Part of my story
Probably one of the most painful experiences of the journey to wholeness happened about a year and a half after I started counseling. A sister-in-law accused me of sexually abusing my own children as well as hers. There was that terrible aching in the pit of my stomach. I felt as though I had been raped all over again. She was very much in control of me at that point. I had cops coming to my house, the whole nine yards.
I have always loved kids and they have been a big part of my life. It was that love for kids and my own distrust of myself that drove me to seek help. I did not understand my feelings and emotions. I had been taught that love and sex were one and the same. I was scared spitless that I might hurt one of them and that fear drove me to total emotional collapse.
The very thought that someone could accuse me of molesting a child hurt like hell. I dont do that shit. There are probably a very long list of things that I could be accused of and rightfully so, but pedophile is not on that list. I know it may be hard to believe but that accusation caused more pain than what tom had done to me. To have this on top of the pain I was already dealing with was more than I could handle. It was only by a miracle that I ever made it through.
There are several things that helped me through:
My faith in God
My wifes unconditional love
The support of my children and their love
And the fact that when members of my church found out, they called me up and asked me to baby-sit their kids.
A couple years later, we moved away from that town to another, the same one where this sister-in-law lived. I decided that kids could not be part of my life. I knew that I would never heart a child but I couldnt trust the people in this new town and I knew that I couldnt trust her to do anything but cause me more pain. I crawled into my shell and pulled it in behind me.
It was a child that broke into my shell. And it took him about five years to do it.
Kenny (not his real name) was about 11 years old. His father had died earlier that year. Now it so happened that our church had a picnic out by a fast running mountain stream, and after the meal, their was to be a hike up stream to a waterfall. I had no plan to go on that hike because there was a lot of kids going but there was a man going on the hike who I didnt trust around my daughter or any of the other kids so I went along to keep my eye on him.
Not to far into the hike, I felt a hand slip into my right hand, and there was Kenny. Oh how I wanted to pull my hand away, but when I saw his eyes, I couldnt make myself do it. So the very first bug I saw, I pulled my hand away and pointed to it. We looked at it but his hand went back into mine. So I soon pointed at something else with the same results. I dont think I ever pointed out so many bugs, flowers, mushrooms and who knows what all else.
As the weeks passed, he was always there and I was always wishing he would go away. I began to have feelings for him and those feelings frightened me. I started to question my motives. Why did I want him to go away? Why did I look forward to seeing him? I was forced to pick apart my feelings and examine them very closely. Was it really love or was it something sick? I found that deep down inside, while I do have problems, I am truly not a pedophile.
Kenny was always there, in his innocence, calling me daddy and holding my hand. And now some eleven years later, every time he comes home from college, he gives me a call and we work on his car or just talk. And yes, I have told him this story and thanked him for all he taught me. And he just smiles and tells me thanks for being there for him.
I tell this story to let everyone know that there is hope, there is healing. Yes, I do still cry and feel the pain and emptiness and when that happens, I remember that it will soon pass and that the sun will shine again.
I have always loved kids and they have been a big part of my life. It was that love for kids and my own distrust of myself that drove me to seek help. I did not understand my feelings and emotions. I had been taught that love and sex were one and the same. I was scared spitless that I might hurt one of them and that fear drove me to total emotional collapse.
The very thought that someone could accuse me of molesting a child hurt like hell. I dont do that shit. There are probably a very long list of things that I could be accused of and rightfully so, but pedophile is not on that list. I know it may be hard to believe but that accusation caused more pain than what tom had done to me. To have this on top of the pain I was already dealing with was more than I could handle. It was only by a miracle that I ever made it through.
There are several things that helped me through:
My faith in God
My wifes unconditional love
The support of my children and their love
And the fact that when members of my church found out, they called me up and asked me to baby-sit their kids.
A couple years later, we moved away from that town to another, the same one where this sister-in-law lived. I decided that kids could not be part of my life. I knew that I would never heart a child but I couldnt trust the people in this new town and I knew that I couldnt trust her to do anything but cause me more pain. I crawled into my shell and pulled it in behind me.
It was a child that broke into my shell. And it took him about five years to do it.
Kenny (not his real name) was about 11 years old. His father had died earlier that year. Now it so happened that our church had a picnic out by a fast running mountain stream, and after the meal, their was to be a hike up stream to a waterfall. I had no plan to go on that hike because there was a lot of kids going but there was a man going on the hike who I didnt trust around my daughter or any of the other kids so I went along to keep my eye on him.
Not to far into the hike, I felt a hand slip into my right hand, and there was Kenny. Oh how I wanted to pull my hand away, but when I saw his eyes, I couldnt make myself do it. So the very first bug I saw, I pulled my hand away and pointed to it. We looked at it but his hand went back into mine. So I soon pointed at something else with the same results. I dont think I ever pointed out so many bugs, flowers, mushrooms and who knows what all else.
As the weeks passed, he was always there and I was always wishing he would go away. I began to have feelings for him and those feelings frightened me. I started to question my motives. Why did I want him to go away? Why did I look forward to seeing him? I was forced to pick apart my feelings and examine them very closely. Was it really love or was it something sick? I found that deep down inside, while I do have problems, I am truly not a pedophile.
Kenny was always there, in his innocence, calling me daddy and holding my hand. And now some eleven years later, every time he comes home from college, he gives me a call and we work on his car or just talk. And yes, I have told him this story and thanked him for all he taught me. And he just smiles and tells me thanks for being there for him.
I tell this story to let everyone know that there is hope, there is healing. Yes, I do still cry and feel the pain and emptiness and when that happens, I remember that it will soon pass and that the sun will shine again.
