Partner with abuse history


New Registrant

Recently I started dating a wonderful guy. He told me rather soon that he had been sexually abused as a child by a teenage girl and that it will take him a while before he feels safe with me, both when it comes to feelings and actual intercourse.

I would like to be able to understand him better as to how he feels and learn whether there is anything I could do to help him/us find the way. Would anyone be able to recommend any resources?

Thank you very much.


We have both a family and friends forum and a gay forum, depending on what side of the fence that you are standing on. You might obtain a copy of Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, which is a good cursory reference to help you understand what issues that your new boyfriend may be dealing with. It is often difficult for an abuse survivor to drop his defenses enough to let someone in enough to achieve intimacy. It may take some time depending on where in his recovery he is. Most likely there is some history of shame and lower self esteem involved. He may not want to talk about it or reveal much in the way of details. He may have a tough time initiating sex or loving physical contact. A lot of survivors feel very alone, and many have lived alone for years.

It is commendable that you want to try to understand him and help him. That kind of support will be very helpful in his recovery and in your relationship with him. It might be better for you to obtain some level of understanding of his issues and not to press him for details or progress too quickly. There are a number of gals on the family forum that are going through the same kind of thing with their boyfriends and you might ask this question there too.

Hope that this helps,