Part V, raped in the Corps ***trigger warning***

When I became a Marine, I felt purpose, I had a great MOS, had a great duty station, I felt like I belonged, that I was safe. Everything in my life finally seemed good. I was happy. It wasn't long into my enlistment when the memories of the sexual torture and abuse as a boy started intruding and affecting me. When it got to be too much, I broke down crying and told a friend, another Marine. He was the first person I ever shared what happened to me. With his support things got better and I was doing okay even though memories continued to surface. At work my supervisor had noticed something was going on with me and confronted me about it a couple times where I gave vague replies. He eventually gave me a direct order to tell him what's going on with me. I finally told him I was dealing with some some things that happened to me as a kid and was working through it.

Instead of him being supportive and understanding, he made things harder and harder on me. He picked on me to do the shit jobs. Gave me extra duty for no reason. One day he showed up at my door. (I had a one-man room). I opened it and he pushed me back into the room and hit me. He knocked me down and ripped off my PT gear, held me down, pulled out his penis, and violently raped me. You guys know how men like to say they'd never "let" it happen to them. That they would yell, that they would fight. They have no idea. I froze, tried to yell and nothing came out. He was my supervisor, my senior NCO, he was an E-7, Gunnery Sergeant completely outranking me. I was an E-3 and about 145lbs while he was at least 30 or 40lbs heavier. He was bigger, stronger. I couldn't do anything but feel the pain. Same pain and fear I had as a boy. He hit me and said horrible things in my ear as he raped me. I cried through it all, having flashbacks of being a kid. And just like when I was a kid, I remained in my body, I felt everything. I could smell his sweat, smell and feel his breath, hear his grunting, his weight on me, etc. When he was done, he held me down and threatened me with things he could do and that he'd do it again if he felt like it. He spit on me and left. I spent a long time curled up on the floor. I could feel I was bleeding. After hours of laying there I finally crawled to the shower and passed out for a while under the water. I was on the bathroom floor the rest of the night.

I don't think it was the next day but whenever I had to go back to work I tried to act normal. I didn’t know what to do or say to anybody after. There was no way I was going to approach my command. I was embarrassed, scared. I lasted maybe a couple of days then I made my first suicide attempt. I ended up in a psych ward for about a week. He came as a representative of my command to visit a few times, each time threatening me to keep my mouth shut. After that week I returned back to full duty. First thing I did was make a request to transfer to a different command, denied. I tried to take leave, denied. Instead I was put on restriction and forced to go back and work under him. I had no one to talk or go to. I had no one I could tell or ask for help. I was incredibly alone. Best I could do was try to make sure I wasn't alone with him but he was my supervisor. For the next week or so he'd get me alone and say he was going to do it again, calling me names, describing what he was going to do, told me no one would believe me, that I’d get in trouble. He even mentioned DADT when I was and am a heterosexual man (not that it should matter). He got the whole shop to ostracize me and treat me like shit. I made my second suicide attempt and ended up in the psych ward. He visited again, threatened me every time he came. When I was discharged from the hospital he was the one who drove me back to base. Stuff happened in the car. I couldn't escape. The following day I was told that I was getting discharged and it was led by the gunny. I tried to fight to stay in. All I needed was to be transferred somewhere else. About 3 weeks later I was a civilian again. I couldn't hold a job for very long. I bounced around doing what I could a couple months at a time. I could barely handle being around people. I finally ended up homeless for 2 1/2 years, no local friends, no medication, no therapy until I was accepted into the VA system almost 4 years after discharge which goes into other stories.

I described it only as a “sexual assault” until the last couple years. I couldn’t say the word raped or openly admit what really happened as an adult until now. Parts I-IV was all about things that happened to me as a boy, I've mentioned those experiences elsewhere. Part V I was supposed to be a man (I know I am now, don't always feel like I am).

This was over 20 years ago and I miss the Corps every day. He stole it from me.
 
Last edited:

.aseity

Registrant
I am so sorry. My most violent sexual assault was a gang rape by 4 strangers who broke into my room about 10 minutes after I fell asleep. I remember too much about it. Not a day goes by where it doesn't haunt me.. I was 16 or so at the time now 25. I've had a lot of ups and downs. On and off the streets. Always tried to convince myself it never happened or that I have to make peace with it. There isn't much to say about it to make it better.. I feel for you.. that was the last time I was raped, but I don't know . It's hard to move passed. It is also difficult to share these stories when I am aware of how depressed it can make a listener.
 

J1989

Registrant
When I became a Marine, I felt purpose, I had a great MOS, had a great duty station, I felt like I belonged, that I was safe. Everything in my life finally seemed good. I was happy. It wasn't long into my enlistment when the memories of the sexual torture and abuse as a boy started intruding and affecting me. When it got to be too much, I broke down crying and told a friend, another Marine. He was the first person I ever shared what happened to me. With his support things got better and I was doing okay even though memories continued to surface. At work my supervisor had noticed something was going on with me and confronted me about it a couple times where I gave vague replies. He eventually gave me a direct order to tell him what's going on with me. I finally told him I was dealing with some some things that happened to me as a kid and was working through it.

Instead of him being supportive and understanding, he made things harder and harder on me. He picked on me to do the shit jobs. Gave me extra duty for no reason. One day he showed up at my door. (I had a one-man room). I opened it and he pushed me back into the room and hit me. He knocked me down and ripped off my PT gear, held me down, pulled out his penis, and violently raped me. You guys know how men like to say they'd never "let" it happen to them. That they would yell, that they would fight. They have no idea. I froze, tried to yell and nothing came out. He was my supervisor, my senior NCO, he was an E-7, Gunnery Sergeant completely outranking me. I was an E-3 and about 145lbs while he was at least 30 or 40lbs heavier. He was bigger, stronger. I couldn't do anything but feel the pain. Same pain and fear I had as a boy. He hit me and said horrible things in my ear as he raped me. I cried through it all, having flashbacks of being a kid. And just like when I was a kid, I remained in my body, I felt everything. I could smell his sweat, smell and feel his breath, hear his grunting, his weight on me, etc. When he was done, he held me down and threatened me with things he could do and that he'd do it again if he felt like it. He spit on me and left. I spent a long time curled up on the floor. I could feel I was bleeding. After hours of laying there I finally crawled to the shower and passed out for a while under the water. I was on the bathroom floor the rest of the night.

I don't think it was the next day but whenever I had to go back to work I tried to act normal. I didn’t know what to do or say to anybody after. There was no way I was going to approach my command. I was embarrassed, scared. I lasted maybe a couple of days then I made my first suicide attempt. I ended up in a psych ward for about a week. He came as a representative of my command to visit a few times, each time threatening me to keep my mouth shut. After that week I returned back to full duty. First thing I did was make a request to transfer to a different command, denied. I tried to take leave, denied. Instead I was put on restriction and forced to go back and work under him. I had no one to talk or go to. I had no one I could tell or ask for help. I was incredibly alone. Best I could do was try to make sure I wasn't alone with him but he was my supervisor. For the next week or so he'd get me alone and say he was going to do it again, calling me names, describing what he was going to do, told me no one would believe me, that I’d get in trouble. He even mentioned DADT when I was and am a heterosexual man (not that it should matter). He got the whole shop to ostracize me and treat me like shit. I made my second suicide attempt and ended up in the psych ward. He visited again, threatened me every time he came. When I was discharged from the hospital he was the one who drove me back to base. Stuff happened in the car. I couldn't escape. The following day I was told that I was getting discharged and it was led by the gunny. I tried to fight to stay in. All I needed was to be transferred somewhere else. About 3 weeks later I was a civilian again. I couldn't hold a job for very long. I bounced around doing what I could a couple months at a time. I could barely handle being around people. I finally ended up homeless for 2 1/2 years, no local friends, no medication, no therapy until I was accepted into the VA system almost 4 years after discharge which goes into other stories.

I described it only as a “sexual assault” until the last couple years. I couldn’t say the word raped or openly admit what really happened as an adult until now. Parts I-IV was all about things that happened to me as a boy, I've mentioned those experiences elsewhere. Part V I was supposed to be a man (I know I am now, don't always feel like I am).

This was over 20 years ago and I miss the Corps every day. He stole it from me.
Good morning, I read Part V of your story. I’m very sorry this happened to you. You seem like a very strong dude!
 
When I became a Marine, I felt purpose, I had a great MOS, had a great duty station, I felt like I belonged, that I was safe. Everything in my life finally seemed good. I was happy. It wasn't long into my enlistment when the memories of the sexual torture and abuse as a boy started intruding and affecting me. When it got to be too much, I broke down crying and told a friend, another Marine. He was the first person I ever shared what happened to me. With his support things got better and I was doing okay even though memories continued to surface. At work my supervisor had noticed something was going on with me and confronted me about it a couple times where I gave vague replies. He eventually gave me a direct order to tell him what's going on with me. I finally told him I was dealing with some some things that happened to me as a kid and was working through it.

Instead of him being supportive and understanding, he made things harder and harder on me. He picked on me to do the shit jobs. Gave me extra duty for no reason. One day he showed up at my door. (I had a one-man room). I opened it and he pushed me back into the room and hit me. He knocked me down and ripped off my PT gear, held me down, pulled out his penis, and violently raped me. You guys know how men like to say they'd never "let" it happen to them. That they would yell, that they would fight. They have no idea. I froze, tried to yell and nothing came out. He was my supervisor, my senior NCO, he was an E-7, Gunnery Sergeant completely outranking me. I was an E-3 and about 145lbs while he was at least 30 or 40lbs heavier. He was bigger, stronger. I couldn't do anything but feel the pain. Same pain and fear I had as a boy. He hit me and said horrible things in my ear as he raped me. I cried through it all, having flashbacks of being a kid. And just like when I was a kid, I remained in my body, I felt everything. I could smell his sweat, smell and feel his breath, hear his grunting, his weight on me, etc. When he was done, he held me down and threatened me with things he could do and that he'd do it again if he felt like it. He spit on me and left. I spent a long time curled up on the floor. I could feel I was bleeding. After hours of laying there I finally crawled to the shower and passed out for a while under the water. I was on the bathroom floor the rest of the night.

I don't think it was the next day but whenever I had to go back to work I tried to act normal. I didn’t know what to do or say to anybody after. There was no way I was going to approach my command. I was embarrassed, scared. I lasted maybe a couple of days then I made my first suicide attempt. I ended up in a psych ward for about a week. He came as a representative of my command to visit a few times, each time threatening me to keep my mouth shut. After that week I returned back to full duty. First thing I did was make a request to transfer to a different command, denied. I tried to take leave, denied. Instead I was put on restriction and forced to go back and work under him. I had no one to talk or go to. I had no one I could tell or ask for help. I was incredibly alone. Best I could do was try to make sure I wasn't alone with him but he was my supervisor. For the next week or so he'd get me alone and say he was going to do it again, calling me names, describing what he was going to do, told me no one would believe me, that I’d get in trouble. He even mentioned DADT when I was and am a heterosexual man (not that it should matter). He got the whole shop to ostracize me and treat me like shit. I made my second suicide attempt and ended up in the psych ward. He visited again, threatened me every time he came. When I was discharged from the hospital he was the one who drove me back to base. Stuff happened in the car. I couldn't escape. The following day I was told that I was getting discharged and it was led by the gunny. I tried to fight to stay in. All I needed was to be transferred somewhere else. About 3 weeks later I was a civilian again. I couldn't hold a job for very long. I bounced around doing what I could a couple months at a time. I could barely handle being around people. I finally ended up homeless for 2 1/2 years, no local friends, no medication, no therapy until I was accepted into the VA system almost 4 years after discharge which goes into other stories.

I described it only as a “sexual assault” until the last couple years. I couldn’t say the word raped or openly admit what really happened as an adult until now. Parts I-IV was all about things that happened to me as a boy, I've mentioned those experiences elsewhere. Part V I was supposed to be a man (I know I am now, don't always feel like I am).

This was over 20 years ago and I miss the Corps every day. He stole it from me.
Please get help if you have not already. There are counselors who will be able to help.
 
Please get help if you have not already. There are counselors who will be able to help.
I have been in therapy for over 20yrs trying to manage everything between all that happened as a boy and what I experienced in the Corps. I'm doing a lot better now. It don't make anything hurt less, but I'm doing ok. I plan to be in therapy for the rest of my life
 

Larry McDonald

New Registrant
Sorry all that happened to you, happened to me too in Marine Corp bootcamp back in 1968. The three drill instructors beat and tortured me with a broomhandle and a week later one exercised me toll i dropped...took me in the duty hut and told me what a good Marine i was then gave me three karate chops in the stomach and groin area...fell to the floor as he kicked the crap out of me...broke 4 ribs, broke my nose cuts on my face then stepped on my throat till I passed out. Woke up when he threw water on my face...pants down around my ankles...then threatened to kill me if I said anything! I wrote an autobiography last year called "DOWN on Cripple Creek...an Iowa Boy goes off to War! Can get it on Amazon...has 12-5* reviews...if interested..GB
 

.aseity

Registrant
A few months ago I felt the overwhelming urge to write out my experience (of the rape). It was one of the most difficult things to do at the time. It was obvious to me that something in my subconscious was not at rest. It took me 3 days to write 5 pages. The whole time, the stress on my surface was very obvious to others.

I wrote it down in a green notebook and gave it to my wife for her to see.
She had a look at the first page but she did not ever finish it.
It went missing in the bedroom for maybe a month, a lot of confusion underneath, a lot of commotion and fighting between us in the flesh.
(Over the years my partner has helped me to fight off my past, and focus on being better in the present)
When I was in a bout of c-ptsd, I found the notebook, took it outside and caught it afire.
My wife came out to find me burning it.

I tried to show myself and her that I was moving on.. but I'm not that far.. it was a good try though. Since that time when I wrote it all down for myself. I figured it was just running away, but recently I've had a lot of 'awakenings' .

I want to be free from my depression, anxiety, paranoia, flashbacks, fear, ect ect..

Every single day I notice how life places heavy triggers in front of me. Great personal challenges. This daily fight keeps me vigilant, when I slip away into comfortable bad habits. It also allows me to see how much my situation in life has improved, regardless of how challenging, I am not under a weapon today, nor yesterday. It helps me stay composed sometimes.

It is hard, when everyone just expects us to show no weakness. No vulnerability. And we act like there is not an invisible war going on inside us. Doing all of the normal things normal people get stressed about. Staying strong for the loved ones around us.

Starting to acknowledge myself in both my strengths and weaknesses. I admire you men for your persistence in this battle. You are so strong!
 

IGY6

Registrant
When I became a Marine, I felt purpose, I had a great MOS, had a great duty station, I felt like I belonged, that I was safe. Everything in my life finally seemed good. I was happy. It wasn't long into my enlistment when the memories of the sexual torture and abuse as a boy started intruding and affecting me. When it got to be too much, I broke down crying and told a friend, another Marine. He was the first person I ever shared what happened to me. With his support things got better and I was doing okay even though memories continued to surface. At work my supervisor had noticed something was going on with me and confronted me about it a couple times where I gave vague replies. He eventually gave me a direct order to tell him what's going on with me. I finally told him I was dealing with some some things that happened to me as a kid and was working through it.

Instead of him being supportive and understanding, he made things harder and harder on me. He picked on me to do the shit jobs. Gave me extra duty for no reason. One day he showed up at my door. (I had a one-man room). I opened it and he pushed me back into the room and hit me. He knocked me down and ripped off my PT gear, held me down, pulled out his penis, and violently raped me. You guys know how men like to say they'd never "let" it happen to them. That they would yell, that they would fight. They have no idea. I froze, tried to yell and nothing came out. He was my supervisor, my senior NCO, he was an E-7, Gunnery Sergeant completely outranking me. I was an E-3 and about 145lbs while he was at least 30 or 40lbs heavier. He was bigger, stronger. I couldn't do anything but feel the pain. Same pain and fear I had as a boy. He hit me and said horrible things in my ear as he raped me. I cried through it all, having flashbacks of being a kid. And just like when I was a kid, I remained in my body, I felt everything. I could smell his sweat, smell and feel his breath, hear his grunting, his weight on me, etc. When he was done, he held me down and threatened me with things he could do and that he'd do it again if he felt like it. He spit on me and left. I spent a long time curled up on the floor. I could feel I was bleeding. After hours of laying there I finally crawled to the shower and passed out for a while under the water. I was on the bathroom floor the rest of the night.

I don't think it was the next day but whenever I had to go back to work I tried to act normal. I didn’t know what to do or say to anybody after. There was no way I was going to approach my command. I was embarrassed, scared. I lasted maybe a couple of days then I made my first suicide attempt. I ended up in a psych ward for about a week. He came as a representative of my command to visit a few times, each time threatening me to keep my mouth shut. After that week I returned back to full duty. First thing I did was make a request to transfer to a different command, denied. I tried to take leave, denied. Instead I was put on restriction and forced to go back and work under him. I had no one to talk or go to. I had no one I could tell or ask for help. I was incredibly alone. Best I could do was try to make sure I wasn't alone with him but he was my supervisor. For the next week or so he'd get me alone and say he was going to do it again, calling me names, describing what he was going to do, told me no one would believe me, that I’d get in trouble. He even mentioned DADT when I was and am a heterosexual man (not that it should matter). He got the whole shop to ostracize me and treat me like shit. I made my second suicide attempt and ended up in the psych ward. He visited again, threatened me every time he came. When I was discharged from the hospital he was the one who drove me back to base. Stuff happened in the car. I couldn't escape. The following day I was told that I was getting discharged and it was led by the gunny. I tried to fight to stay in. All I needed was to be transferred somewhere else. About 3 weeks later I was a civilian again. I couldn't hold a job for very long. I bounced around doing what I could a couple months at a time. I could barely handle being around people. I finally ended up homeless for 2 1/2 years, no local friends, no medication, no therapy until I was accepted into the VA system almost 4 years after discharge which goes into other stories.

I described it only as a “sexual assault” until the last couple years. I couldn’t say the word raped or openly admit what really happened as an adult until now. Parts I-IV was all about things that happened to me as a boy, I've mentioned those experiences elsewhere. Part V I was supposed to be a man (I know I am now, don't always feel like I am).

This was over 20 years ago and I miss the Corps every day. He stole it from me.
 

IGY6

Registrant
This was over 20 years ago and I miss the Corps every day. He stole it from me.
I can relate so much to your story. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone
 

IGY6

Registrant
USMC97 My story is almost the same as yours. I believe if you and i chat some we could network and share some tips and or resources . When i read your story i had to make sure i wasn't reading my
 
My assigned barracks roommate decided to use ether next to my head and have his way with me. The barracks watch would not do anything, so i asked for the phone on the watch side of the desk and there refused to let me use the phone. I went to a pay phone to call the MP and they laughed and then refused to do anything. I left the base that night and came back in the morning for Sonar school and my trappist roommate was there in class. He made a kissing motion at me and i launched across the class room. The teacher and another guy in the class saw the kissing tease and my reaction and moved to stop me. It took for people to hold me down. A duty officer showed up and just listened to what i was screaming. I was given a new room in the barracks without any roommates, but nothing happened to the rapist. The ether was found. I still finished my submarine sonar training with my rapist in the class.
 
Usmc97: It was a boy scout master that isolated me and I froze. He was an adult and i was supposed to do as he said. I understand.

I have been in therapy for 9 years now. I told nobody for decades about either rape. I could not say the words out loud, nor could I even think it. I lived in denial and the hope that a super happy something would happen someday. I did have those super happy days, but the party eventually surfaced and into therapy i went
 
Last edited:
Top