Parts of the boy I was re-learning him ** trigger warning**

[Trev]

I am in therapy and recounting past events to my therapist, we have covered the incidents between boys when I was 9 to 12 and now have moved on to me telling about him the adult. This is different because it felt like I stepped out of my body, shame washes over me and I think about the advice I tell my boys and what to say to shame and in my head I utter Fuck you Shame. My therapist ask me where I was and I tell him and he asks me where do I think the shame comes from?

I stammer and hem and haw and avoid it and when we circle back around I admit what I hate admitting the boy part of me that enjoyed my time with my friends dad.
I know I was not supposed to, and my therapist stops me and says that is where you are wrong, the adult knows what you will enjoy and did everything in his power to ensure you were enjoying it. Your friends dad took advantage of the boy you were including your body and made sure to manipulate not only the physical but in your case your emotions by his hugs, his touches.

My 13 year old self craved it all and went back to this guy, I knew going in what was going to happen the anticipation was always crazy on the way, how do I tell that boy hes ok?

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

I'm not sure there is an exact or easy answer, but the initial instant reaction I had to your question of how to tell him he's ok, is showing him through your daily current actions in each moment. I'm not sure if this is the entire answer, but is a part. It sounds simple, but also feels very difficult at times. I've been getting closer to that child part in me and being with his felt experience in those moments and trying not to have any thoughts about it. This is so intense and overwhelming that it can be difficult, but this part feels like it needs me. This seems like a part of the answer too.
The thoughts I'm referring to try to not have in what I wrote are when you said "I know I was not suppose to." These are a judgement of myself statement. We do these all of the time, its ok, no judgement from me in any way, just pointing it out. I do this constantly.
The shame stuff is very tough to deal with. Trying to connect with your younger self is tough too.
I hope what I wrote is understandable as I was trying to answer your question with my own experience. I wish you well. Thank you for sharing.

I wanted to add. My own experience had the wanting, not wanting, pleasure, pain, manipulation, etc. He was a father type figure that I got some of my attention and affection needs. He pleasured me. I looked up to him. But also was abused, manipulated, forced, raped, and physically hurt me badly. I still went back. I wanted and craved parts of it, while still enduring the terror parts. It adds a layer of complexity to all of it, especially the shame part. I guess I'm saying that I understand.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I stammer and hem and haw and avoid it and when we circle back around I admit what I hate admitting the boy part of me that enjoyed my time with my friends dad.
I know I was not supposed to, and my therapist stops me and says that is where you are wrong, the adult knows what you will enjoy and did everything in his power to ensure you were enjoying it. Your friends dad took advantage of the boy you were including your body and made sure to manipulate not only the physical but in your case your emotions by his hugs, his touches.

My 13 year old self craved it all and went back to this guy, I knew going in what was going to happen the anticipation was always crazy on the way, how do I tell that boy hes ok?

As you well know, this is almost exactly my story. I loved everything we did, and I went back to him for more and more and more for years. I wish I would've known at the time how this would mess with my mind later in life. My abuser absolutely did everything in his power to ensure I enjoyed it (with a LOT of success). Somehow he knew that I was starved for attention and affection and masterfully intertwined sex into it. I was getting off like there was no tomorrow, and I know he was, too. In retrospect, I sure wish he hadn't picked me; I would've been just fine remaining an innocent, naive 11 year old boy.

 

[Trev]

The boy who was is now the father of three boys, and I am trying to engage the boy I was but when I see my boys and there happiness and them enjoying each other andvthe innocence and as a father my heart sings, but inside me is a boy that is witnessing how things should have been for him and on the inside his heart hurts and what is absolutely crazy is the dad rejoicing and celebrating for his sons is right there with him as if they are together invisible on a park bench with a boy mourning inside weeping, wishing, wanting a safer experience, wanting a do over, and then the adult feels guilty for feeling bad.

 

[dcwofhs90]

The boy who was is now the father of three boys, and I am trying to engage the boy I was but when I see my boys and there happiness and them enjoying each other andvthe innocence and as a father my heart sings, but inside me is a boy that is witnessing how things should have been for him and on the inside his heart hurts and what is absolutely crazy is the dad rejoicing and celebrating for his sons is right there with him as if they are together invisible on a park bench with a boy mourning inside weeping, wishing, wanting a safer experience, wanting a do over, and then the adult feels guilty for feeling bad.

...And the boy who was, is now the grandpa to two grandsons the same age as when the abuse began in 1982. I especially worry about one of them specifically because he's almost exactly like I was back in 1982...naive, innocent, and willing to do just about anything he's told...just like 11 year old me. All I can do is protect them like hell and worry just as much.

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

The boy who was is now the father of three boys, and I am trying to engage the boy I was but when I see my boys and there happiness and them enjoying each other andvthe innocence and as a father my heart sings, but inside me is a boy that is witnessing how things should have been for him and on the inside his heart hurts and what is absolutely crazy is the dad rejoicing and celebrating for his sons is right there with him as if they are together invisible on a park bench with a boy mourning inside weeping, wishing, wanting a safer experience, wanting a do over, and then the adult feels guilty for feeling bad.

It's tough to sit with all of these things at the same time and all of them be true to you and parts of you. I tell my therapist this conflicting feeling all the time. You're a great person. Sending support to you.

 

[Gomers]

The boy who was is now the father of three boys, and I am trying to engage the boy I was but when I see my boys and there happiness and them enjoying each other andvthe innocence and as a father my heart sings, but inside me is a boy that is witnessing how things should have been for him and on the inside his heart hurts and what is absolutely crazy is the dad rejoicing and celebrating for his sons is right there with him as if they are together invisible on a park bench with a boy mourning inside weeping, wishing, wanting a safer experience, wanting a do over, and then the adult feels guilty for feeling bad.

Oh wow, this has hit me hard.

I enjoyed quite a bit of sex play with other boys and my cousin. I didn't feel any shame, though maybe that was my innocence. But my sex play with my best friend led to his father catching us, and he then raped me as a "punishment". Yes, I know that's bullshit, but I didn't realise that. He emptied a whole load of guilt and shame on me.

From then on, I felt disgusted every time I engaged in sex play with other boys or became aroused over thoughts. A year later, enter a man who didn't treat me as the disgusting boy I thought I was. He groomed me well and soon introduced sex, but this time with a man. He was gentle, caring and always ensured I "enjoyed" it. Afterwards, I would be utterly disgusted with myself as I walked home feeling sore and damp. I would immediately jump in the bath and scrub away my shame. But within a day or so, I would be excited and eager to return for those good feelings and what I thought was love. I carried those feelings of pleasure followed by guilt all the way into adulthood.

I am also a father. I adore my daughter and my son, and I have always got on well, and related to other boys and youths as well. I have a strong need to protect and care for them. I have helped several boys through disclosure of abuse to the police and safeguarding authorities. I tend to be hyper vigilant and seem to spot boys who are struggling.

But here's the thing I am realising. When I see boys and young adults having fun, innocent of the risks and just generally being young and carefree, I am jealous. They are doing what I could only hope I would have had if things had been different, enjoying games, enjoying friendships, learning their way through life without the trauma. I do not begrudge them their freedom and innocent lives. I just wish I could have had the same and would love to relive my life to enjoy my youth as it should have been.

 

[Kintsugi]

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[JC1]

My abuser absolutely did everything in his power to ensure I enjoyed it (with a LOT of success). Somehow he knew that I was starved for attention and affection and masterfully intertwined sex into it. I

I read this and wanted to cry. I think it speaks to what so many of us feel. I know the shame, too. I was starving for attention and affection. He used it and yes, connected it to sex. And what began with rape that was all pain became doing what he wanted and feeling pleasure…and wanting it.

 

[Bluedogone]

how do I tell that boy hes ok?

Shame is such a horrible part of the package of emotions we're saddled with as survivors. No matter how many times we may say "Fuck You" to shame, our shame really doesn't listen. Because it's coming from inside us.

Although I've forgotten the name of the movie, one of the scenes that made such an everlasting impression on me, even to this day, was when the protagonist answered the phone and as he hung up, said "The call is coming from inside the house." Somehow to me, that's the insidiousness of our shame -. It's coming from inside of us. Regardless of the number of times we tell ourselves, or how many times we may hear and actually acknowledge the fact that all the shame belongs to the abuser, none belongs to us. it Still creeps back in to our very being, and becomes a real, living part of us.

IMHO, Every time you share and celebrate with your sons some new experience or event you're also telling yourself, loud and clear that you're okay. Every time you assure one of your sons that you're here to listen, no matter the problem, you're also telling yourself you're okay. Every time you tell him there's no need to fear or tell him We. Can. Handle. This, you're reinforcing to yourself that you're okay. Every time you explain away some problem that one of your sons has encountered you're also explaining to that abused boy, now adult, that you're okay. Basically an understanding that your own sons have that answer for you. Enough of those pairings of simple daily interaction with your sons along with an understanding that when they are okay, you're okay will soon make a reality that you're pretty awesome - and OKAY.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

"The call is coming from inside the house." Somehow to me, that's the insidiousness of our shame -. It's coming from inside of us.

I really like how you put this. I have thought a lot about shame and how damaging it is and wondered why we do it to ourselves. It is something inside me that is constantly pressing me down, trying to evoke failure.
Even Adam and Eve shamed themselves. After they sinned they ran and hid. God had to come find them where they were; covering up and running from their relationships. If God wasn't wanting to throw it into their face, why are we doing it to ourselves?

I admit what I hate admitting the boy part of me that enjoyed my time with my friends dad.

What my friend's dad did to me awakened the part of my child that had yet grown up. It gave me an awareness that I hadn't yet been prepared for. So in a way I became two people. I was still a child in a child's body with all the curiosity and rambunctiousness I had before. But I also grew up in an instant. I now knew things. Its like I passed a test without doing the studying. The adult side of me had to go back and learn what I now knew. I had an insatiable need to find out what this was. Yet at the same time I was trapped in a boys body. Still needing to get up each day. Get dressed, go to school, play with friends. The boy part of me continued to find everything in life exciting and new, adventuresome, exploring. I think the adult part of me needs to give the child part of me a break. Child me was in a difficult place, yet stammered up all the strength I needed to get me to the place I am now. The adult part of me needs and should be celebrating all the good things my child did under the circumstances - not criticizing the part that God put into me in the beginning - the desire to be a part and belong in a world I yet understood.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I read this and wanted to cry. I think it speaks to what so many of us feel. I know the shame, too. I was starving for attention and affection. He used it and yes, connected it to sex. And what began with rape that was all pain became doing what he wanted and feeling pleasure…and wanting it.

I've been told that I excel at writing what many here are thinking. I've always enjoyed writing...I tend to express myself better through the written word rather than verbally. Too bad the subject matter is what it is...

 

[Youngtrumpet]

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