Paranoia

[EGL]

I find that as I venture through this mess, I'm becoming more and more paranoid of those around me. Maybe it's just been repressed until I started dealing with all this crap, I don't know. I wonder about people, motives, more and more. I even wonder about people on here, the ones who have been here forever, with thousands of posts, (even Fred), were they really abused. I know it sounds insane, and I feel like I'm going insane wondering things like this. I'm tired of my eyes automatically snapping from left to right as I survey my surroundings in Wal-Mart, or walking from my truck to the front door. Tired of jumping out of my skin when the phone rings. Tired of doubting my T, wondering what he's really thinking. Tired of reading double meanings into everything anyone says or does.

 

[Mike Church]

EGL you are dealing with the abuse now and, as you say, delving more and more into it. No you are not being paranoid. For years you would not let any one in for fear of being taken advantage of. You built up walls like we all did. I know when I came here I was scared to death that it was all bullshit to and how could I trust anyone. Personally I dont think that anyone would come here for any length of time just to be with survivors. I know I had to learn to trust and boy it is not easy. But look at all the support we all get here and the strength we get from one another.
EGL pick some that you really trust and start to get into the deeper stuff with them. Remember that you are not alone and the secret is to build on what others have experienced and delt with. For years I tried to invent a wheel to help me and all the time, I now realize, it was already in use.

 

[reality2k4]

Eddie, listen to what Mike is saying.

If you are identifying with the things from so long ago, yes it will hurt, bringing it up, is not so easy, for you or anyone else.

I know the feelings of not trusting people, damn well pushes you away from so many good friendships, why? Because we never learned to trust.

Think about the battles you went through in the past, there were many, but you survived the lot, why? Because you used your own set of rules to get you here.

Mike said he invented the wheel, and found he was already using it. Think about that, I invented a whole different way of thinking about life, hit the crossroad many years ago, and decided to take the path of being good over bad.

Most of the battles are behind you, and discover the World, and all the people who really like you, I am sure there are so many, if you only let your real self out, bit by bit.

I saw myself going, sometime ago, but I dug myself out of it, because I had to for my own well being. I could not let this thing get to me after battling all my life.

I know how damn hard it is, but don't you owe it to yourself,

get to know You.

take care

ste

 

[Brayton_dup1]

Paranoid. It got to the point where I could barely stand to go into work and certainly didn't feel comfortable in any public place.

Its been treated with medication and therapy now but some of it remains, like not feeling comfortable in a restaurant unless I am seated against a wall.

Some of it, things like that, are okay. That is, they don't really make life difficult so I let them be. I understand why I act that way, the justification for it. It is among the coping strategies I developed long ago.

I know, its easy for me to write like this (I am tranquilized right now and have spent a lot of time talking with my T about this) but I want to say that for me, two things have helped a lot: 1) understanding where the feelings like paranoia come from for me, and, 2) knowing that those feelings were/are justified.

I try to listen to the kid that was abused. I try to acknowledge his pain.

(I sure am a wordy SOB.)

 

[Lloydy]

For a long time I used to get a feeling that someone I was talking to was suddenly going to hit. Just lash out and strike me hard in the face.
It was so real to me I would jump away or recoil, then I would fake a sneeze or cramp to cover up. I often wonder if people thought I was completely barking mad?
I would suffer thin when talking to people I knew and trusted even, which made it worse. Try having a serious conversation with your boss then suddenly jumping away and ducking an imaginary punch!

There's a school of thought that this 'reactive behaviour' and possibly the paranoia that seems so close to it, can be the result of hypervigilance.
We become so aware of our triggers that just one word spoken in a certain manner sparks off a reaction, or it could be the way someone raises an eyebrow or turns their head.
This is the only 'theory' that's made sense to me regarding my particular behaviour.

Recently however it's gone, I haven't suffered this for abour 18 months or more that I can remember. So that adds to my belief that it's some kind of trigger that the other person inadvertantly gives off. I feel better about myself, more self confident, and I no longer live with any sense of fear regarding my past abuse, so I don't react to these small triggers.

Dave

 

[Leosha]

Paranoid. That is me. Frequently. I have had a 'burst' of it in the last week or so. Afraid of 'them', whoever the hell 'them' are. I think it is natural reaction to things, sometime. That we will be more on edge, more easily startled, and sometime, paranoid. Just try to remind yourself that no one around you has changed, nothing around you has changed. It is you that is changing, and are changing for the better.

leosha