past experiences

past experiences
E

endlessjourney

Registrant
Do you ever find yourself in the middle of something and start to think about past incidences when you were disrespected, picked on, physically hurt. I'm talking about incidences that occured after the abuse. Maybe, a fight in high-school that you lost, or maybe how some punk got one over on ya because you didn't stand your ground. Sometimes you just wish you would have knocked that son of a bitch out. This feeling is hitting me right before the biggest college exam I'll ever take in my like. How convenient. Letting go of the regret is hard. I know in hindsight, I did the right thing by not fighting, but the leftovers from those experiences still linger in my mind and tend to come back to haunt me at the worst times. I wont have to here your replys because I'll be taking this test in an hour. I just thought maybe I could find some solice in writting this entry. My anger is boiling and my shame, well, shame is useless and deadly. There is no room for it in my life. The pain runs from my face all the way down to the bottom of my gut. I feel it run its course and then take a deep breathe and try to let it go. this is crunch time Jason, Get out there, Kick some ass! This is for everyone who thought I was week. We'll see who makes it in the long run!
 
I like your courage, Jason.

Ya, I've felt that way. Just this sickeening rush when it hits, almost as if it just happened, but not quite.

I hope you did well on your test, friend.

((((((((((Jason))))))))))

John
 
Thanks for the input. I think I aced the test I took.
 
Jason,

Glad you feel so positive about the test, way to go!

I know what you are talking about. I started this road to recovery in April of '89 at the age 36. My highschool gpa was about 1.2. But in August of '92, I started working on a degree in nursing. I got that feeling with every test, and there was alot of them. I would snap at my friends so they learned to stay away from me before tests, my palms would get wet, I wanted to hit somebody or something. It was weird. I remember failing one test that I thought I was ready for. I was really devastated. When I went to Sacramento to take my state boards, It was really bad. So yes I know what you are talking about.

Hang in there

Darrel
 
Jason,

This is crunch time Jason, Get out there, Kick some ass! This is for everyone who thought I was weak. We'll see who makes it in the long run!
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It would be so great if you ace that test. Whatever the case, can I make a suggestion? Cut out the above and keep it in a place where you can see it the next time you feel challenged. It will remind that you of the great inner strength you have.

One other point on shame: It's a killer, that's for sure. But what helps me to deal with it is to think of it as just another feeling, only this one is my judgment on myself as a result of all my other feelings. I still feel it as real hurt, but it does help me when I realize that it is really just a signal of work that remains to be done. Imagine the sense of victory, Jason, when you are no longer getting THAT signal from yourself!!!!

Much love,
Larry
 
Every exam was a challenge so was every shopping and later every argument, I had to win it, each time, for I just couldn't handle failure, it came down so heavily that I almost stopped trying to do something because the fear of failure was just too great. And then I realised that even if I get beaten down it doesn't change a thing about me. No matter what people say or thing about me they dont have any power over me unless give them that power over me.
 
Good point, Morning Star. I felt I was affraid to accept the fact that maybe I wasn't smart enough. Maybe I was just another dumbass. I still feel that way sometimes. My perp always called me a dumbass. By the way I did good on that test and thanks to everyone for you encouraging statements.
 
Jason,

That is something to watch out for. So many times we carry into adulthood false ideas about ourselves that have no basis in reality. They are just the impact of the lies and humiliation and terrible things our abusers did to us.

Any time you are feeling very negative about yourself, try to identify exactly what is that feeling, and does it match up with what is happening in your life. Dumbass, for example. Dumbass? One who aces or does well on all his exams? Doesn't sound right to me.

I bet you will find that a lot of bad feelings and ideas you have about yourself turn out exactly the same way.

Much love,
Larry
 
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