees you of the shame and control these abusive morons gave to you. It's a lie you know, everything they told you. Talking can make you free.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the other brothers if you need to. We're here and we care. I care.

I say this to everyone here I meet, but it sometimes makes them uncomfortable. Believe me when I say I mean it in the simplest way. I love you, my brother. No strings attached and nothing in return.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
despair,
i hear you as well. there have been many times in the last few months of my recovery when i have just wanted to give up. there is so much that is coming up from the well of my forgotten memories that sometimes it is just overwhelming. at times i feel like i am just doing circles and coming right back to that fork in the road that i could have sworn i crossed so long ago. it helps to reach out to others who have been therre and that are still there in many respects. the journey of recovery from someone's evil like sa is a lifelong one full of rediscoveries and also of new discoveries. rediscovering the past, and discovering the present, such as your wife. i would be nowhere were it not for lady theo. as your wife comes to understand some things she cannot at the moment she will grow to be your staunchest advocate since the love is already there. pm me if you need to, despair, and welcome to the brotherhood of survivors.
 
My Fellow Survivor,
welcome here. Sorry you had to find us b/c of what happened to you, but so glad you found us! I've been married over 20 yrs and just within the last month told my wife what happend to my as a 9yr old boy. Never told anyone before. Was only able to do it after reading about and recieving support from the others here. it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm gald I did it.
But following that so many waves of emotions flew over me.
Rage, anger, dispair, depression, on and on. Lack of desire for relationships, wanting to tell the boss or who ever to take this job and $%#@ it.
But I found that here with this group of men I can express my fears and doubts and anger and rage. Here, none of us walks alone. There is great strength and much wisdom in that.
I've got nothing fancy to say other then hold on my brother. For one more moment that will build into an hour to a day and on it goes. There is good in the world, and in you.
Fight for it.
Peace be with all of us.
printer
 
Though I'm living it myself and see it here every day, the sheer enormity of the pain we've been left with never ceases to amaze me. I am also continually amazed at the strength of the men who find this place and then conjure the courage to share their pain with strangers. You fall into that category Despair. And, as you can see from the posts before mine, we're really not strangers. We share a great deal.

The usual refrain for people first coming here goes something like this: I am so sorry you need this place but so happy you found it. I know I speak for every member here when I say that. I am sorry you need to be here, but you do, so do I, so do we all...and you're here, finally!! You are reaching for help, for understanding, for hope. I think you'll find all of those things here. Just knowing that I was not alone anymore gave me a huge lift, I hope some of the burden has been lifted for you today.

It does my heart good to see the people here help one another. It makes me feel, which is a very rare occurrence these days, or at least, something other than fury, shame, or agony.
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That's a start. When I triggered a few months ago, even though I'd always known what happened to me, I started to really feel. And it hurt like hell, still does sometimes. I felt like I cried for weeks. What a relief, what a purge. Let it happen if you can. Let yourself feel.

I thought I was doing well. In the last two years, I graduated college, got married to the woman I love, got a semi-decent job, and bought a house. I had friends, more than I had in almost a decade, and I was actually trying.
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WOW!! Talk about strength. What you're going through now does not negate these acheivements. This is something you've been dealing with for a long time, yet you found a way to persevere. There is a strength inside each of us that is seemingly inexplicable, some sort of strength that 'normal' people don't seem to possess. I say that because they can achieve similar goals, and they do, but they did it without the pain you and I and we suffer. Look at these things you've accomplished and be proud, difficult as that may seem, you have much to be proud of. You say that now you find yourself running away again. I see you running toward a new beginning. Why else would you have come here and shared your pain with us? You found the right place.

I will echo what has been said in above posts:
It was not your fault. It was never your fault. You did nothing wrong. Believe these words and keep repeating them to yourself. The more you hear it, the more it will make sense because it is true!!!

I hope you keep coming back here. Read what you can, share when you can. I find that when I attempt to help others who feel like I do, I am often talking to myself. This place has done a world of wonder for me. I was reminded of just how much good this place does when I re-read the responses to your post. I actually cried a little just seeing how responsive all these great men were to your plea for help. You are worth it.
I wish you peace in your soul.
 
Despair
I look forward to the day when you want to change your nickname here, and that day will come if you want it bad enough - which I think you do because why else would you have landed here ?

I dont know where Im going with this. I guess I just want someone to hear me, even if it is a stranger. More importantly, I want someone to hear me that actually understands what Im talking about.

Ill shut up soon, and again, I apologize, but I just cant take it anymore.
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Or, reached out to find someone to hear you ?
But you have, and we'll listen, and we'll support and help where we can, so DON'T shut up, DON'T apologize and all the crap you can't take dump it here, alongside our crap.

You say you've had a negative experience of therapy, but many of us here have had very good results, so maybe another try, now that you have decided that you've had enough of feeling bad, might work this time ?
I'd always advise looking for a therapist that specialises in, or at least has good knowledge of, treating Survivors of abuse.
Sometimes a change of therapist can work wonders.

So welcome to MS, I hope you find as much support here as we do.

Dave
 
Despair...well you're now in the right place.

You say that you've read some of the postings here, well that's exactly how I started here on Dec 31st 2003. I think that I was feeling pretty much like you at that point - I've got a lot of strength from this place, I'm sure that you can too!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
brother, this site has helped me to trust,know that it was not my fault,know that i am not alone,know that there is hope with my wife,be the person i am,quit hiding,educate me,helped me feel compassion for others,and determined to survive and make the bad that happened to me enable me to help someone that needs it instead of pretending everything is fine.i dont post much cause i cant type,but when i log in ,i see myself on every page.dont give up,the men here are real,and the help is real. face
 
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